http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/05/31/news/green.php
I love articles like this. Two people from seemingly unconnected disciplines working together to find a solution. It's just genius!
I'm one of those people who gets frustrated with interactions with strangers in impersonal environments, like airports and traffic. I like people, but I prefer to be properly introduced and get a chance to interact on a personal level before I'm trapped in a tiny seat next to them for a 6 hour plane ride. I like the choice of whether I have to interact with someone or not. Sure, there's plenty of fantastic people I'm sure I'll never meet. It's a big world, shit happens...
But they way they describe the better designs for movement in these public places, based on reference points, curved movement, the element of surprise, etc. was just poetic to me! It sounds exciting and interesting! I want to go see it now! And doesn't it just make sense?
Now, I've been one of those people who thinks on straight lines and sharp edges. Get to the point, don't waste my time, don't be wussy, watery, dreamy person. I know I trashed a few friendships out of sheer frustration of dealing with someone who couldn't even focus on putting creamer in their coffee consistently. Ugh! I had to learn how to express what I was feeling in something other than a snarl, gorgeously anal project that I'd never finish, or just taking charge so that finally something would get done. But I've softened up lately. Some might call it more devious, but I'm learning to relax and let the flow take me where it needs to go. Forcing things makes you end up stuck at the sides in all the crap. Who wants to be surrounded by the crap on the shore when you could be swept along in adventures and new opportunities?
But you need reference points to look at to keep things in focus. Just enough to steer by, not so much that you're locked into the dull drudgery of the sadder parts of life. Room for curves, but less attempts to bring everything to a screeching halt. Things to reach for, but not lose hope over. Yeah, let it be, baby!
So yeah, if it seems like I don't push things too hard at times, I am. Think of me like a duck. All serene on top, paddling like mad underneath! Sure, I could go out on a limb and throw caution to the winds and force things. But why? If things were meant to be, I can gently work towards them without lopping off the heads of 1,000 peasants and charge across Europe on a big white horse. Besides, I like peasants. They cook better.
Now, what was I talking about again?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Feel the burn
Oh yeah, yet again I'm back to the non-stop training fun. I think my workouts kept me from getting terribly hurt this weekend - my back has officially stopped hurting just in time for my trainer to kick my ass. I did a good toning class yesterday which left me sore this morning, then Adam, my wonderful trainer, subtly kicked my ass all over town.
I punched, kicked, power lifted, and pushed weight around and sweated my ass off. I sure as hell hope this is paying off, because I feel like an old woman again today. I felt good when I left the gym, but as the day wore on at my computer, my muscles are tightening up and I'm moving slowly :-)
But thank goodness, because I've never healed this quickly from a back injury before. Granted, this one wasn't as bad as the time I went face first into the trampoline out of a flip. Nor was it a weird group of muscles like the trapeze days (my entire shoulder area was on fire for days!). But I don't even think I need a chiro appointment that terribly. I can wait until my regularly scheduled bit. Kinda cool.
Don't think I'm fighting this weekend though. I'll be in tourneys soon enough. In the meantime, I need a calm, happy weekend hanging with friends. We'll see if that happens :-)
I punched, kicked, power lifted, and pushed weight around and sweated my ass off. I sure as hell hope this is paying off, because I feel like an old woman again today. I felt good when I left the gym, but as the day wore on at my computer, my muscles are tightening up and I'm moving slowly :-)
But thank goodness, because I've never healed this quickly from a back injury before. Granted, this one wasn't as bad as the time I went face first into the trampoline out of a flip. Nor was it a weird group of muscles like the trapeze days (my entire shoulder area was on fire for days!). But I don't even think I need a chiro appointment that terribly. I can wait until my regularly scheduled bit. Kinda cool.
Don't think I'm fighting this weekend though. I'll be in tourneys soon enough. In the meantime, I need a calm, happy weekend hanging with friends. We'll see if that happens :-)
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
War numero uno....
Whew! What a war! I had a fabulous time, and I hope those of you who went as well. As usual, it was a great pleasure to see many of my friends and make new ones. This is going to take a few postings, so enjoy!
Overall, I was prepared for difficult times. Luckily, my friends tend to be rather logical, intelligent, and focused on the important things in life, so potential difficulties were addressed as a group. I talked to lots of people all weekend, and I was regularly impressed by the grace and tact of all I spoke with. It seemed there was an emphasis on dealing with any issues personally, taking responsibility for individual actions, and standing together as friends. Bless all of you, it was downright inspiring. On to the nitty gritty…
I had a BLAST fighting, especially on Sunday! While Saturday started out in difficulty, I scraped myself up and kept going. Some of you might have seen me launched into next week by Sir Njall on the early bridge battles on Saturday. It was a lesson in physics, as I had just thrown a spear shot hard when Njall connected just as hard with my helm. I was thrown about 5 feet back and landed twisted on my hip. I experienced that wonderful moment when you feel like curling up and staying there until the herd of elephants gets off of you. I’m happy to report that my Orkney self scraped myself up and crawled off the field. Then I had those lovely moments when I’m in pain, can’t help tearing up, I’m angry as hell because of embarrassment and shock, and Nate’s just begging me to let him go gack Njall. Well, my logic ruled out, I called off Nate, and I discussed the situation with Njall for a while. I’d like to officially say that I completely forgive him for throwing a good, hard shot that wasn’t meant for me, and rattled me all the way down my spine. Things happen in battle, it’s part of the game. I’m not thrilled about getting hurt, but I can deal. And I appreciated that Njall made sure to come by and talk to me. That impressed me more than anything, as I respect someone who deals directly with others in dealing with problems. That takes courage. And I apologize to anyone I may have offended for the rest of Saturday - my temper was up and I had Tourette's moments on a regular basis. I wasn't happy with my tendency to swear, and I apologize.
