One more bit about closure...

Huh, funny part I realized last night, as we yet again discussed the closure thing. I was making suggestions on things I do for closure when the other person just can't communicate, and I realized that I learned how to do that for myself lately. Sure there are things that I still wonder "and what the hell was that all about?", but for the most part I just accept that things just aren't going to work, and I'm much happier moving onto something new than attempting to beat a dead horse into resusitation when a relationship peters out before it even began. Maybe try a smidge of forgiveness, be civil when out in social situations. But for the most part, once I don't care anymore, I just don't care anymore. Saves a huge amount of emotional pain and suffering, and I can sleep nicely at night again.

Now that's not to say I don't care about folks. I've been blessed with a ton of wonderful men in my life, and I wish them well in their individual endeavors. Some of them kept in touch, some didn't, some are very sweet and kind, some I'd prefer jumped off a bridge for their own good and the sake of others. But generally there's just not any attachment left there either, beyond a platonic friendship at most. Kinda cool, actually, and allows me to enjoy talking to them when I do run into them.

But all this is rather handy in my universe. I get to sail along, do my work and studying, enjoy the company of my friends, all without obsessing over some guy or waiting by the phone or being the lonely cat law student at home. I'm just too busy with things to do to want to tie up my emotions in what could have been, should have been, etc. If things will happen, they just will. My universe is turning slowly to one in which things just drop into my life for a reason, and all is good as long as I don't force things. No ulcers, no pain, no wondering what's wrong with me. I'm just fine thanks, at least in my world. Not perfect, just fine.

Exit, stage left.

And still counting

79 days until China (I can learn Chinese in 3 months, right?)

295 until I graduate...

Closure

Funny thing about closure with people. It usually has the most to do with what we'll never get from them. Had a looooong conversation with a friend going through a messy quasi-breakup last night, and I so feel for her. While it's the healthy thing to do to walk away from a relationship that's brought her nothing but heartache and abuse, at the same time her heart wants to know that she's ok and did the right thing to give love. Oh the giving, it's all our little hearts want to do, eh? A bit of validation that it's ok to be vulnerable and try again.

Problem is that to go ask for what she needs to get closure, and she'll likely just get more of the same pain. Rarely are people adult enough to just say, "ok, it didn't work. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said, and I value what you were willing to give to me. But it just isn't working and we should both move on to search for someone who can give the way you and I both need in our own ways." Yeah, that'll happen in the real world. And even if it does, no one ever believes us. Hurt has a funny way of coloring the world in a less agreeable light..

So here we are, discussing her hurt and trying to find a way to bring peace to her heart. If I could grant it with a few words, I would. But it's really more about time, acceptance, and having the courage to try again. And that's really all it is....

Oh yeah, I forgot that...

The Oscars were last night. I used to watch those. Instead, I went to bed by 9.

I think I made the better choice.

And I'm spent...

Had a good, packed weekend. Now I'm just plain tired.

Went to the FDCPA workshop - it was fabulous. And there was barely anyone there, which was sad. Oh well, I guess they don't need training in a practice area that actually helps consumers deal with nasty collection agencies. Not sure I'd want to make it my whole practice, but it's a nice addition to any skill set.
I was also able to go pick up a recording of the MPRE class that I missed due to the FDCPA workshop - audio in the car is just fine for me. And I even interviewed with the two agencies I wanted to that were at the job fair at the same time as the workshop. Go me, multitasking like a fiend on Saturday!

Went to the Burner fairy party thing with A on Saturday night. It was fun, and rather girly to dress up, stick flowers in our hair and go dance. I didn't get nearly enough party on at Estrella, so this fit the bill nicely. I laughed at the number of oflks wanting to talk to A in her belly dacne outfit. She looked fabulous, and I was considering investing in baseball bats so we could just dance already. But we had fun. I got a drive by shimmy by the cutest little angel boy gay man in the place, and we have a nice little dance circle going on with the El wire cowboy, timid transvestite, two angel boys wearing almost nothing, and me and A. And I found a bartender who knew what I meant about a good Cosmo. Then had a long drunken conversation with a guy outside about dealing with women in general. Nothing like alcoholic philosophy. All in all a very fun night, even if I didn't last until breakfast at dawn. 2am was enough for me, and we staggered home.

Although I was amused to note the disdain for drinking among the crowd. It was subtle, but I can't see this crowd being kind to an over sauced imbiber. Funny how the legal drug gets shit when overdone, eh?

Wheee! Now I'm excited!

