Shovelling past the bullshit!

So, I’m pondering my post from a few days ago on MySoace regarding a friend and ex who neglected to let me know he was moving to AZ with his new girlfriend, yet pumped me for info about my current life. It amused me that this pissed me off. It does, but now that my usual lava-for-feelings have cooled a bit I can examine the topography of the situation a bit more clearly.

Why does this bug me? Well, the biggest reason has to do with the dynamics of this particular friendship. He’s had a dominant pattern in our interactions of paternalistic assumptions. In English, he assumes constantly that he knows how I feel and what’s best for me because of it. That wasn’t such an issue during the times when we actually talked regularly, as I’m open about that stuff and generally don’t have a problem communicating what’s going on. But what annoys me in this instance is that we haven’t talked for almost 7 months. He forwards me interesting crap from the Internet, but no contact, no Hi-how-you-doings, no update on life the universe and everything. So I find it entertaining that he assumes that I would be hurt by him having a new girlfriend, assumed that I would be annoyed that it’s working out, and he’s being secretive and childish about not wanting his supposed “friend” (me) to know about the situation. In fact, I wouldn't have even known about it if another friend hadn't included me on the going away party invite.

Now, I own that I’m assuming here, but that’s pretty much been the pattern on the times we’ve been just friends and dating other people. He plays the high school game of “You’re my ex, and you don’t need to know who I’m serious about, but I’ll drop you crumbs about those I’m not serious about just so you know I’m dating”. Are you tired yet from reading this crap? I am….

So I went to the obvious places and did a systems check. I poked a stick in the dark spot that was my feelings for him. Not much there. A bit of “hope he’s doing ok?”, but none of the former longing and caring that I had when I actually dated him and had any sort of return from him of my actual feelings. Good good…

I poked a stick in the cave of resentment and saw what little monsters were clinging to that stick – it was mostly the friendship issues of “why doesn’t he talk to me?”, “dumbass professes to be my friend yet never tells me anything”, and “my other friends are more giving than him”. Hmm, not doing too shabby here. So I trundled over to the accounting table and tallied up what I would lose by just dumping him out of my life. Hmm, all I get from this person is random forwarded shit via email. While past gifts of knowledge have been generous, I can use Google just fine, thanks. Hmm, downsides? Hello, I said downsides? The only things I came up with were to do with other mutual friends who will likely still talk to him. I’m a big girl, we have plenty of other things to talk about. I don’t see the downside here…Total friendship loss calculation comes out positive for the dumping. Excellent.

So yeah, while I am pissy about being treated like a little animal in the menagerie that is his feelings (he’s a scientist, if he reduces the little monsters to specimens, he can poke at them and they’re not scary), I’m done. Finis. Sayonara! Have a nice life. Say Ciao as you drive by on your little motor scooter with your new chica. But no more responses to your shitty little emails. The net sum on our interactions has been less than satisfying, and while you have a great chick magnet in that huge black hole that has engulfed your heart, I don’t need any more projects, thank you. I spent a lot of money on therapy to be able to just say no to crazy men in my life, thanks. Time to actually use some of that crap.

So yeah, not as bad as I thought it was, but whew! Took a bit of asbestos underwear and patience to sort that mess out. I'm feeling better, how about you?

Fabulous! Time for a holiday weekend. Pass the Guiness!