Settling....

Had a great conversation last night with a Dear Friend, while laying on the floor and praying for the ibuprophen to kick in. She came by for some face time, since her universe is really quite busy and sad and chaotic at the moment. Apparently she needed someone just to lean on for a bit, and I was happy to oblige. So we wandered through various topics, but really the one that got us jabbering on was the concept of "settling". You know, taking whatever comes along in the fear that nothing else WILL come along.. Most of the time it's referred to in relationships - settling for someone for their one or two good qualities while overlooking the really glaring annoyances that vastly outweigh anything good in it. Again, usually motivated by fear and low self confidence.

Now, I've been there and, after my divorce, I vowed never to be there again. Life is too short, brutish, and hard to live with someone who isn't at least pleasant to be around. So we made a pact not to settle, and to talk to each other to help have the courage to venture long enough to find some happiness. I know what I want, especially after the last year of attempted dating. And she had her list of good things to look for. Neither of us have terribly insurmountable wants, just some basics that any mature adult should have a reasonable helping of. Here's some examples:

1. Kindness - if you're regularly a shit to the people who care about you, no thanks. Simple kindness and an ability to be gentle with those around you is one of the single most attractive qualities I've seen. And lately it seems rare.
2. Capability - need to be mostly self sufficient, pay own bills, have own spending cash, working vehicle, place to live without an ex or parent figure present, and the ability to make major decisions in a reasonable manner.
3. SCA - yeah, I know. At least has to be open to the concept. Preferably a heavy fighter.
4. Confidence - have some form of life that satisfies you. Hobbies, job you like, good friends. With or without a relationship present.
5. Interest - you gotta be interested in me, right here and now. No waiting for me to move, degree to be finished, sun to rise tomorrow, etc. While logistics can be frustrating, if you're truly interested, you can at least be saying that in a clear, inequivocal manner until things are figured out. Indifference is not attractive. Willingness to wait without a commitment of some form tells me you're "settling" for me or it's some kind of stupid "test"- not attractive either.
6. Respect of a good amount of your peers - this is a funny one. Everyone I know is respected by someone. But I can tell a lot by who respects you. If you have people you need to avoid, who want to maim you in dark alleys, who just simply don't like you and aren't afraid to say so, I'm just not interested, thanks. I've had to clean up enough messes this year to know that I'm just not fond of the concept. A screw up once in a while is fine, but you need to be responsible enough to take care of it yourself and understand the consequences.
7. Responsibility - it's a basic. Take care of your own shit, responsibility for what you do, humbleness in fixing things, and pride in work well done.
8. Ability to listen and acknowledge what you're hearing - this here is the single hardest thing to find in our current society. I'm even guilty at times of not hearing what's being said to me, and immediately turning it around to be about me. When someone else is talking, it's not about you. Period. Hear what's being said, repeat if necessary, and soak it up. You don't have to agree, just hear. Extra points for considering what it means.
9. Consistency - Waffles are for breakfast. Wishy washy is not attractive. If you can't make a decision on whether you want to be with me, I can. I'm very consistent - if I'm not interested in talking to you, I'm not interested in you. It's really quite simple. Thanks for playing.
10. Patience - Waiting and seeing what happens is really the key to anything. And it's the only way you get to real trust. Speaking of which...
11. Trust - it's a doozy. I've had a rough time with it for a while now. If I trust you, I trust you wholeheartedly. I didn't think this was a hard one, just act with integrity and honesty. But apparantly it's another tough one, and I can't kinda trust you and be wth you.

There - illustrative, contemplative, gives you a good idea of the basics. No one is more important, some are dealbreakers, some aren't. And the key is that I try to be every single one of them myself. I can't ask something of someone else without living it first. Didn't say I succeeded all the time, but I do try. Anything else would be settling for someone else.