Otherwise, it was a good weekend for working on spear skills with the guys and working as a unit. We had a blast on the redoubt battle, although it was a rather difficult scenario. You really had to go out on a limb to gain a flag, and it got both harder and easier the next day with the rules changes. I kind of got sick of debating the “what hay bale can we shoot over” issue, but complex scenarios always seem to have that problem. But I had a few good personal moments, as I was apparently maniacally giggling and spearing people according to Big John. And I was told that I really was “Bad Ass”. While that still gives me the giggles, as I think I’m about as bad ass as a ground squirrel with a big stick, so be it. More from your favorite ground squirrel in a bit…
Overall, I was prepared for difficult times. Luckily, my friends tend to be rather logical, intelligent, and focused on the important things in life, so potential difficulties were addressed as a group. I talked to lots of people all weekend, and I was regularly impressed by the grace and tact of all I spoke with. It seemed there was an emphasis on dealing with any issues personally, taking responsibility for individual actions, and standing together as friends. Bless all of you, it was downright inspiring. On to the nitty gritty…
I had a BLAST fighting, especially on Sunday! While Saturday started out in difficulty, I scraped myself up and kept going. Some of you might have seen me launched into next week by Sir Njall on the early bridge battles on Saturday. It was a lesson in physics, as I had just thrown a spear shot hard when Njall connected just as hard with my helm. I was thrown about 5 feet back and landed twisted on my hip. I experienced that wonderful moment when you feel like curling up and staying there until the herd of elephants gets off of you. I’m happy to report that my Orkney self scraped myself up and crawled off the field. Then I had those lovely moments when I’m in pain, can’t help tearing up, I’m angry as hell because of embarrassment and shock, and Nate’s just begging me to let him go gack Njall. Well, my logic ruled out, I called off Nate, and I discussed the situation with Njall for a while. I’d like to officially say that I completely forgive him for throwing a good, hard shot that wasn’t meant for me, and rattled me all the way down my spine. Things happen in battle, it’s part of the game. I’m not thrilled about getting hurt, but I can deal. And I appreciated that Njall made sure to come by and talk to me. That impressed me more than anything, as I respect someone who deals directly with others in dealing with problems. That takes courage. And I apologize to anyone I may have offended for the rest of Saturday - my temper was up and I had Tourette's moments on a regular basis. I wasn't happy with my tendency to swear, and I apologize.
Otherwise, it was a good weekend for working on spear skills with the guys and working as a unit. We had a blast on the redoubt battle, although it was a rather difficult scenario. You really had to go out on a limb to gain a flag, and it got both harder and easier the next day with the rules changes. I kind of got sick of debating the “what hay bale can we shoot over” issue, but complex scenarios always seem to have that problem. But I had a few good personal moments, as I was apparently maniacally giggling and spearing people according to Big John. And I was told that I really was “Bad Ass”. While that still gives me the giggles, as I think I’m about as bad ass as a ground squirrel with a big stick, so be it. More from your favorite ground squirrel in a bit…
Friday, May 26, 2006
Off to war
God, I hate being in the office on a Friday afternoon with the car packed and ready to go.
Sure, I'm only driving 20 minutes to get there, but I'd much rather be there than here. The clock has a conspiracy about Friday afternoons - must go slow for those last 5 minutes. I'm actually filing some of my paperwork stack that needs culling. I must be bored stupid...
See y'all at war. The chaos generator that is my life will hopefully be much calmer. Or at least I can pretend.
No Oracle at Delphi setup - I couldn't find my Magic 8 Ball!
Sure, I'm only driving 20 minutes to get there, but I'd much rather be there than here. The clock has a conspiracy about Friday afternoons - must go slow for those last 5 minutes. I'm actually filing some of my paperwork stack that needs culling. I must be bored stupid...
See y'all at war. The chaos generator that is my life will hopefully be much calmer. Or at least I can pretend.
No Oracle at Delphi setup - I couldn't find my Magic 8 Ball!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
A Plea
Ok, universe. We just had a discussion about being psychic. Can we calm down the "life changing, big bomb dropping, dear God not you too" crap lately?
My phone is ringing off the hook, I'm talking to more people than a salesperson at a conference lately, and I'm not sleeping great. I really take exception on that last one. I can sleep through a World War yet I'm just not feeling my perky self lately. Ugh.
So whenever you'd like to calm the heck down, that would be lovely.
And while we're discussing things, I'd like a wonderful title to match my spiffy new job and raise. Every time I get a new job lately, they ask me what I want my title to be. I don't get assigned a title, like mere mortals. Heck no! I get choices. So I'd like to be the Grand Poo Bah of all things Logistic. It seems fitting since I visualize my job as juggling Ginsu's while riding a unicycle and getting fireballs thrown at me, and reciting the Gettysburg Address too, in a loud, dramatic voice of authority. It's relaxing as compared to the actual reality of everything I do all day. So while you're tinkering around, you just go make everything wonderful and I'll be sure to be appreciative when it happens.
Deal?
My phone is ringing off the hook, I'm talking to more people than a salesperson at a conference lately, and I'm not sleeping great. I really take exception on that last one. I can sleep through a World War yet I'm just not feeling my perky self lately. Ugh.
So whenever you'd like to calm the heck down, that would be lovely.
And while we're discussing things, I'd like a wonderful title to match my spiffy new job and raise. Every time I get a new job lately, they ask me what I want my title to be. I don't get assigned a title, like mere mortals. Heck no! I get choices. So I'd like to be the Grand Poo Bah of all things Logistic. It seems fitting since I visualize my job as juggling Ginsu's while riding a unicycle and getting fireballs thrown at me, and reciting the Gettysburg Address too, in a loud, dramatic voice of authority. It's relaxing as compared to the actual reality of everything I do all day. So while you're tinkering around, you just go make everything wonderful and I'll be sure to be appreciative when it happens.
Deal?
Sucks being right
Ok, Universe? I have a request. I would like to stop having gut feelings that are spot on for a bit. This is the 5th time this month I had a feeling not based in any concrete facts that something was going to happen, and it did. Again. Just like I said it would. And while it's lovely that I have this advance warning of situations I'm not entirely knowledgable about, I'd prefer not to be psychic, thanks.
