Brilliant!

It amuses me that I was nodding my ehad all through the beginning of this post..

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/11/when-did-we-stop-enjoying-holidays.html

Reality Check

I'm sure some folks would be horrified by this statement. For me, it means an accomplishment and general acquisition of a goal.

I'm almost down to my goal debt of being under $90k in debt when I graduate school, including all incidental debt, such as car loans and credit cards.

Go me! This could have been really ugly, and it could have been lower I'm sure. But sti8cking to a reasonable goal is an admirable thing :-)

And Trust, while I'm at it. On the very personal level...

Yup, that T-word. Haven't been a big fan lately, I've been doling it out sparingly. Why? Because I used to trust as the default and get disappointed a lot. I assumed people had a general level of basic social respect for people and their boundaries when in social situations. You know what I mean, it's called manners, tact, social grace. That basic "social grease" that gets us through most situations.

Perhaps it's because I'm from the NorthEast, where having a bit of room between people is an accepted social need. You don't assume you know anyone because you met them once, hung out for an hour, shared a drink, read their blog, whatever. You take your interaction with them as one bit of time spent for what it is - a brief look at that person in that moment. Give them room to show you who they are instead of cramming them into whatever social label you think fits. Give them a chance to actually get to know what's underneath instead of assuming that they're just and therefore shallow as a Phoenix rain puddle...

Now, there's something to be said for hitting it off with someone. Someone who just gets under your skin in a good way. You talk forever easily, relate, connect, and just grok each other. Usually it's just a pile of shared values and ways of expressing things. It's been a while, but yeah, when it's just that kind of thing, it's a huge relief. Someone who just connects with you, who you trust, who just gets it. I've got a bunch of those people in my life. One brand new person who knocks my socks off completely. Some folks earned it through action, some just showed up and surprised the hell out of me. Some folks have lost that, but still stay on my good people list. But I have to say that it is a huge relief to have these people in my life.

It's good to trust. I need to repeat that to myself. No chick is an island, or something like that. Battles are easier if you're not your own, one person army. And parties are more fun with others to attend. It's sooo tempting for me, lone wolf that I've been becoming, to wall up and hide out and wait to see if the weather will pass. It won't, it never does. Shit flies, despite all laws of physics. Monkeys like to throw it. Better to have people you trust to help in the shitstorm and shovel out when you get a break. Breathe, accept, relax. And trust...

Deep thoughts

I was attempting to write up my graduation party invite today and had to somehow describe how terribly grateful I am to all the people who've supported me through my degree. There's a LOT of people! And it got me thinking about people in my life - who's in, who's out, and how the heck I got rather distinct on who I want to spend time with.

I started school right after a nasty break up. No way to sugar coat that one. It was ugly, messy, and left scars. I hadn't been cheated on before, and not thrilled about repeating that experience. And I had enough proof to not want to have to worry about it anymore. But it made me cynical, angry and generally depressed about people in general. Not terribly fair, as I had and still have some fantastic friends who helped me through it all. But I was hurting, and didn't have my usual amount of free mental time to process things. And it's not something you just gloss over and move on. I tried to move on, but it took me quite a while to mostly get over it.

But I'm definitely once bitten, twice shy. My guard is still up, especially with the social foo that exploded for the following 2 years. Sheesh, people, get a grip! Just when I thought the biggest issue in my universe was whether to date or not, the SCA Drama LLama kicked me in the head repeatedly. A lot of you were right there with me and getting your own pain and suffering to match mine. We circled the wagons and tried to keep our dignity. Not easy when you're dragged through shit and forced to look at everyone cross eyed to see whose side they think they're on. Sure, common enemies can be motivation for a united front. Or it can create a shitty high school atmosphere of he said, she said, where no one is safe from the social lions and everyone enjoys seeing people dragged down and proven fallible. Hooray for the lynch mob, and don't ever pretend any one of us was safe. I truly feel sorry for everyone in that situation, even the ones I personally despise. I can feel sorry, forgive, but still not want a damn thing to do with you. Sure, it's fun to throw fuel on the gossip fires, but don't blame me when it burns you, too.

What did I learn?

1. It's ok not to like people, just make sure everyone knows where your boundaries are. It's ok to have boundaries, and some people fear people with strong boundaries.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to be polite in crappy situations and to tell the truth, the whole truth, and *ahem* nothing beyond the truth. Saying things judiciously is a virtue. Not being politically correct can save a sinking ship. Know when it's virtue v. a dying horse that's been beaten into hamburger.
3. Check sources before making grand gestures. Grand gestures bite you in the butt more often than quiet ones.
4. Never mess with the stealth bards - the story tellers, singers, well respected social butterflys. They are listened to more than the hoity toity, mainly because they genuinely like talking to people.
5. Pay attention to who is friends with whom, and more importantly, who talks to whom. Talking does not equal friendship, don't fool yourself. Some people equate people listening to them talk with power.
6. Being no one is not the same as being powerless. There's a lot of powerful nobodys around here, simply because they are good, fun people.
7. Sex is a huge motivator, almost as tasty as revenge and perceived power.
8. Better to stick with the friends who have your back than the ones who have lots of people's backs. No conflicts on who to save when the ship goes down with all hands aboard.
9. Being safe is better than being respected, given that crappy choice.
10. You just have to back up what you say with what you do. Really.
11. If you're not visible and active, no one cares what you think. Really. The social herd has about a 5 minute memory and attention span.
12. Sometimes it's better to retreat and get out of the fray than to attempt to fight.
13. Most social fighting has the consistency of Jello - you can't nail it to the wall, clean it up, or make it hold any consistent shape. But everyone has room for Jello.

So yeah. Somehow I kept friends, somehow got more, and still manage to trust people. Yay for human resiliency! Really quite an amazing critter.

So yes, lots of you are getting the invitation. Bug me if I forget you. I'm still human.