Just a little advice..

I've got to get something off my chest, as it seems that some folks aren't tying these particular thoughts together effectively...

1. I have a long history of supporting myself (and sometimes others), with only one time in my life I can point to where others carried me, since I left my parent's home.
2. When the chips are down, I always have a job. Maybe two. Sometimes (dear god) three, if that's what's needed. I just do what I have to.
3. Except for that one time, which I am eternally grateful for those who helped me, I have always paid my bills, taken care of my own shit, and generally acted mostly like an adult.

Ergo, given the above, don't ever imply that you will need to support me. It's one thing to "be the man". It's another to imply that I need someone else to take care of me. That there is the road to goodbyeland, and I know you don't want to visit there. I have life insurance for a reason, I have multiple contingencies for any occasion.

An additional point is that I am capable. Very, terrifyingly capable at times. I know how to call coordinates for an airstrike, honey, I don't need you to tell me that I have to move to a certain neighborhood. I have my criteria, I can discuss options with the police department if needed.

And you'd better not be assuming that you're moving in with me. That requires a form of commitment, usually in the form of an engagement or some similar situation we've collectively negotiated for the common good, usually after successfully dated for more than a year, usually 2. I used to be an Internal Auditor, I'm big on due dilligence, and that takes time.

Yes, I'm bitchy. It's exam time. Kind of like 3 weeks of PMS, compounded by personal things scheduled all over my universe at the moment. I'm not angry, but I just feel like this is not a no brainer situation. I don't advertise my helplessness, as far as I can tell. I got over codependence, and I kinda like having boundaries. They're rather fun, and make achieving things rather less painful. But jeez Louise! Don't acknowledge my boundaries then pretend they're not there for your own personal convenience....

Grrr...

Brains just not there....

Well, exams start tonight. This one's not a huge deal, it's the other 3 that will probably kill me. I've started the review process, and I'm putting together my review flashcards. I'll have to recruit a few drill sargeants to help me out next week.

Just busy busy and not a lot of brains left over to write. I'll be thankful when I'm on a plane to China and can't do anything anymore...

Since I haven't posted yet today, have some good stuff..

Cathy Bonner’s 10 Commandments of Leadership. She is a businesswoman in Texas who founded The Women’s Museum, has written a book on leadership, and directed the Texas Dept of Commerce.

1. Thou Shalt Learn To Communicate in the 21st Century. If you cannot communicate in the 21st century, you can’t operate in business. Power is the control, access, and distribution of information.

2. Perception is Reality. Intelligence never speaks loudly enough, at least not in a crowded media market. The perception of you or what you do is as important as what you really do.

3. Thou Shalt Dream. This is the concept of creative visualization – what your goals are – and not just letting your future happen to you.

4. Be Sure Your Goal Is What You Really Want. Oscar Wilde said, “When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”

5. Thou Shalt Cover Responsibility. You can’t replace the “old guard” unless you take the responsibility for moving forward.

6. No Guts … No Glory. You can’t wait until you feel like you know a subject inside and out. You just have to adopt the Flying Wallenda factor – be on the high wire and show some guts.

7. Develop Three Kinds of Bones. A Funny Bone, a Wishbone, and a Backbone.

8. Nurture Thyself … Then Each Other. Everyone’s success is built on centuries of struggle. You have to protect that and nurture that to be part of something bigger than yourself.

9. Never Stop Learning. My favorite Japanese proverb is “I learn only to be contented.” Lifelong learning has to be a part of your business experience, not just your personal experience.

10. Conspire To Make A Better World. Try to change the system by working within the system without acting like the system. We have taught men to be brave and women to care. Now, we have to teach men to be brave enough to care about an equal and open society and teach women to care enough to be brave and not only to rock the cradle, but to rock the boat to make a better world.

Note to self...

Stop torturing yourself with Bar Exam prep research and study for exams!

You'll take Bar/Bri and PMBR. It will cost $4,000. Get over it. If you're nice, I'll let you buy an extra Oregon book or two to brush up.

