Oy, the big shit...

Ok, so apparently hope is a fragile thing with me lately. I'm kinda bummed, despite spending a really great weekend up north with a lot of fun folks who apparently think I'm kinda fun. I had a blast and it was a really good time. But I couldn't shake being a bit sad. Maybe I had a feeling about my shitty grades or something, I dunno. I seem to be pretty psychic lately.

It's funny because I have to remind myself that what I'm doing is pretty damn hard. This whole working while going to school thing is just hard. There are plenty of days where I could barely bring myself to get to class, study, read, or anything else this semester. It's clearly reflected in my grades. I'm determined not to let that happen again, yet there is a nagging sensation of running out of steam. Now, I know I'm going to finish this, but this midpoint is painful. All the usual questions of why the hell am I putting myself through this, why can't I get a damn internship, how the hell can I even fit in an internship, etc.. It's tough loving something that doesn't love you back much. And do I really suck this badly? Really? Or is it just my complete lack of motivation that I let myself get distracted by more fun things in order to just plain feel better? I'm going with that last bit. It feels true to me, despite not being very good for my grades. But damn, is this hard to stay focused on! And being down on that huge section of my life makes me question the other parts - my financials, my choices for living arrangements, my love life, yadda yadda. Annoying that that's what happens, but it's real shit and I can't let this get me down on everything.

And this is the point where I usually run away. Yup, I do it. Lots of folks do. It's a natural thing to want to find an easier route out of this. Luckily for me, the easier route really is just to dig in and get school finished so that all those student loans aren't wasted on 1/2 of a degree. 1/2 of a degree is about as useful as 1/2 of a baby, just ask King Soloman :-) I know I'll get there, I just have to take my hard earned crappy grades and not make that happen again. So I'll take the summer off, refocus on getting my life more simplified yet again, not take the laptop into class so I can't screw around the whole time in class. Yup, lessons learned, go me...

So yeah, if I'm grumpy about school and being a lawyer at the moment, it's because I'm grumpy. You'd be grumpy with crappy grades too, right? I'll get over myself in a few days. And a few discussions with my mentor folks once I calm down about how I can make things work better.