Now, these are not situations I have any advance information pointing to what's going to happen for the most part. Some more than others, but in general, I've been completely in the dark about it. This most recent incident, all I had was a feeling. I didn't even know the people involved at all when I made my statement that it wouldn't work out. And it didn't work out. So how did I know that?
So I'm guessing that that uber-secret "make our people psychic" program I was in while I was at the government had a 10 year maturation cycle. Suddenly my powers have ripened like a durian. And it stinks just as much. I don't want to know - can I be clueless? Can I not "have a bad feeling about this"? I'm just respectfully requesting here. 'Cause it sucks to know all the time - where's the excitment in that? As Heinlein says, Cassandra didn't get half the kicking she deserved. And no one likes you when you're always right. They respect you a bit, but they don't really like it. Neither do I. Please get to work on that. Thanks!
Now, these are not situations I have any advance information pointing to what's going to happen for the most part. Some more than others, but in general, I've been completely in the dark about it. This most recent incident, all I had was a feeling. I didn't even know the people involved at all when I made my statement that it wouldn't work out. And it didn't work out. So how did I know that?
So I'm guessing that that uber-secret "make our people psychic" program I was in while I was at the government had a 10 year maturation cycle. Suddenly my powers have ripened like a durian. And it stinks just as much. I don't want to know - can I be clueless? Can I not "have a bad feeling about this"? I'm just respectfully requesting here. 'Cause it sucks to know all the time - where's the excitment in that? As Heinlein says, Cassandra didn't get half the kicking she deserved. And no one likes you when you're always right. They respect you a bit, but they don't really like it. Neither do I. Please get to work on that. Thanks!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Hahahahahahahahaha... ahem.
Scorpio Horoscope for week of May 25, 2006
According to mythologist Michael Meade, real warriors are those who are experts at avoiding violence. They know how to prevent the escalation of conflict. They're skilled at resolving problems before they explode. In fact, Meade says, war breaks out only when there are no authentic warriors involved in the situation. In this spirit, Scorpio, I exhort you to cultivate your skills as a warrior. You can be instrumental in dispersing the brewing tension well before it erupts into a brawl.
What blessings will life bring you in the coming week? What challenges will you be invited to dive into? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the week ahead.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/scorpio.html
According to mythologist Michael Meade, real warriors are those who are experts at avoiding violence. They know how to prevent the escalation of conflict. They're skilled at resolving problems before they explode. In fact, Meade says, war breaks out only when there are no authentic warriors involved in the situation. In this spirit, Scorpio, I exhort you to cultivate your skills as a warrior. You can be instrumental in dispersing the brewing tension well before it erupts into a brawl.
What blessings will life bring you in the coming week? What challenges will you be invited to dive into? To explore the ripening trends further, tune in to your Expanded Audio Horoscope for the week ahead.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/scorpio.html
Better now!
Ok, trip to the chiropractor, began the process of packing for this weekend, finished a tunic last night - I feel better!
Nothing like getting your headput on straight literally to make things much easier to deal with. And he let me know that due to my uber girly figure, I need to do a lot more work on my quads. Time to talk to the trainer and get some more exercises for strengthening those.
Time to shovel out all the camping crap and get things ready for this weekend. Should be a lot of fun!
Nothing like getting your headput on straight literally to make things much easier to deal with. And he let me know that due to my uber girly figure, I need to do a lot more work on my quads. Time to talk to the trainer and get some more exercises for strengthening those.
Time to shovel out all the camping crap and get things ready for this weekend. Should be a lot of fun!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Enough of this..
Ok, so my grades suck. So I'll be stuck working at McDonalds in the drive thru window. I'll be the best goddamn thing that drive thru window ever saw!
You will have fries with that, you will be super sizing, and you'll thank me for my damn thoughtfulness for asking! And while you're at it, you'll have a damned apple pie for dessert and enjoy the feeling of your arteries hardening and your waistband exploding all over the world.
Why? Because you're in America. Mind you, I didn't say you were an American, because some things you just can't assume in this fantastic little society of ours. And we believe in equal opportunity to eat ourselves sick in the best traditions of over-processed food and things that taste great despite making us sick! Everyone should have the opportunity for $6 meals which provide all the calories you need in a day (we're not discussing the fact that it's pretty much the worst possible choice of how to get your calories, just that it's available). Everyone should enjoy the bounty of America's ability to process what might be unthinkable to eat in other countries into tasty morsels of readily available, cheap food.
Yeah, you'll like it and come back for more of my fantastic smile and how my ass fits in those polyester uniforms. Oh yeah, nothing says desirable like a fast food chick in an ill-fitting uniform. Mmm-hmm, lemme sign up for more of that...
Ok, I'll stop now. I'm better. Helps to talk to attorneys and hear their horror stories from school. Just this once, it's not a terrible thing.
You will have fries with that, you will be super sizing, and you'll thank me for my damn thoughtfulness for asking! And while you're at it, you'll have a damned apple pie for dessert and enjoy the feeling of your arteries hardening and your waistband exploding all over the world.
Why? Because you're in America. Mind you, I didn't say you were an American, because some things you just can't assume in this fantastic little society of ours. And we believe in equal opportunity to eat ourselves sick in the best traditions of over-processed food and things that taste great despite making us sick! Everyone should have the opportunity for $6 meals which provide all the calories you need in a day (we're not discussing the fact that it's pretty much the worst possible choice of how to get your calories, just that it's available). Everyone should enjoy the bounty of America's ability to process what might be unthinkable to eat in other countries into tasty morsels of readily available, cheap food.
Yeah, you'll like it and come back for more of my fantastic smile and how my ass fits in those polyester uniforms. Oh yeah, nothing says desirable like a fast food chick in an ill-fitting uniform. Mmm-hmm, lemme sign up for more of that...
Ok, I'll stop now. I'm better. Helps to talk to attorneys and hear their horror stories from school. Just this once, it's not a terrible thing.
Oy, the big shit...