Wow, so much going on. I feel kind of like a hanglider perched on the edge of the cliff, all ready to go. Just need to jump off!

Slowly the various pieces are clicking into place and I just need to keep things moving. Rather than feeling exhausted at the end of a work week, I'm rather looking forward to getting up early tomorrow and heading to the workshop. I also found out that one of the employers I applied for an internship with will be at the job fair tomorrow. I need to go talk to them - I want that one! It would be fabulous!

Folks are starting to dig up their legal contacts in various areas for me to talk to. Time to print up resumes and writing samples. Pull out something dressy for tomorrow to schmooze in. I even ran out on lunch and got better shoes. Yay for shoes!

I finally feel like things are beginning to work out. Not sure how, and it just may be a side effect of not eating and taking lots of pain killers :-) But, I'm pretty happy with stuff in general. Kind of excited, even. It's pretty cool!

Let's just start with Owie....

Ok, I've been back to work now for 3 days, working on 4. I have to say I hate computers, mice, keyboards, and anything that requires two hands to manuver. Doc said to use the crap out of my hand so I'd get feeling back in my fingers, and dammit I am. I've made up a few new swear words on the way too...

So since I can't concentrate on my accounting to finish at the moment, let's describe what's going on in my hand:

Imagine itsy bitsy hot pokers along each finger bone, that join together along the underside of your arm. Add in the creepy crawly nerves, and the perpetual feeling that something is in the palm of your hand. Toss in some rotator cuff soreness, an inability to rest your elbow on anything for longer than a few seconds and random cramping among the muscles in your hands.. Hoo-fucking-ray... I'm not bitchy, just grumpy when the painkiller wears off. Sneaks up on me as the dose drops.

Yeah, and I feel like sewing now. A lot. And Inkle weaving. I saw a lot of cool stuff at war and I want to create cool stuff out of the new materials I got. But DENIED... I can't work a pair of scissors at the moment, so it looks like I'll be a law student all weekend. I can manuver a book, and my writing is geting more readable every day.

grr...

*le sigh* plus ca chose, plus ca meme chose..

I can have it all....

So, I have a busy weekend ahead of me, not to mention a few weeks of busy coming up. My MPRE review was scheduled for Saturday 9-1, along with a public agency job fair (same time) and a Fair Collections Act workshop both Saturday and Sunday. Just in case I needed more interesting crap to try to go to.... Argh, why is it that they schedule everything interesting for the same day and time?

But I found out that I can get a video of the MPRE course, attend the collections seminar, and go bug employers on my break from the seminar as they're in the same building. Go Me! So I basically will be working all day both days, soaking up lots of info, then going home to the scintellating MPRE review course at night. Luckily, none of this seems to require the use of my right arm, other than shaking hands. Thank goodness I don't have a cast to worry about!

I think I'm in love....

And it's a toss up for my affections:

Large Vicoden or www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com

Went to Doctor. Thinks I'm nuts for SCA fighting. But no broken bones, just a pile of soft tissue damage and nerve damage. And dammit, he wants me to use it as much as possible. Owie... But I have some very nice painkillers that finally allow me to get some sleep, and some exercises to encourage the little nerves to come back out of hiding. By the way, it sucks using a mouse. I can only move the bugger around for a little while, then I have to go roam around and swear for a while.

So I feel rather happy and spacy today, on my happy horse pills. Can't drink unless I forgo the painkillers, but that's just fine. No plans for partying for a while anyways. Might cut into my plan to join the local hash runners soon, but I can put that off a smidge longer. And soon I'll be able to just take the vicoden at night only.

And hey, I'm not stressing about jobs, school, the Bar, or anything. Pretty nifty, even though my arm feels like it's being gnawed by a pack of beavers. I think I'll just pay attention to the beavers for a bit...

Gee, think this might explain a few things?

And not just in the SCA. Herein lies my frustration with our currently developing culture, from someone who hates seeing real achievement cheapened:

Fame Junkies

Weekend was great - except....

War was fun. Until Saturday. Hurt arm in battle, still hurts.

Would have gone to Urgent Care last night, but got home to flooded apartment. Yay.

Lost car keys. Thank goodness I'm redundant.

APartment almost dried out, going to doctor today.

Pressure.

