Care and Feeding

So, I have a wonderful friend who is generally known to be a lesbian. None of that switching back and forth stuff. She was all about girls, until recently. She emailed me a bit ago, letting me know she’s dating a man! And she’s thrilled, but a bit clueless as to what to do with him. Things are working out generally well, yet the rules seem to be different for men v. women. So, in the interests of education and congenial relations between opposite sex couples, I am compiling my personal observations on those wonderful Man creatures! So imagine my best Steve Irwin impression, yet in the genteel manner of the 18th century explorers, and we shall begin:

1. She writes, “He doesn’t call often, is he still interested?” Oh yes, my dear, you’ve run into the perennial issue women and men have in communication. Women generally like constant communication, telling every thought and word, and use the phone as if it prolonged life itself. We’d rather talk about it than let it slide and see how things go. However, on my safari through love land, I have noticed a general tendency to use a lot less verbal communication by men. They just tend not to. There are, of course, exceptions! I personally tend to be bad about the phone. If I say I’ll call, I will, but I’m just too busy to be chained to the phone on a constant basis. My advice? Relax, call a girlfriend. And pay attention. If he sounds like he’s sick of talking to you on the phone, you’re probably coming on a bit too strong. Let him call you for once. Plan an outing with friends. Have a cocktail and watch your favorite movie. Having a life is sexy, and one who is constantly on the phone, checking on their significant other, probably doesn’t have a rich social life. Comprenez vous?

2. She writes, “Are we dating? It seems rather casual at times.” Well, my dear, is he consistently scheduling time with you? Is he seeing anyone else romantically as much as you? Do his friends know he’s spending time with someone new? Does he flat out light up when he sees you? (more on body language in a bit) If you can answer yes to these, then chances are you’re at least “seeing each other”. And without getting into the difficulties of labels (ugh!), these are general signs that things are progressing nicely. Your female gut reaction is usually pretty accurate, so turn it on! Listen to what it says! If he just doesn’t seem to be into you, yet calls you in the late evenings because he wants to “hang out”, you might be a booty call. Up to you if you’re ok with that, but let’s not pretend he’s the love of your life if you’re never seen in public fully clothed together.

3. She writes, “He doesn’t react the same – I can’t read his body language.” Well, no dear, not if you’re used to women! Men are just as readable as women, it’s just a different form of subtle. There are different attraction rules for how men and women act. Women flip their hair, primp, cross their legs, etc when they’re feeling attractive. Men tend to lean in, touch your arm, do little things for you (get you a drink, check on you), and just simply plunk themselves next to you for the evening. Physical touch is the most defining one I’ve noticed – if he likes to be touching you, it’s an excellent sign. And some things are universal – standing with arms crossed, leaning back away from you, not meeting your eye – all signs of negativity towards you – something is wrong, even if it’s not about you! And eye contact, leaning in towards you, and attention on you means good things usually. Make mental notes on what he’s doing physically and how he says he feels. Over time, you’ll see patterns.

4. She writes, “I want to see him this weekend, but he’s not getting the hint.” Well, silly, where’s your baseball bat? If you like the guy, tell him! If you want to spend time with him, tell him! It’s not a game or a mystery – he doesn’t get what’s behind door number one if he guesses what your silly mind is thinking. Just tell him. In short sentences that are clear and concise. If he can see you and is interested in spending time with you, he will find time. If he doesn’t want to or doesn’t have time, he won’t. And it may not be about you – Aunt Tilly the Horrendous may be visiting, and he doesn’t want to inflict her upon you. But if you ask clearly, you have a better chance of finding out the details. Your Ouiji board is not a good substitute.

5. She writes, “He doesn’t cuddle…” Darling, do you want a teddy bear or a man? One is vastly cheaper, one is vastly more fun! Men are about different kinds of physical contact, and just like women, vary widely on how much is satisfying. Right after a fantastic moment in bed, he may need a few minutes to get his mission control back online. Houston, we have a power outage after that last liftoff! It’s just a mental restart he needs to take care of, and he may fall asleep. It happens. Wrap yourself around his arm and count Prada shoes until you drift off yourself. And be happy.

6. She writes, “He won’t tell me what he told his friends about me.” Oh princess, that’s usually a good sign. A. he’s talking about you. TO HIS FRIENDS. Rejoice quietly in your adoration. B. It usually means that he actually likes you and can’t keep the news in. But if you’ve been psycho and there have been collective Bad Moments lately, he may be looking for advice on how to extricate himself. Pay attention. If things are going well, it’s probably that he likes you. But don’t make him dish. They’re his feelings, and guy language may not sound flattering to you, yet is the height of fabulous to his friends. Let it go and let them discuss amongst themselves. Look at his actions, not the words involved. That’s his world, with its own secret language and such. Let him have it, as your universe and girl talk is just as baffling to him. Over time you’ll learn how to convey those sorts of things, but for now, let it go…

7. She writes, ”He’s wonderful, but how do I tell him?” Oh honey, this one applies across the board as to compliments and communication in general. Too much is too much. You know why emeralds are valuable? They’re rare. Not horribly so, but they’re not paving my street. A constant stream of everything fabulous makes it mundane. Pick your compliment, wait for when he’s paying attention, turn your face to his, look him in the eye and deliver it with all your heart. Done right, it’s just a better moment than a constant patter of everything fantastic about him. Besides, we all know someone who lays it on thick, yet, they’ve just got to be full of it sometimes, right? But don’t hold back entirely either. If you don’t seem to care about anything he does, he’ll stop doing nice things. You would too if you never felt appreciated, right? So choose things to be special and then make them special. Takes a bit more brain power, but then you can savor each one like Godiva melting in your mouth. Encourage the best, but make it clear.

And yes – Pay Attention! This goes for all of you. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has a proclivity for water, chances are you’re safe calling it a duck. If it’s confusing, feels wrong, isn’t satisfying, just isn’t smoothly running along, chances are it isn’t. There’s a disconnect. Either talk about it and figure things out or get out. There’s too much pain caused in the world by wishy washy. I hate wishy washy! Either I’m the best thing since sliced bread in your world and you’re my knight in shining armor who I can’t wait to see, or we’re friends or less. Period. There is no honor in jerking yourself or others around. And you could be missing out on someone really fantastic! What are you waiting for! Go get them, hug them, squeeze them and name them George!

And play nicely. Politeness is fading away these days, and you never know if that guy you just sneered at was an excellent match for you. Now he’ll probably never talk to you, awwww. And guys, whistling at a woman implies dog-ness to her. I’m just saying.

And ladies, remember that you may not date this man forever and ever. Do you want him to be known as the plastic spoon and K-Y guy? No? Then don’t divulge every little detail to the girls over cocktails. I like mystery and suspense in my world. My best friend is the only one who hears those deep dark things, and even she doesn’t need to hear most of the really personal stuff. And couples just don’t interact the same across the board. Something he does with one chick may not be the same way he reacts to you! And she could be lying. Let’s be serious. Regardless, you look like the less than lady-like type when you gossip, ok? Dish some, just not all. And definitely not to the gossip mongers of the world.

So, I’m hoping this makes the world a bit easier. I’m not perfect in the slightest, I just try to be smart about things, patient, and let everyone be their own person. Hooray! Now, go try it out. Let me know if I need to add any further explorations. So much to discuss, yet it can be overwhelming! Good luck, and may the force be with you!