Ok, so apparently hope is a fragile thing with me lately. I'm kinda bummed, despite spending a really great weekend up north with a lot of fun folks who apparently think I'm kinda fun. I had a blast and it was a really good time. But I couldn't shake being a bit sad. Maybe I had a feeling about my shitty grades or something, I dunno. I seem to be pretty psychic lately.
It's funny because I have to remind myself that what I'm doing is pretty damn hard. This whole working while going to school thing is just hard. There are plenty of days where I could barely bring myself to get to class, study, read, or anything else this semester. It's clearly reflected in my grades. I'm determined not to let that happen again, yet there is a nagging sensation of running out of steam. Now, I know I'm going to finish this, but this midpoint is painful. All the usual questions of why the hell am I putting myself through this, why can't I get a damn internship, how the hell can I even fit in an internship, etc.. It's tough loving something that doesn't love you back much. And do I really suck this badly? Really? Or is it just my complete lack of motivation that I let myself get distracted by more fun things in order to just plain feel better? I'm going with that last bit. It feels true to me, despite not being very good for my grades. But damn, is this hard to stay focused on! And being down on that huge section of my life makes me question the other parts - my financials, my choices for living arrangements, my love life, yadda yadda. Annoying that that's what happens, but it's real shit and I can't let this get me down on everything.
And this is the point where I usually run away. Yup, I do it. Lots of folks do. It's a natural thing to want to find an easier route out of this. Luckily for me, the easier route really is just to dig in and get school finished so that all those student loans aren't wasted on 1/2 of a degree. 1/2 of a degree is about as useful as 1/2 of a baby, just ask King Soloman :-) I know I'll get there, I just have to take my hard earned crappy grades and not make that happen again. So I'll take the summer off, refocus on getting my life more simplified yet again, not take the laptop into class so I can't screw around the whole time in class. Yup, lessons learned, go me...
So yeah, if I'm grumpy about school and being a lawyer at the moment, it's because I'm grumpy. You'd be grumpy with crappy grades too, right? I'll get over myself in a few days. And a few discussions with my mentor folks once I calm down about how I can make things work better.
It's funny because I have to remind myself that what I'm doing is pretty damn hard. This whole working while going to school thing is just hard. There are plenty of days where I could barely bring myself to get to class, study, read, or anything else this semester. It's clearly reflected in my grades. I'm determined not to let that happen again, yet there is a nagging sensation of running out of steam. Now, I know I'm going to finish this, but this midpoint is painful. All the usual questions of why the hell am I putting myself through this, why can't I get a damn internship, how the hell can I even fit in an internship, etc.. It's tough loving something that doesn't love you back much. And do I really suck this badly? Really? Or is it just my complete lack of motivation that I let myself get distracted by more fun things in order to just plain feel better? I'm going with that last bit. It feels true to me, despite not being very good for my grades. But damn, is this hard to stay focused on! And being down on that huge section of my life makes me question the other parts - my financials, my choices for living arrangements, my love life, yadda yadda. Annoying that that's what happens, but it's real shit and I can't let this get me down on everything.
And this is the point where I usually run away. Yup, I do it. Lots of folks do. It's a natural thing to want to find an easier route out of this. Luckily for me, the easier route really is just to dig in and get school finished so that all those student loans aren't wasted on 1/2 of a degree. 1/2 of a degree is about as useful as 1/2 of a baby, just ask King Soloman :-) I know I'll get there, I just have to take my hard earned crappy grades and not make that happen again. So I'll take the summer off, refocus on getting my life more simplified yet again, not take the laptop into class so I can't screw around the whole time in class. Yup, lessons learned, go me...
So yeah, if I'm grumpy about school and being a lawyer at the moment, it's because I'm grumpy. You'd be grumpy with crappy grades too, right? I'll get over myself in a few days. And a few discussions with my mentor folks once I calm down about how I can make things work better.
Monday, May 22, 2006
I just ran, I ran so far away...
So, there's this guy wayyyyyy up north who adores me apparently. Or at least thinks I'm pretty. Why do I know this? Because he tells me every freaking time I see him or get an email from him or whatever. And I can just hear the snarky irony that goes with this little situation.
Well, I saw him recently, after not seeing or hearing from him since last July. And the look he gave me was enough to have me running to the hills, pity any obstacles in my way. Now, it was a good look, if we weren't 2000 miles apart and he didn't have a habit of not listening to anything coming out of my mouth ever. Simply put, I'm just not interested. I've said as much to him directly. Still the damn look.
And it shocked me that I was so completely terrified by this. Weird. Strange. I can take a charge from a shield wall, but I can't handle puppy eyes? Really? I think it was more the simple fact that even me saying no to him more than once wasn't enough to keep him away. That freaks me out. That's a boundary issue, flag on the play, 10 yard penalty and I get a first down. I'm really not interested in someone who doesn't respect my wishes, and while he does listen to what I like or dislike, it mostly seems to be to find more ways to attempt to manipulate me.
And why have I not just put the cabosh on this whole situation yet? Oh hell, I've tried a few times now. How many ways can you say to someone "not interested" and if they keep coming back, is that supposed to be a good thing? I mean really, this guy is more resiliant than a bucket of silly putty. Do I really have to kick you or unleash a few of my larger, more persuasive friends here? I'm usually self sufficient girl, but I may need help on this one. That scares me too. Really, I need help to get rid of someone? Ugh, so frustrating. I am way too nice, and I so hate anything like this. But I think I need to fish my balls out and just break it to the guy that no, I'm not interested. Hell, I might just say I'm seeing someone, truthful or not.
And worst of all, am I running away because I'm terrified of a relationship in general or is it just him? I'm going with it's him, mainly because I'm getting better with the concept of dating again lately. It's not as terrifying to think someone is yet again going to have the capacity to stomp on my heart or violate my ability to trust someone again. I'm almost at the point where I would consider a bilateral treaty arrangement for going on casual dates with someone cool and laid back, with the possibility to renegotiate over time for greater unity. But woof, it was like getting punched in the stomach with all the pedastal sitting, overwhelming adoration, omigod you're pretty emanating from this guy! I've never felt becoming physically ill by someone who I do actually think is a decent guy on some levels. Pretty damn psycho on other levels, but that's where the illness came from. ANd I'm really done with the psycho guys. Insanity is repeating the same shit over and over expecting a different result. Little man, you're insane!