Well, I got most of what I wanted to get done this weekend done. I even got started on packing. But I've still got finish work on the Greek tunic from Hell. It's starting to look really fantastic. But dear god, the amount of hand work on this thing is killing me. I spent about 20 hours on it this weekend, taking breaks to get the last two tunics done while the paint detail dried. Spent another 1/2 hour on it this morning before my shower so the border could dry while I was at work. One more lion, 4 more little men, and the applique part is done. Then I just need to sew the tunic together (by hand, of course), and finish the edging and paint detail on the applique people, and voila! Oh, and finish packing. That would be nice, eh?

Oh, and I got my reading done for today. It's bad when homework is a relaxing relief from sewing...

One last weekend push and I'll be done...

Almost done with the sewing extravaganza from hell. Three more garments, and I'll be happy with what I've got. I started laughing at people this week when they ask if I have time for one more whatever. I'm sorry, but I just don't. After Estrella. I'm determined not to arrive exhausted with bleeding fingers for once. Cranky might be a harder attempt, but then again we're driving all night.

Then I can finally concentrate on homework. I've got plenty, anthough taking the Advanced research course was sheer brilliance. No exam, it's pass fail. So it's two credits of mostly in-class exercises and a modicum of reading (I'm the only one that does it) for homework. Then a midterm, oral presentation, paper, and two final exams. Hmm, time to start the midterm flashcards.

Oooo, email goodies

From my SD Burning Man list: Chocolate.

Chocolate is very interesting. And also very powerful. It's chemistry is very complex and it addresses itself to the same neuroreceivers that cannabanoids bond to. It would take probably 25 lbs. to produce effects similiar to smoking cannabis, but it does release anandamide, the so-called "Bliss Molecule," (from Sanskrit "ananda" for "bliss") which has the effect of making the other effects more intense and long-lasting. Chocolate is also a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI), meaning it blocks the activity of the MAO enzymes in your gut. Those are the enzymes that break down natural DMT from the environment and keep it from being orally active. At the same time, the gatekeeping functions of the blood-brain barrier, which keep most everything from passing out of the bloodstream into the brain, are constantly monitoring your blood stream for DMT to bring into the brain. Chocolate is not as powerful of an MAOI as caapi, the vine used to make DMT orally active in ayahuasca, but it does help catalyze orally swallowed tryptamines like mushrooms. And, from another branch of the chocolate conversation, cocoa is a spirit all its own and revered by traditions conversant with plants. In this case, I mean "converse" literally. Approaching any of these traditional medicines "as if" they were giving spirits changes the experience of them and makes you wonder if you need to take the quotation marks away.

http://www.erowid.org/plants/cacao/cacao_article1.shtml
http://www.kakawachocolates.com/index.php


And from my Shambala Buddha list:

Love.
What is love?
What is love.
Love is a fading memory.
Love is piercingly present.
Love is full of charm.
Love is hideously in the way.
Explosion of love makes you feel ecstatic.
Explosion of love makes you feel suicidal.
Love brings goodliness and godliness.
Love brings celestial vision.
Love creates the unity of heaven and earth.
Love tears apart heaven and earth.
Is love sympathy.
Is love gentleness.
Is love possessiveness.
Is love sexuality.
Is love friendship.
Who knows?
Maybe the rock knows,
Sitting diligently on earth,
Not flinching from cold snowstorms or baking heat.
O rock,
How much I love you:
You are the only loveable one.
Would you let me grow a little flower of love on you?
If you don't mind,
Maybe I could grow a pine tree on you.
If you are so generous,
Maybe I could build a house on you.
If you are fantastically generous,
Maybe I could eat you up,
Or move you to my landscape garden.
It is nice to be friends with a rock!

From Timely Rain: Selected Poetry of Chögyam Trungpa. Written July 1975. First published in FIRST THOUGHT BEST THOUGHT.

The simple reason why I learned some form of control over my emotions...

It's just not possible to function otherwise. I've found that I can't achieve anything while bound up in worry, fear, anxiety, and even good emotions like being goofy and silly can eat my resolve and ability to complete things. Not that every moment has to be filled with achievement, but at the moment my schedule is so packed that I can't see any other way than effectively managing myself to greater ends.

Now this doesn't mean I don't have time to feel. Au contraire, mes amis! I find that clarity makes the good parts sweeter and more appreciated. But it also allows me to figure out what's going on, do something to soothe that raging emotion, and find a way to keep going. Letting anxiety and fear run away with my heart results in situations like the last few days - I worry myself to death, don't get any sleep, stop being productive at work and school and generally just don't care about anything else. Talk about a fast way to derail one's universe, eh?