Oy!

Go Sabres!

Oh, and the Sabres took round one of the playoffs against the Islanders!

Yay!

Zombie Dream #48

Yup, another one. This one is entertaining..

So I'm at a big West camping event, and I decide to go visit Gia down the road at her campsite. She's camped a bit away from folks, so I figure I'll go check on her. She's got a killer canvas tent with a bed and pretty big setup. It's got to be 20x30 in there! Nice, right?

Well, we're hanging out and talking and I warn her about the zombies. At this point no one has died from the zombies, they're just shuffling around the campsite. She's like, yeah, I know, they're annoying and scrabble on the sides of the tent, but I can pretty much ignore them as long as I stay inside. Now, the amusing point, is that at this point, the zombies are still fresh and just look like overly drunk people who can't talk. They don't attack anyone, they just shuffle around and moan. We're hanging out and having a good time, and just about when I'm thinking of heading back to Orkney camp, crap starts happening.

Some dude starts pulling the ties on the doors of her tent, and zombies start trying to enter. I confront the dude pulling on the ties, dark haired and somewhat resembles the first guy I ever dated in high school (!). I ask him where he's from, and he says Calontir and tries to leave. I try to grab him, but he moves back from the tent as zombies try to push in. I hold up a tiny throwing knife and tell him not to make me use this. His eyes get wide, as he knows that if the zombies smell blood, it's all over. He runs, but he gets away.

G and I get the damn zombies out of the tent by pushing them back out the doors and quick tying up the ties. We stop and look at each other, and I say You know we're screwed if anyone gets the slightest cut? Just the, we hear all hell break loose outside. D'oh is standing on the shower platform nearby and laughing as someone is taken down by the zombies. Yup, here we go. I was just going to suggest she get packed up and get her happy butt out of here, but now it's about just surviving. The zombies go nuts, attacking each other and the folks in that area. We dive back into the tent, and make a plan. I tell her to find Rorik and Jackie and get into one of their vehicles. I'm heading back to my camp to join the Orkneys in cleaning up this mess. We hug, she gives me a big stick she's got handy in the tent, and I wake up as I leave the tent...

Last thought for Friday

As a former campus safety, anti-terrorism type, don't don't dont spout off to me about gun control simply because some obviously mentally ill person chose a gun over your car, a long bow, or a cane to kill people with. Tools, people, they're just tools. Just because you're scared of them doesn't change the fact that a gun cannot jump up off the table and shoot you without some person pulling the trigger. Safety applies to anything that can hurt you, and I still see a lot of people on the road who need to go back to driving school. Sheesh...

I applaud the heroism of those who saved each other's lives by getting people out of harm's way as best they could.

I hate copycats.

I'm sad for unfinished lives, despite my Buddha nature trying to insist they will go on to have another shot or to a much higher place. It's still a terrible waste.

Not quite sure how I managed this, but...

I still have low blood pressure. Despite school and work and salty french fries and managing everything by my little self, I still managed a good amount lower than normal blood pressure at the doc's today. There's some folks that tend to think it has something to do with my allergic reactions - apparently anaphalytic shock lowers one's blood pressure. Hmm... Not sure that's a good trade off there.

Got a physical, they took my blood and gave me the tetanus shot I'd come to get. I'm still alive, go me! I shouldn't have any cholesterol or diabetes issues, but they like to panic over those. Doesn't run in the family, so I'm not terribly concerned.

Now to continue having my fries with a boatload of salt, yoga mornings, calestenics, and eating veggies.....

Zombie Dream #47

Ok, so woke up in a cold sweat yet again this morning, running from zombies. It was another chapter in the "What not to do when dealing with zombies" book. My cats and I were in this 2 story house with some other chick, checking rooms to see if the house was safe to hide out in. We had just gotten upstairs, and she went to check the master bedroom.