Well, I saw him recently, after not seeing or hearing from him since last July. And the look he gave me was enough to have me running to the hills, pity any obstacles in my way. Now, it was a good look, if we weren't 2000 miles apart and he didn't have a habit of not listening to anything coming out of my mouth ever. Simply put, I'm just not interested. I've said as much to him directly. Still the damn look.
And it shocked me that I was so completely terrified by this. Weird. Strange. I can take a charge from a shield wall, but I can't handle puppy eyes? Really? I think it was more the simple fact that even me saying no to him more than once wasn't enough to keep him away. That freaks me out. That's a boundary issue, flag on the play, 10 yard penalty and I get a first down. I'm really not interested in someone who doesn't respect my wishes, and while he does listen to what I like or dislike, it mostly seems to be to find more ways to attempt to manipulate me.
And why have I not just put the cabosh on this whole situation yet? Oh hell, I've tried a few times now. How many ways can you say to someone "not interested" and if they keep coming back, is that supposed to be a good thing? I mean really, this guy is more resiliant than a bucket of silly putty. Do I really have to kick you or unleash a few of my larger, more persuasive friends here? I'm usually self sufficient girl, but I may need help on this one. That scares me too. Really, I need help to get rid of someone? Ugh, so frustrating. I am way too nice, and I so hate anything like this. But I think I need to fish my balls out and just break it to the guy that no, I'm not interested. Hell, I might just say I'm seeing someone, truthful or not.
And worst of all, am I running away because I'm terrified of a relationship in general or is it just him? I'm going with it's him, mainly because I'm getting better with the concept of dating again lately. It's not as terrifying to think someone is yet again going to have the capacity to stomp on my heart or violate my ability to trust someone again. I'm almost at the point where I would consider a bilateral treaty arrangement for going on casual dates with someone cool and laid back, with the possibility to renegotiate over time for greater unity. But woof, it was like getting punched in the stomach with all the pedastal sitting, overwhelming adoration, omigod you're pretty emanating from this guy! I've never felt becoming physically ill by someone who I do actually think is a decent guy on some levels. Pretty damn psycho on other levels, but that's where the illness came from. ANd I'm really done with the psycho guys. Insanity is repeating the same shit over and over expecting a different result. Little man, you're insane!
Ok, it's official, I suck...
Wow, did I tank big time this semester. Looks like I needed a break pretty badly. My grades are really, really bad. Retaking a class bad. Stinking my average terribly bad. In a way, I'm kind of relieved. I knew I didn't do the work. It might mean another semester in school, but I can handle that. I'd rather retake a class than keep the really crappy grades. I'll check into it and see what the deal is there, go discuss things with my professors, and see what I can do. Last week I was pissy, this week I'm just relieved to have the grades.
It's rather frustrating because I kind of lost the fire this semester. I love the law. I really want to get the hell out already and practice. I want someone to give me a stinking chance to prove that I could be good at it. But I need to get my ass through school first and play the game. And I'm tired. I hate the reading lately, despise sitting through lectures, and I just get so damn tired on this schedule. I've been doing more stuff that isn't good for me lately, so the break will be good for me to settle down and just concentrate on taking care of myself for a bit. And hopefully get back the drive by fall so I can power through another year. Almost there, more than halfway done. But wow, is this painful sometimes!
So if I back off from a few things at times or just seem like I'm thinking too hard, I probably am. Strategy is my thing, and I need to get through this. Probably going to be less social crap next year, but that's ok. Right now I needed social, I'll be back on track pretty soon. But it's gotta be about the schoolwork. I really need to fix the school work. This is what happens when I ace a course and get cocky - just not a good thing for me. Back to competing with myself more. Back to digging in.
It's rather frustrating because I kind of lost the fire this semester. I love the law. I really want to get the hell out already and practice. I want someone to give me a stinking chance to prove that I could be good at it. But I need to get my ass through school first and play the game. And I'm tired. I hate the reading lately, despise sitting through lectures, and I just get so damn tired on this schedule. I've been doing more stuff that isn't good for me lately, so the break will be good for me to settle down and just concentrate on taking care of myself for a bit. And hopefully get back the drive by fall so I can power through another year. Almost there, more than halfway done. But wow, is this painful sometimes!
So if I back off from a few things at times or just seem like I'm thinking too hard, I probably am. Strategy is my thing, and I need to get through this. Probably going to be less social crap next year, but that's ok. Right now I needed social, I'll be back on track pretty soon. But it's gotta be about the schoolwork. I really need to fix the school work. This is what happens when I ace a course and get cocky - just not a good thing for me. Back to competing with myself more. Back to digging in.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Hrumph....
Dammit, now I just want to sit and watch LOTR until my eyes bleed. Some folks eat while depressed, I design costumes and watch fantasy movies. I'd rather watch people get cleaved in two for a few hours than face the reality of my burnt out grey matter, and the effects it will have on my GPA. Blah.
Got my first grade. It's not pretty. See MySpace in about an hour for the bitchy scoop...
I'm off to the Great but not White North for the weekend. Literal escapism is my creed. If I travel fast enough, it won't get me, tee hee...
Got my first grade. It's not pretty. See MySpace in about an hour for the bitchy scoop...
I'm off to the Great but not White North for the weekend. Literal escapism is my creed. If I travel fast enough, it won't get me, tee hee...
An Tir!
EEEEK! I’m so excited to be heading up to Portland today – I simply love it up there. And I’m all proud that Gulenay’s getting her Laurel! Added bonuses of seeing all my northern friends, being at yet another Crown tourney (this is the third one this year, it’s like the Superbowl in every Kingdom, go me!), and just getting a real trip now that school is totally over.