And we all know those people. The ones who can't keep their shit together. Who create havoc in their interactions with other people and make no attempt to understand why their actions don't have the effect they're looking for. Then they get frustrated, mope around, take it out some more on others, and yet again wonder why nobody loves them the way they feel they need. And it spreads to many aspects of their lives. And the more they try to control it their way, not asking for help, not taking the time to really own what they did and what it means to someone other than themselves, the more it turns into a huge mess.

My advice? Let it go, grasshopper. Give up the pride, the sense of entitlement, the desire to protect oneself to an extreme, to try to claim what's rightfully yours. Nothing comes to the grasping hand. No one likes to be forced into anything, including you. Forcing emotions just makes them fight back harder. Emotions ebb and flow, and without knowing the surf, you can't ride the waves. You'll end up drenched, waterlogged, frustrated and cold. When you've hit the bottom again and again, give the things up that don't serve you. Find someone you trust and very gently reach out from that place and ask for help. You may get rejected - that's a part of owning your past actions. But rejection just means you need to reach out more gently. Sincerity is a place of humbleness. Be humble, accept, and ask to learn.

This post sponsored by 3 years of therapy, 2 years of learning to meditate, and 14 years of just not getting it. Be humble, accept and ask to learn :-)

Oy - freaky nightmare!

Woke up this morning to a freaky nightmare about a guy who kidnapped me and was in the process of forcing me to clean his bathroom when I escaped. The main comforting part was that I flat out wasn't giving in in the slightest in the dream. At one point, he was whipping me with a yard stick, and I took it away from him and broke it. Then threw it at him. Amusing, especially when I ran out of there with no shoes and I was wondering how the hell I was going to call anyone when I didn't have anyone's phone number. Thank you cell phone age!

But freaky to wake up to nightmares. I haven't done that in quite a while. Must be the job thing.

Finally! Some clarity on the work thing...

Current plan is to keep me through when I leave for China in May. Kinda sucky that I won't have a job or benefits anymore, but I can go back to being a slacker student on unemployment for a while. Might have to stop fighting for the fall without any health insurance, but we'll see if a job pans out once I'm back.

Time to go apply for summer internships - hey, I just might have a legal resume when I emerge from school, what a concept!

Ha! Victory is MINE!

Crisis averted. After talking to half of the administration yesterday, then emailing them this morning, I got the ability to take my writing course in the fall. Thank freaking GOD! I was rather annoyed about the whole thing, since they randomly changed the requirement. I even went home and read my Student Handbook to see if I was crazy. Nope, no such requirement.

So I did what any self-respecting Office Manager would do in a messy situation - I CC'd everyone who might have a clue and asked again. And lo and behold, I got the Registrar to email me back and say I can take it in my Fall semester.

I really hate this kind of bureaucratic stress, but at least they fixed it with some speed. I think I would have had an ulcer by Friday if not. Arrgh...

But yeah, crisis averted, life still on same schedule. Now, to go plan the job hunt from hell.....

Arrgh....

So, the lovely people in the Registrar's office decided to change one of the requirements for my degree after everyone had already registered for classes for the spring. Sure, I still have to take my upper level writing course, but I'm not allowed to take it in my last semester, which is the Fall semester. Which is the only semester I can take it. OY!

Positives? I'd get another 5-6 months of saving up cash to move and pay for bar crap. I'd get to move in the summer instead of the dead of winter during the holidays. My SD friends would rejoice in having me around a bit longer. There's a vague chance I could take something interesting course-wise.

Negatives? I have no idea if I can get financial aid for basically one course. Nor do I really have any desire to rack up any more debt. Nor do I really want to be in school any longer.

Arrgh.. Time to go talk to them about their collective stupidity and lack of notice on changing everything. I'd really prefer not to have this extension to the damn degree.

Blah. Alright, I'll step back from DefCon 3...

So, yeah. I obsess at times. When faced with an issue in my life, self-created or dropped on me from above, I devote my mental energies to solving it. Along with my pocketbook. In this case, it's all about job hunting. I've been in school for 3 years now, slaving away at my degree, attempting to get decent grades, and paying all of my bills with a modicum of efficiency. I've split my obsessing for the past few years between these grades and keeping my overall cost of living upon graduation as low as possible. Faced with the pressure of an added $500 per month payment on your brains, you might consider the same plan of action. Add in that I was raised by an accountant/labor negotiator who was always at war and a bookeeper with OCD, and I'm surprised I'm not autistic....