Apparantly she was just dream-bait, because she disturbed a pack of zombies in the other bedroom. If my cats coud roll their eyes at me, that was the look I got from them as we dove into the closet. No clue what happened to dream bait chick, but regardless, we were screwed. The other bedroom had mirrored closet sliding doors on it. Little known fact about me - I hate mirrored closet sliding doors. Despise them even. Not only are they a cheater way to make a room supposedly look bigger, but they never work right and creep me out at night when I see my reflection in them. Blah.

So here's me and my cats, huddled in the closet with zombies scrabbling at the cheap mirrored doors. The doors keep sliding a bit open and shut as I try to find a way to wedge them. And then it hits me. There's really not way out of this. It's a crappy safe house, and now the zombies are going to be all over us as soon as the doors give in. Blah. So I wake up...

Can you tell it's exam time? Always the zombie dreams near exam time....

Hmm, time to get to work...

Had a great 3 weeks of travel, but it's time to get down to business. M/C War was great, despite the rain. I was pretty happy with the Norman layers of warmness, and enjoyed wearing my spiffy, hot off the loom inkle belt. At one point, I was wearing 4 layers of tunics (silk, linen, linen, cotton) and still cold, so I ended up spending $$ on some warm socks and a cloak-like woobie at the merchant lady's shop. It pushed me over the edge to warmth, so despite spendign too much, I appreciated it. But I do need some more layers. Got some interesting ideas for rectangular construction layers and some embellishments. I NEED embellishments :-) In all my spare time, of course... At least my inkle loom is humming lately.

But in all that travel, I simply spent too much. I did an audit this morning, and reliazed that in my travels, I just spent a bit too much. I need to quick start up the money machine and get more stuff listed on eBay and Amazon. Its not like I don't have more stuff to sell than time to sell it all in. I have oodles of crap! The issue is to get it all online and listed and turned into green...

And I have a very nice lady who begs to pay me to come help her out, so I scheduled some time with her as well. We'll be spending some quality time over the next few weeks. The good news is that part of my over spending was accounting for the last few expenses for China - visa, medical insurance, weekend trips, etc. And covering a few things for B&D's wedding next week. But it does mean that my spending cash fund is rather low....I have credit card, but I'd rather not. And you can't rely on it for street vendors and small meals. better to have the cashola!

So yeah, while I will be working my butt off, but no more than I have been while travelling the last few weeks. Time to get the final exam goodies rolling too. I'm completely capable of doing really well this semester. Time to buckle down...

Happy Friday the 13th!

I'm useless today...

It's friday, I'm flying up to War tonight, my next deadline is next wednesday for the project at work, and I'm bored....

Yay Sabres - they won game 1 against the Islanders! Woohoo!

Finally, finally finished my Carolyn Myss DVD last night - good stuff. She goes along with the Vonnegut quote below wholeheartedly - you are what you say you are. And if you're literally stuck on someone or can't get past a past experience, all your energy is going to go into that mental block.

Flit flit - off to another topic... Garb! I'm slumming it this weekend. Early Norman layered tunics. Best remedy for a rainy event. Outer layers schuck off the rain while the inner ones keep you warm. I really hope I didn't forget anything important. And if I did, who cares!

Almost time for exams. Time to start my 1918 flu paper due next week - eek!

Ahh Mr. Vonnegut

“Be careful what you pretend to be, because you really are what you pretend to be.”
And that is about my favorite quote ever....

Thank you Kurt Vonnegut.

Rush and Independence Day...

Yup, got a free airline ticket, and bought myself a ticket to Rush yesterday. See, I do need to go home and visit the family clan this summer. I really only get to visit about once per year, and lately the visits have been getting shorter and shorter. Not fun, and everything seems rushed and hurried. I rarely got to see anyone beyond my immediate family besides Mel and her happy family. And I do like my relatives back in Buffalo...

Then I got bumped this past weekend, and collected a free round trip. And looked at the Rush concert dates, and Voila! Rush is in Buffalo at the theme park near my parents' house for the 4th of July. Kinda cool, eh? Granted, I'm not going to the concert with anyone, but I generally can have a wonderful time all by myself in a crowd of Rush fans without any issues. Besides, I really just want to go to the concert something terrible. I may see them again in SD or Portland if I can afford it. But even if I only go the once, it'll be a great time.