An Tir, to me, has the nicest trees and sites, some of the nicest folks (although that’s a toss up with most of the Knowne World) and really amazing garb. Y’all can talk about how fantastic Caid is for garb, but we really don’t hold a historical candle to some of the folks in the West and An Tir. Just some amazing freaking handwork! And they wear it all over the place! Inspires me to create some really awesome stuff for Sherief yet again.. Hmm, that linen tunic needs something other than cool trim this time :-) Maybe tiraz bands or applique arabesques...
So when I head north, I’m usually really happy to see everyone! S and G and I will be trapped in a car for a few hours together, so we’ll likely be like a bunch of teenage girls all excited to go on a trip! Should be a lot of fun, and every time I go up, I meet even more fantastic folks. Sure, I’m gushing, but you know how it is when you find a great place where everyone knows your name and they overlook the fact that you lit your face on fire the last time they saw you! And they’ve finally realized that my pure silk saris, properly wrapped, can be warmer than their wools. It’s called a medieval windbreaker :-) We won’t mention the flannel pants I’m wearing underneath, a la Guin… But they have stopped asking me if I'm cold all the time.
So yeah, I’m excited. Only thing that would make it even better would be to finally get a grade or two so I can stop this infernal waiting on my grades. Just one, I’m only asking for one. I can live with the pain, just save me some of the waiting! And if it’s a good grade, well, it’s party time!
Have a great weekend, my friends. Life is soooo very nice!
An Tir, to me, has the nicest trees and sites, some of the nicest folks (although that’s a toss up with most of the Knowne World) and really amazing garb. Y’all can talk about how fantastic Caid is for garb, but we really don’t hold a historical candle to some of the folks in the West and An Tir. Just some amazing freaking handwork! And they wear it all over the place! Inspires me to create some really awesome stuff for Sherief yet again.. Hmm, that linen tunic needs something other than cool trim this time :-) Maybe tiraz bands or applique arabesques...
So when I head north, I’m usually really happy to see everyone! S and G and I will be trapped in a car for a few hours together, so we’ll likely be like a bunch of teenage girls all excited to go on a trip! Should be a lot of fun, and every time I go up, I meet even more fantastic folks. Sure, I’m gushing, but you know how it is when you find a great place where everyone knows your name and they overlook the fact that you lit your face on fire the last time they saw you! And they’ve finally realized that my pure silk saris, properly wrapped, can be warmer than their wools. It’s called a medieval windbreaker :-) We won’t mention the flannel pants I’m wearing underneath, a la Guin… But they have stopped asking me if I'm cold all the time.
So yeah, I’m excited. Only thing that would make it even better would be to finally get a grade or two so I can stop this infernal waiting on my grades. Just one, I’m only asking for one. I can live with the pain, just save me some of the waiting! And if it’s a good grade, well, it’s party time!
Have a great weekend, my friends. Life is soooo very nice!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Ponderings in the tanning bed
I was lying there, scantily clad with cancer causing light streaming down on me, just thinking. I've found the tanning bed, of all things, to be rather relaxing lately. Until this afternoon.
I was lying there, pondering my exercise regimen, when I heard something. A little noise. One of those non-descript noises that make you think someone or something is in the room. Now, I can't open my eyes - the light's bad for your corneas, and I like my corneas. But I hear more little noises. Great, I think to myself, there's the headlines: Woman gets hand gnawed off in tanning bed by wayward downtown rat... Just lovely. Well, I peeked, and didn't see anything. I laid there, attempting to calm down when I realized that I'm just being hyper. There's someone in the exercise room, and I can hear them through the little slats on the door. Ugh, panic for nothing! Breathe and soak up the rays, grasshopper...
So I pondered my body again. All this exercise is a good thing. Granted, I have a long way to go, but just starting and staying with it is pretty impressive for me. My brain is what short attention span theatre was modeled on. I'm not really great at finishing everything I start, and at times I'd rather cut my losses than struggle through to save a sinking ship. But I am working out, and enjoying it. Now, if I just lose a few more inches around my waist, I'll have the earthly equivalent of Barbie proportions. Not the top heavy, falling down proportions, but close enough for government work :-) And the happiest thought of all was having boobs. Yeah, it's silly. I've got boobs. I think they were a consolation prize for turning 30 - I've never had this much boobage before. It's weird. So I'm being careful to preserve the boobs in my plans. And it was nice to be able to do spear practice last night and not feel creaky and weak. Yay!
I was lying there, pondering my exercise regimen, when I heard something. A little noise. One of those non-descript noises that make you think someone or something is in the room. Now, I can't open my eyes - the light's bad for your corneas, and I like my corneas. But I hear more little noises. Great, I think to myself, there's the headlines: Woman gets hand gnawed off in tanning bed by wayward downtown rat... Just lovely. Well, I peeked, and didn't see anything. I laid there, attempting to calm down when I realized that I'm just being hyper. There's someone in the exercise room, and I can hear them through the little slats on the door. Ugh, panic for nothing! Breathe and soak up the rays, grasshopper...
So I pondered my body again. All this exercise is a good thing. Granted, I have a long way to go, but just starting and staying with it is pretty impressive for me. My brain is what short attention span theatre was modeled on. I'm not really great at finishing everything I start, and at times I'd rather cut my losses than struggle through to save a sinking ship. But I am working out, and enjoying it. Now, if I just lose a few more inches around my waist, I'll have the earthly equivalent of Barbie proportions. Not the top heavy, falling down proportions, but close enough for government work :-) And the happiest thought of all was having boobs. Yeah, it's silly. I've got boobs. I think they were a consolation prize for turning 30 - I've never had this much boobage before. It's weird. So I'm being careful to preserve the boobs in my plans. And it was nice to be able to do spear practice last night and not feel creaky and weak. Yay!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Tell me you're fantastic!