But job hunting gives me hives. It feels like going to a high school dance and being that geeky girl who never gets asked to dance. Every recruiter who looks at my resume makes "wow" noises. I've done a LOT of different jobs in a lot of different industries. If there was an award for covering most of the working situations possible in one's career, I'd have an Early Achievers award. So now that I'll be certifiably more educated than most of America, I would like a job to match. I am sick of being someone else's minion - I'd like my own minions, please! But if I have trouble finding the "during school" jobs, how the heck am I going to find a real one? Not to mention that I'm considering 2-3 major metro areas in my search, based on the simple fact that I can never decide where the heck I want to move next. I just find one thing to focus on, and away I go...

But I realized today, after finding a resume and cover letter service to throw money at in a few months, that I need to wait before I can start. Maybe go to China first. Then I can start the job fun. Then I can figure out which Bar I'm going to take. Then I can find a friend willing to let me crash on their couch for a bit until I can find my own place. And figure out which city is next on my list.

And it doesn't have to be tomorrow - life will go on! The sun will rise, my sewing projects will pile up, I will eventually get a real night's sleep, and my nephew will keep growing like a weed.

I just hate doing things half assed, so I prepare. I do research. I weigh my options. An excellent example is the fighting thing - I'd like to be better. But right now is not the time to devote time and energy to fighting. I just don't have either. And boy, can you tell by watching me fight. Spear isn't as painful, but sword and board is ugly. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've learned a few things, but when you're the type to throw yourself into something, body, heart and soul, half-assed is just frustrating. I hate not doing it well, and more than once I've considered walking away. But it still gives me one of the best stress relief systems in the world, and there's nothing like being on the field in the middle of a great big war battle. But now is not the time.

And now I've got plenty on my plate. I'll toss that stuff on the back burner. Get back to covering my China stuff and homework. And breathe. And again breathe.

Breathing.....

Yes, I know I'm stressing about math lately, but it's for a good cause...

I ran the average numbers again today, assuming that nothing changes in my salary, savings rate, or general financial situation for the next 12 months. And the comforting aspect is that as long as I'm able to support myself while studying for the Bar, I can get everything paid for that HAS to get paid. I only have about $1500 that I need to come up with outside my actual job and salary as long as I'm very conservative with my spending. That's entirely doable, as I can probably come up with a good chunk of that in this first few months of the year from sewing and selling yet more crap on eBay and Amazon. Which is good, because that's mainly my slush fund to pay expenses while I'm not earning a dime in China. Oy!

The painful part is that relocating is going to be interesting. Depending on jobs, I may just up and move at the end of the year, and moving expenses, the cost of paying basic bills and getting into a new place to live just isn't in the budget at this point. In theory I can get an extra job for the summer months when I get back from China. But that also precludes me taking a summer class (no money, and it's a trade off for tiem working). Not taking yet another summer class above and beyond my China trip makes the Fall semester tight, as the limit for part time is 11 credits. What do I need to graduate? Yup, 11 credits... I'm squeaking under the wire on a lot of fronts here, and I'm just not keen on taking yet another $9,000 in loans to make life easier. Not to mention the general cost to my sanity to extend this thing yet another semester...

I dunno, I could be putting too much pressure on myself, but I'm pretty keen on having a life again. if you're considering going to grad school, remember that while the benefits to your employment prospects can be huge, but the cost to your general life can be just as big. I put whole sections of my universe on hold, and I'm really chafing at not havign the ability to just go home and relax. Add in the financial constraints and stress over getting a job next year, and there's no wonder why I long for a massage like my life depended on it....

I can Count!

321 days until I graduate...

105 until I go to China.

Not that I'm counting or anything....

Crap! Only 105 days until China!

Cool Stuff I want to do in the next few years....

1. Pass the Bar. Any Bar. Dammit, I have a law degree, I wanna be an attorney!

2. See the Sequoias. Big trees. Me like big trees...

3. Run with the Bulls in Pamploma, Spain. Heck, if you're going to train to run, why not train to run away from something cool?

4. Visit Mongolia and do the Eagle Hunters Winter Tour
Eagle Hunters Rock!
Any trip you need a physical to go on is my kinda fun!

5. Fight in Crown legitimately. Sure, I'll get my ass beat, but the concept is to train up enough that I'm happy with my performance. Dammit, why did Charles have to move away. He'd be priceless as my consort!

6. Buy some form of real property. Preferrably a house, but if I end up in SoCal due to some of the job nibbles lately, it may just be vacant land. Or a postage stamp. Maybe a parking spot? Sheesh....

7. Hawaii. I have yet to get to Hawaii.