Yay! Rush! And I'm waiting on the pre-order of their new album. I should have it in a few weeks... Tasty. Always good to have more music from your favorite band. They almost take up a whole CD case in my collection, between 30 something albums, tribute albums, compilations, etc. Yay!

WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok, just heard the best news in forever...

I can pull my entire Stafford allowance for the year for the Fall semester. I have money to support my happy butt with while I intern in Portland this fall!

Yay! Triple Yay! It's not living in luxury, but it is vastly less painful than having to come up with a full time job and my BarBri tuition out of nowhere. I can work part time and not kill myself to just bring money in the door.

Oh bliss, huge weight off my chest.... And if I'm good with managing it, I may even be able to scrape up the cash to see my brother's family at Xmas.

Oh, my entire summer just got less painful. I was kinda freaking out (no kidding, eh?) about how the hell I was going to support myself. Now I know I'll be ok.

Whew.

And my passport arrived. This universe likes me!

Hmmm, not just about high school

Could easily apply to any self-centered society group:

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

This paragraph especially struck me:

"Because I didn't fit into this world, I thought that something must be wrong with me. I didn't realize that the reason we nerds didn't fit in was that in some ways we were a step ahead. We were already thinking about the kind of things that matter in the real world, instead of spending all our time playing an exacting but mostly pointless game like the others."

Oooo, and these two paragraphs as well:

"When there is some real external test of skill, it isn't painful to be at the bottom of the hierarchy. A rookie on a football team doesn't resent the skill of the veteran; he hopes to be like him one day and is happy to have the chance to learn from him. The veteran may in turn feel a sense of noblesse oblige. And most importantly, their status depends on how well they do against opponents, not on whether they can push the other down.

Court hierarchies are another thing entirely. This type of society debases anyone who enters it. There is neither admiration at the bottom, nor noblesse oblige at the top. It's kill or be killed."

Sound familiar to you? It did to me :-) It's a tasty bit of intellectual steak...

Ahh, yes. My mother...

Well, my mom sends me stuff like this and expects me to be happy to hear it:

"It is always good to see you, but you have to stop skipping around in life & realize your adults years are here right now. Keep a steady job & accumulate some capital for the future years.Pay down some of your college debt too. Plan on taking the Ca boards as that is where you went to law school."

Note that I'm 33, divorced, lived in 4 states or so, always have been employed except for right after 9/11, and never moved home ever again after college. Nor will I. And this is why. I'm perfectly capable of running my own damn life. Thanks for playing.

Mind you, my mother doesn't have a degree, has never been in a court as far as I can tell, and has no idea what a law degree entails. Or that the Bar exam is exclusive to each state. Sure, it's nice that my parents worry. But there's a point where I just want to scream, " I know what the fuck I'm doing - go away!" Sure, I'll take the California Bar. Great idea since I won't be living or working here. It'll do me a lot of good.

Funny part is that most parents would be thrilled to have an over-educated, reasonably stable daughter who's not taking drugs, didn't get pregnant in her teens, is relatively responsible, well respected by her peers and generally helps out when she can.

But I'm a bad person for flying home for the first time in over a year this summer because it's the last time for a while I think I'll be able to afford it. Yup. That's me.

Screw that - I'm coming home, I'm going to the Rush concert on July 4th, and I'm going to have a lovely time. With or without my stupid mom's comments.

And I will be selling some of my costumes soon

Yes, I'm even selling one or two of my embroidered skirts. Yes, the ones you all drool all over ( or at least my fellow dancers do).

I have too much garb that's just not period enough for my taste, and too light to wear in An Tir...

Stay posted - I'll put up the eBay link once they're on sale...

Sometimes things are just good...

So, Portland. I was in Portland all weekend. It was lovely! First, I simply got to relax a bit. Not something I make a lot of time to do, and being able to not rush around and get things done was great! Even took a nap Friday afternoon - just posh!

