So, there's this guy wayyyyyy up north who adores me apparently. Or at least thinks I'm pretty. Why do I know this? Because he tells me every freaking time I see him or get an email from him or whatever. And I can just hear the snarky irony that goes with this little situation.
Well, I saw him recently, after not seeing or hearing from him since last July. And the look he gave me was enough to have me running to the hills, pity any obstacles in my way. Now, it was a good look, if we weren't 2000 miles apart and he didn't have a habit of not listening to anything coming out of my mouth ever. Simply put, I'm just not interested. I've said as much to him directly. Still the damn look.
And it shocked me that I was so completely terrified by this. Weird. Strange. I can take a charge from a shield wall, but I can't handle puppy eyes? Really? I think it was more the simple fact that even me saying no to him more than once wasn't enough to keep him away. That freaks me out. That's a boundary issue, flag on the play, 10 yard penalty and I get a first down. I'm really not interested in someone who doesn't respect my wishes, and while he does listen to what I like or dislike, it mostly seems to be to find more ways to attempt to manipulate me.
And why have I not just put the cabosh on this whole situation yet? Oh hell, I've tried a few times now. How many ways can you say to someone "not interested" and if they keep coming back, is that supposed to be a good thing? I mean really, this guy is more resiliant than a bucket of silly putty. Do I really have to kick you or unleash a few of my larger, more persuasive friends here? I'm usually self sufficient girl, but I may need help on this one. That scares me too. Really, I need help to get rid of someone? Ugh, so frustrating. I am way too nice, and I so hate anything like this. But I think I need to fish my balls out and just break it to the guy that no, I'm not interested. Hell, I might just say I'm seeing someone, truthful or not.
And worst of all, am I running away because I'm terrified of a relationship in general or is it just him? I'm going with it's him, mainly because I'm getting better with the concept of dating again lately. It's not as terrifying to think someone is yet again going to have the capacity to stomp on my heart or violate my ability to trust someone again. I'm almost at the point where I would consider a bilateral treaty arrangement for going on casual dates with someone cool and laid back, with the possibility to renegotiate over time for greater unity. But woof, it was like getting punched in the stomach with all the pedastal sitting, overwhelming adoration, omigod you're pretty emanating from this guy! I've never felt becoming physically ill by someone who I do actually think is a decent guy on some levels. Pretty damn psycho on other levels, but that's where the illness came from. ANd I'm really done with the psycho guys. Insanity is repeating the same shit over and over expecting a different result. Little man, you're insane!
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