Dance

I’ve been struggling with something for a while now, and I think I just need to spread all the individual issues out and see where they lead. Dancing is bugging me lately. I’m just not that into belly dancing at the moment – not teaching, not performing, not making costumes, etc. While I enjoy the actual act of dancing, I’m not big on the parts that involve other people right now. I’ve never been one to perform for anyone but myself. In the truest spirit of the arts, I’m an artist. My dancing is an expression of myself and my body. I’m not doing it for anyone else’s approval or because I want them to notice me. I’m usually oblivious to anyone else while dancing, which is a good part of the reason why I usually enjoy teaching- it makes me pay attention. But I’m not finding rewards in teaching right now, probably mainly because my time needs to be spent doing something else. Students NEED and I have no time or patience or capacity to serve anyone else’s needs. But it’s frustrating to not be happy with something I used to hunger for.

Maybe it’s the lack of decent outlets. I really enjoy a good dance band. Al Samoud isn’t around where I am much anymore, and while I love good drumming, melody just creates so many more opportunities for choreography. And usually there’s just Allister’s crew with any decent drumming anymore. While I appreciate their drumming, and it is wonderful, with it being the only party with drumming, you get everything on the dance floor. And I do mean everything, and most of it isn’t involving dancing. I think I’m just really disappointed in the lack of any manners, respect, planning, organization, or effort put into ME dance down here anymore. While it’s good to finally have drummers, it’s like the energy put into that is sucking the life out of any party planning. We’re lucky to have rugs, there’s never any lighting or drinking water, there’s a good chance some drunk guy will go stumbling across the dance floor into the dancers, no attempts at creating an actual show or safe space to dance, and no real appreciation for the actual artsy side of things. It’s a nightclub activity now, and that’s not why I dance.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired after fighting all day, and not really keen on the attitude displayed. Folks keep telling me “Sammy, don’t teach stripper moves!”. Gee, thanks for the insult. Frankly, I can make picking up my coffee cup lavicious and lewd, but you won’t chastise me for that. Stripper moves are about attitude. If you act like a stripper, most of the time you’ll look like one, good or bad. If you’re learning to dance to pick up men and flirt, you’re most likely going to look like a stripper, and there’s not a whole lot I can teach that will change that. If you’re out there to actually dance and express yourself, then you’re not really going to look like you’re out on the prowl. And it’s rather annoying to assume that all the girls out there are out there to look sexy. I was trained by folks who tended to make dance parties a more private thing. There was an effort to create individual opportunities to dance alone or in small groups, to actually perform, to keep the nasty comments and catty attitude under control. The art was respected, and not just a spectacle of scantily clad bodies moving. There was a ritual to it, a feeling of community, a love and respect for dancers and audience that pervaded. Dancers were escorted for their safety, and looked after on the dance floor – did they need water? A place to sit? Older dancers taught newer dancers with care, and one’s choice to dance or not wasn’t questioned. This doesn’t happen anymore, at least not anywhere I’ve danced lately.

And let’s get one simple thing straight. Awards. Oh, how I hate awards, for what people think they represent. In the SCA, you get an award because someone had the follow through to write letters. And it wasn’t so outlandish that the Royals gave it to you. Sure there’s a minimum of actual effort involved on your part, but awards are and will always be a popularity contest. I danced the same 3 years ago as I do now, but no one ever said to me then “Gee Sam, why don’t you have any dance awards?” I actually taught more classes then, and was a lot more active. I actually think I was a more focused and better dancer then, but did awards rain out of the sky? No. And they won’t. It’s not that you’re better than anyone else, it’s that someone noticed what you were doing. Now, bear in mind that awards mean going to court, and I’m not fond of that either. No, I really don’t give a crap about awards. If I did, I’d be spending energy on getting some. But I’m not. My award is my law degree, my man’s smile, a good shot on the field, a satisfied smile as I go to bed each night.

So yeah, if I don’t dance, it’s because the settings I’m told to dance in are just not me. It’s like someone saying “Sing” in the middle of the sidewalk. Umm, sure, I love being your performing monkey. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that my creation deserves more than that. And I have no problem being selfish with what I create if it’s going to be treated with ridicule and apathy. I’m just not feeling the love anymore, except when I’m home alone, feeling the groove thing without any distractions.