Basically I went to get one last check of the area and see if I could handle living there. It was a classic Portland weather weekend - some sun, some drizzle, some clouds. But it was warmer than I expected, and I expect to need to wear a lot of layers for the first few years. My skin adored having actual humidity again. We tourned the town a bunch, and thanksfully A didn't kill me after the 47 gazillionth time he asked what I wanted to do, and I didn't have an answer. But I saw different neighborhoods, spent way too much money on fun things, and just came to the opinion that I would really like Portland.

We went to Lewis & Clark on Friday so I could check in with the Career Services office up there, called the sports agent guy, then to Oregon City (pub #1) and seeing the area. Stopped off for a tool about downtown, Irish lunch (pub #2) and Powell's books, where I did vast amounts of damage to their stock of medieval law books. Then back towards the airport for a nap. Saw B that night and went to Kennedy school(pub #3). Saturday we started with pub breakfast(pub #4) in Oregon City with J and G (nice folks, yay!), a browse around and area whose name I can't seem to pull out of my head at the moment but had a great music store and other cool shops, then off to Saturday market and met up with a bunch of folks. Much browsing (more damage, but new cotton bedsheet - yay!) and off to Crush (pub #5), which was closed, so off to Squeeze (pub #6) where we enjoyed a range of cocktails that were extra yum. Impromptu party at L's house was hatched, and I got to enjoy an evening with a bunch of folks and some fantabulous nachos! Sunday, we went back to pub #4 for breakfast, then over to pub #1 for an afternoon Guiness. Eventually though I had to bit ethe bullet and head to the airport.

I hated leaving. I like Portland a lot. It so did not harsh my groove. Good beer, less crowding, fewer overdressed/made up people. I have my ambition and all, but I don't need to wear it, thanks. And maybe I was just vastly more relaxed than usual, but everyone seemed so damn friendly! Then again, it also could have been that I spent the weekend with a happy gentle buzz and plenty of sleep for the first time in weeks.

Yeah, I'll be just fine up there...

Tired, but here starts the weekend...

Still at work, barely. The coffee's not even working anymore. Just tired, dealing with personalities and wrapping up things for the weekend. My new position folks just found out that I don't have enough to do. In fact, I begged them for more work. My brains need inspiration all day! So they piled a bit more on...

Called L&C, found out that my Career Services people are really just not good. Called and bugged them again to get their collective crap together. Hopefully he actually did send the damn email like he's supposed to this time. Ugh, he really doesn't want to mess with me. I will make his universe complex... I'll call in a bit and find out if hellfire needs to rain down.

And thankfully it's off to the airport soon. For once I'm happy to have a layover. Means I can get more homework done and relax with some more magazines...

Have a lovely weekend! If you're Christian, Happy Easter! Personally I'll just eat good chocolate and call family on Sunday. Yay!

Beer Camp!

Ha! I was sent to beer camp this past weekend - it was fabulous!

While I missed seeing my friends at Coronet, I was visiting a non-SCA person. So we went to beer camp instead! It was fabulous! The Original Beer Camp to me will always be Zeitgeist in San Fran - it's a cool ass bar, with really good beer. Inside is kinda small, but outside they have rows and rows of picnic tables. Everyone gets cozy, socializes like mad, admires the walking talking eye candy, and keeps a nice happy beer buzz. The bartenders rock - I'd only wait in line for a few minutes tops, and the people were cool to the point that I always ended up talking to people while waiting in line.

So, I've decided that beer camp can be a travelling idea. What does it require, you ask? First off, good beer. Can't be beer camp without excellent beer, right? And by the pitcher has to be possible. Good beer should be shared around like you're at Thanksgiving dinner and Aunt Hattie wants more potatos. Pouring a glass of good beer for a friend is a warm fuzzy. And excellent part of beer camp.

