When Angels Fall...

I've moved over here for a while. MySpace is for fun, and I'm pulling out the fire hose of deep thought. Brace yourselves..

I've watched the angels falling for a few weeks now. Good folks being laid low by life and seeing their proverbial wings ripped off. Bit graphic, but you get the meaning, right? And I am one of those people who believes "why do surgury when a chainsaw will reduce follow up visits", right?

I'm meandering, let me get to the point. I love these people. Some a little, some a lot. And I'd like to welcome them to my fold - I put up a net for you plummeting angel types. Hopefully I'll catch some of you. And I'm here to tell you it's ok not to be perfect and nice and kind all the time. In fact, it's impossible. We're not built that way, and the challenge is to find ways to be dignified about the painful and rude things that are part of who we are. Pain is just the reminder that you're not just letting things be what they are.

I watched my entire office's heart break yesterday for a man who was a dilligent paladin for poor clients in my office. His spirit just up and left a few weeks ago, leaving a pile of devastated people wondering why. My world view thinks he was offered a bigger spiritual role and took the gamble to move on. But it doesn't lessen the hurt that I'm watching everyone around me pour out. And his father's pain, oy! My boss said she was a terrible boss to him yesterday, and it's the furthest thing from reality I've ever seen a grieving person say. But to see the rest of the stable of paladins just break down and weep has made this a difficult week. Even his adverasries wept for the loss of him. My inner calm bucket is empty and dry - I'll need to take care of that. But there's anger and hurt and pain all around me - none of it is anything other than appropriate. There's nothing bad about feeling the way we all do. But everyone is questioning themselves and how they feel. And I've been walkng around telling people to be kind to themselves, take it easy, take the time to feel what you're feeling and accept it for what it is. And then I get socked in the gut with everyone else and have to take my own advice. Goodbye Jesus - I'll see you with your new set of wings and a honking big sword in my time. May you continue to be the champion you were in life.

I've watched my roomies struggle with love and communication and pain caused from not connecting on either level. Luckily they got there, but it took time and patience. There is nothing wrong with wanting your champion to be your champion and publicly acknowledge it. Nothing at all. Having the strength to stand up and ask for it is, to me, simply part of your self respect needs. It's scary to risk feeling rejected if you don't get it. Especially when I know you both care so much for each other. And I'm very very happy for both of you for weathering this. It was a wonderful bit of courage.

Oh baby. I've been there.

I've been in the land of "Dear God am I doing the right thing?" If I am, why does it hurt so much? Am I a bad person for doing this? And at the time, I feel that I was a bad person, but not for the reasons I thought at the time. I was so disappointed in myself and my failures that I was seriously considering checking out. Luckily, I had someone very sweet in my life who dragged my ass to get some help. And I needed it. Not everyone does. (thank you Michael, you saved my ass. I can't thank you enough or apologize for the hurt I caused. But I can say that I'm very happy to see you happy with a wonderful, talented woman. Best wishes.)

But when you build rigid and stiff like I did, any earthquake that comes along will rock you. Kindness, patience, forgiveness are the things that make life less rigid and brittle. I had to learn about these things intimately and learn how to put them to use. Especially giving myself the room to use them on me. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself, not let the small things get me, and treat others more gently than I even do for myself.

And fighting. Battle has been my biggest learning arena lately. Learning how to do battle with grace, strength and kindness has been the biggest challenge. I joined the Orkneys to learn about brotherhood, brutality, and ferocity. I went to law school to learn grace and skill in strategy, and to fight for and earn the respect I crave in my professional life. I moved to new places to teach myself how to accept change and people in general. I've learned so very much, and yet I still feel like a novice.

So while I'm overwhelmed at the moment, and feeling less than effective, I now have a toolkit to cope. So tonight, after I pay off my sparkly bit to assuage my inner girl, I'm sitting myself down with purpose. I'm laying my soul out to dry from the tears and to fix this week's pains. Giving over the sorrow and loss to the world, and just accepting where I'm at.

And just so you know where I'm at, I'm right next to you. I can see your opponent on the line of life. I can tell you're bracing yourself and gripping your weapons a bit tighter, as you see that really big opponent line up across from you. I watch your back, and I know you're trying to watch mine as well. We've been blocking blows for each other as we can, parrying, and throwing shots when it helps. I'm here, I believe in your ability to beat this one. And my spear will be right there for whatever help I can do with it. Just accept it, dammit. :-)

And your wings do grow back. I promise.