Ok, pet peeve time. What is it with guys, because it’s mostly guys, who say “write soon!” and then don’t have anything entertaining to say? No questions asked, no entertaining stories, nothing but “can’t wait to hear from you again”. About what? What are we talking about that’s soo fabulous? I can’t remember what the hell we were talking about, and when I go back and read the email trail, I still have no idea. Yeah, this sounds kinda bitchy. There’s a reason I’m not big on the whole “online meet and greet” thing.
Email is a skill. Giving good email can be equated to dancing. You have to pay attention to what your partner is doing in order to make it interesting. You don’t want to step on their toes, have a wimpy stance, and you have to be sure you’re both going in the same direction. It amuses the hell out of me when I can literally hear someone’s thought trail as I read their reply message – “Do I like her? Does she like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to respond to that?”. Yes, it does come through. Yes, my job requires a huge amount of empathy, and at times I think I’m psychic. So yes, I do hear that. And yes, most guys and girls think along predictable patterns. It’s just the way the monkeys talk. We all want to know the same things about people when we meet them – do they like me? Will they treat me with respect? How close do I want this person to be? Do they want to be my friend/lover/spanky monkey/etc.?
But email takes it to a whole new level. If you’ve never or rarely met that person in the flesh, you don’t have that library of their reactions and definitions to things. So you have to spend more time telling stories, asking questions, and relating in general. Which brings me back to the whole bad/boring/worthless email thing. Without a frame of reference created by spending time together, in order to know someone online, you need to create that frame of reference. Open up, Sparky, I can get this level of interaction in a bar with really loud music with the added bonus of dance music and decent drinks. And the assistance of my friends in getting rid of your butt if you turn out to be less than stellar. Harsh? Perhaps… But I have a busy schedule, fantastic friends, and lots of cool ass hobbies. I could be out creating something beautiful and exchanging thoughts with the folks I already know I adore. I’d rather hear about who you are than read another forwarded joke that I got 6 months ago from 14 other folks who have my email. Why would I bother with Hershey’s when my universe is Godiva, baby?
I’m not a snob, at least not for status’s sake. I’m a time snob. My time deserves to be spent in the best possible company I can find. And I’ve got some fantastic people in my life. Convince me :-)
Email is a skill. Giving good email can be equated to dancing. You have to pay attention to what your partner is doing in order to make it interesting. You don’t want to step on their toes, have a wimpy stance, and you have to be sure you’re both going in the same direction. It amuses the hell out of me when I can literally hear someone’s thought trail as I read their reply message – “Do I like her? Does she like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to respond to that?”. Yes, it does come through. Yes, my job requires a huge amount of empathy, and at times I think I’m psychic. So yes, I do hear that. And yes, most guys and girls think along predictable patterns. It’s just the way the monkeys talk. We all want to know the same things about people when we meet them – do they like me? Will they treat me with respect? How close do I want this person to be? Do they want to be my friend/lover/spanky monkey/etc.?
But email takes it to a whole new level. If you’ve never or rarely met that person in the flesh, you don’t have that library of their reactions and definitions to things. So you have to spend more time telling stories, asking questions, and relating in general. Which brings me back to the whole bad/boring/worthless email thing. Without a frame of reference created by spending time together, in order to know someone online, you need to create that frame of reference. Open up, Sparky, I can get this level of interaction in a bar with really loud music with the added bonus of dance music and decent drinks. And the assistance of my friends in getting rid of your butt if you turn out to be less than stellar. Harsh? Perhaps… But I have a busy schedule, fantastic friends, and lots of cool ass hobbies. I could be out creating something beautiful and exchanging thoughts with the folks I already know I adore. I’d rather hear about who you are than read another forwarded joke that I got 6 months ago from 14 other folks who have my email. Why would I bother with Hershey’s when my universe is Godiva, baby?
I’m not a snob, at least not for status’s sake. I’m a time snob. My time deserves to be spent in the best possible company I can find. And I’ve got some fantastic people in my life. Convince me :-)
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Let the summer begin...
Wow, crazy few days. I'm all unfocused and discombobulated. I'll be starting to sew this weekend, but I decided to give myself a day or two to just sit and do nothing, or whatever else I wanted to do. I'm just terrible at it, it's hilarious!
I watched Legally Blonde while playing a video game and intermittantly washing dishes and cooking. And that was the first 2 hours. I need to relearn how to just sit my ass down and enjoy relaxing! It's gonna take a few weeks to wind down. But it's damn funny in the meantime. I'd like to put all that creativity and energy to work, but every time I look at something that feels like work, my inner 2 year old says NO!. Yup, this is gonna be amusing.....
And by the way, Legally Blonde was a great reminder of why I ended up in law school. I was fighting being a lawyer until I saw that movie. While it's not that realistic in comparison to my reality of law school, it does capture some of the "I wanna help things and still be a nice person" mentality that I do find motivating. While I'm not keen on saving the world until after I've paid off my ridiculous debt and bought a house, I do genuinely want to make people's lives better and solve problems. Perhaps not on a global scale, but I'm lucky enough to work with lawyers on a daily basis who genuinely want to solve problems, not create them. It's pretty cool. And they're just a fun bunch of people, probably the most fun lawyers I've ever met. So there, take that you cranky ass big firm folks!
I watched Legally Blonde while playing a video game and intermittantly washing dishes and cooking. And that was the first 2 hours. I need to relearn how to just sit my ass down and enjoy relaxing! It's gonna take a few weeks to wind down. But it's damn funny in the meantime. I'd like to put all that creativity and energy to work, but every time I look at something that feels like work, my inner 2 year old says NO!. Yup, this is gonna be amusing.....
And by the way, Legally Blonde was a great reminder of why I ended up in law school. I was fighting being a lawyer until I saw that movie. While it's not that realistic in comparison to my reality of law school, it does capture some of the "I wanna help things and still be a nice person" mentality that I do find motivating. While I'm not keen on saving the world until after I've paid off my ridiculous debt and bought a house, I do genuinely want to make people's lives better and solve problems. Perhaps not on a global scale, but I'm lucky enough to work with lawyers on a daily basis who genuinely want to solve problems, not create them. It's pretty cool. And they're just a fun bunch of people, probably the most fun lawyers I've ever met. So there, take that you cranky ass big firm folks!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Survival
Well, I'm done. Finis. Fat lady is singing loudly. Year #2 of law school completely done, thank all the various dieties in the world. I'm holding onto a decent average, and it even went up once I started working full time and going to school at night. Yes, I am insane, but it's apredictable insane.