Second, beer camp needs a social area. Preferably tables, as it's a better place to put a pitcher that has not yet been blessed by emptiness. Preferably tables that fit lots of folks to share said beer and talk up a storm. There should be multiple such tables, as half of the fun of beer camp is the other campers. Sunshine and outdoors is also preferable, but adaptable based on your part of the country. Why would you be sent to beer camp but to get some sunshine and exercise, eh?

Third, beer camp needs pub food. Simple, unadorned, yet good sustanance. Campers work up a sweat lifting pitchers and debating with their neighbors. Cheeseburgers, fries, bangers and mash - pub food. Pub food goes well with beer, is non-fussy, and provides good nosh for energetic exchanges about Othello and Guiness v. Fat Tire discussions.

Fourth, beer camp needs efficient bathrooms. 'Nuff said, I think.

Fifth, beer camp needs YOU! You socially delicious, beer sipping, diety of friendship! Your observation skills + witty banter + sexy demeanor all add to the benefits of going to beer camp. Ask any kid sent to summer camp - if your camp mates stunk and were annoying, it was hell. But I know you, and you are the pinnacle of fun! The utmost in entertaining! The sultan of social! And your individual talents will add to the overall welcoming ambiance of the joint...

So there it is. Coming to a suitable establishment near you....

Full disclosure announcement

Just for the sake of amusement, I should let y'all know that I do have tracking software on my blog.

Nothing too CIA - just IP tracking. It amuses me to see how many folks from China and Brazil read my meanderings and wonder what the heck it means. Apparantly a lot do.

But I thought you should know :-)

Contemplation

I have a lot in my head, but I'm not sure how much will come out here. My universe is just moving fast lately, and I feel like I'm going to need a day or two to process in quiet a few times over the next 6 months. Nothing I'm doing is bad. All feels well, and happy and not too terrifying. Big changes, lots of adventures planned, yet somehow it all feels like where I need to go.

Every once in a while I hermit up, wear my pajamas for an entire day, and just wake up with nothing to do planned. Granted, I usually end up tackling a huge project of some sort, but I don't plan to. Putter around the house, and just let myself flit from whatever needs to happen to whatever comes up next. I usually end up doing some of the relaxing things I crave, like naps or good, scratch home cooking. And sometimes I really get nothing more accomplished other than my brain getting a break. It's really theraputic, and I have found that I'll get physically sick if I haven't done this in a while. My body's way of keeping me honest.

Granted, I'm sure some people so this all the time, but with all the crap I have to finish on any given day, I just can't. I look forward to not having quite so much on my plate after graduation and the bar, although it's still a bit off. And for once I'm not terrified about moving to yet another new area. I have friends there, I've been to visit a few times. I know some of the SCA folks, and I dunno, it just feels good. We'll see how long that lasts when the truck is gone, my crap is all over my new place and I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing. Yay for panic after the fact, eh?

I'm sure I'll be fine, but it's strange to be more relaxed than usual. Or maybe the school stress is drowning the move and China stress...

Someone please tell the Passport office that they need to ship mine out ASAP, please. This is rapidly becoming not funny.

And how are you being today?

http://blog.fastcompany.com/experts/gandrews/2007/03/how_are_you_being_as_a_leader.html?partner=rss

Interesting... Kinda like a beginning Buddhist application to leadership.

Hooray for chiropractors!

Just had the most blissful chiro appointment. I hadn't realized how all the damage to my arm had stacked onto my back. The vicoden messed it up a bit, then all the travel and stress finished it off. I'm out of pain for the first time in months, and it has me jumping all over the place. I feel soooo good! I hadn't realized how much it had affected my universe. But the perk factor is prettyhigh right now, so I must have been a right bear for the past few weeks, growling at just about everything!

He slapped warm and cold packs on it, stuck me on the rolly thingie, rubbed this linament stuff that heated and cooled at the same time (very cool, must buy some to have in kit), cracked me all over the place, and left me for a while to breathe. I'm about 2" taller and have my grin back!

Amazing, just wonderful and amazing. I feel like I can face the universe again..