We'll see how my grades are. As usual, I don't have high hopes. One would think with the distinctly short amount of time I actually spend studying that I would be doing a lot worse in school. But thus far I'm in the top 15-20% of the class, and muddle along quite nicely. Somehow. It's a major miracle actually - by the time I get out of work, get food, and get to class, it's the last place I want to be. I end up playing a lot more computer games and surfing MySpace than actually listening in class. But the nature of law school is such that in classes like my recent Con Law II class, I can not pay any attention in class, go home and read a decent outline on Con Law, and ace the exam. Why? Because your rights just don't change that much folks. As long as I keep my little ears perked up for what Mr. Professor likes to see in essay exams, I should be fine. We'll see what happend with my grade, but I threw in enough stuff that he said in class that it should be a decent answer. I really don't think I aced this one, but I'm somewhere in the middle of the pack yet again. And apparently my writing style is popular.
Then I realized that I'm a stressball o' fun. Two weeks of realizing that I just spent the last semester playing solitaire until my hands ached, and I panicked. A lot. And procrastinated. A lot. I'm really getting burned out, definitely time for a summer off. It was nearly impossible for me to get myself to sit down and do the work. By the last 3 weeks of classes, I'd already quit doing homework. Not good. Usually I'm all competitive and chomping at the bit to pour out all my hard earned knowledge on the exam. This time I had to keep from falling asleep on my laptop. So I went home last night, downed a few margaritas with the good tequila, harrassed my neighbors jovially, and finally fell down around midnight. The alcohol allowed me to get the first decent night's sleep in the last 2 weeks, and despite being way to short, I woke up somewhat rested. Tiny leetle hangover headache, but then that's why I drink the good stuff. More quality = less pain later...
Scheduling the massages for the next two weeks, getting to bed early tonight. Time to teach class tomorrow night!
We'll see how my grades are. As usual, I don't have high hopes. One would think with the distinctly short amount of time I actually spend studying that I would be doing a lot worse in school. But thus far I'm in the top 15-20% of the class, and muddle along quite nicely. Somehow. It's a major miracle actually - by the time I get out of work, get food, and get to class, it's the last place I want to be. I end up playing a lot more computer games and surfing MySpace than actually listening in class. But the nature of law school is such that in classes like my recent Con Law II class, I can not pay any attention in class, go home and read a decent outline on Con Law, and ace the exam. Why? Because your rights just don't change that much folks. As long as I keep my little ears perked up for what Mr. Professor likes to see in essay exams, I should be fine. We'll see what happend with my grade, but I threw in enough stuff that he said in class that it should be a decent answer. I really don't think I aced this one, but I'm somewhere in the middle of the pack yet again. And apparently my writing style is popular.
Then I realized that I'm a stressball o' fun. Two weeks of realizing that I just spent the last semester playing solitaire until my hands ached, and I panicked. A lot. And procrastinated. A lot. I'm really getting burned out, definitely time for a summer off. It was nearly impossible for me to get myself to sit down and do the work. By the last 3 weeks of classes, I'd already quit doing homework. Not good. Usually I'm all competitive and chomping at the bit to pour out all my hard earned knowledge on the exam. This time I had to keep from falling asleep on my laptop. So I went home last night, downed a few margaritas with the good tequila, harrassed my neighbors jovially, and finally fell down around midnight. The alcohol allowed me to get the first decent night's sleep in the last 2 weeks, and despite being way to short, I woke up somewhat rested. Tiny leetle hangover headache, but then that's why I drink the good stuff. More quality = less pain later...
Scheduling the massages for the next two weeks, getting to bed early tonight. Time to teach class tomorrow night!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Ugh
Wish me luck - off to exam #1, then home to cram for exam #2 tomorrow.
Hate these damn exams, but somehow I tend to do ok.
Hate these damn exams, but somehow I tend to do ok.
Just not right
Ok, so in my procrastination laden weekend, I came across a Flight 93 movie somewhere on tv. Thw whole thing just made me mad. I could only watch a few minutes of the passengers calling their relatives and telling them they loved them before I had to turn it off. Why are humans just so damn fascinated by the macabre concepts of weird ways to die?
I just don't understand the fascination. Maybe it's my time investigating this type of stuff that just makes me want to shoot the producers. Sure, they'll say they're "doing a service", that they're "respecting the deaths of those heros".... I've heard those excuses before, mainly from the press. At the end of the day, a lot of people died in a horrific way. If it were my family member that had died, I'd be hard pressed to agree to some crap like this.
It's just hard for me to watch such a horrible situation, knowing they're all going to die. It's just not entertainment to me. Kind of like watching bear baiting or some such sport - you know they're going to be horridly tortured before the end, why are we watching this.
I don't need to be reminded that there are fanatics in the world. Sure, it's better for the public's opinion on Iraq to have a reminder of how we got there. But do we have to do it by exploiting people who died?
I just don't understand the fascination. Maybe it's my time investigating this type of stuff that just makes me want to shoot the producers. Sure, they'll say they're "doing a service", that they're "respecting the deaths of those heros".... I've heard those excuses before, mainly from the press. At the end of the day, a lot of people died in a horrific way. If it were my family member that had died, I'd be hard pressed to agree to some crap like this.
It's just hard for me to watch such a horrible situation, knowing they're all going to die. It's just not entertainment to me. Kind of like watching bear baiting or some such sport - you know they're going to be horridly tortured before the end, why are we watching this.
I don't need to be reminded that there are fanatics in the world. Sure, it's better for the public's opinion on Iraq to have a reminder of how we got there. But do we have to do it by exploiting people who died?
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