What do you do when you're too good at what you do...

It got pointed out to me last night that I am a really rational person. Really intellectual, thoughtful, analytical mind. And it's made me lose part of my emotional self, to the point where I'm not apparently expressing myself in emotions anymore, but instead I can talk in theories and facts instead of how I feel. I feel like I got kicked in the stomach today, after a night of using that glorious mind to torture myself. Beyond the immediate issue of this conversation, I was up, thinking of course, all night about what that means. A few years ago, I went to school overwhelmed with emotion. It was a very difficult time in my universe. It was comforting to bury myself in books to stop the hurt. Books don't break your heart and make you wonder why you do things like that. Well, I got so good at surfing over the surface that I don't let the emotional side out anymore apparently. I can for folks I trust - my family, my close friends. I do when I dance and I really dig into the music. But based on my ridiculous schedule, I didn't feel like I could give someone what it takes to keep a relationship alive until I got that piece of paper. But now this. And ooooh I want it. Goodness I want it.

Now, frankly, normally I can't blog this crap. I just can't. My emotional life in it's current raw state isn't something I share very openly. But this is me, and I need to deal with it. And it's way too important for me to keep in. And since expressing myself seems to be the issue, then here's my expression. I'm happy, thrilled, enchanted, intrigued, and attracted to someone. He inspires me to greater things and doesn't know he does. He makes me want to crack open the vault holding onto my heart and throw it back out there where it's vulnerable again. I hate being vulnerable, open to being hurt again, but it's the road to where I want to go. Time to pull out the flashlight and go down into those places that used to be so very happy, and yet fell into quiet. They're beautiful places, but I haven't lit the candles in wuite some time. Time to stop putting logical doors on it and forcing myself to not feed the creature for fear that it will grow into something I can't handle. I can handle it, I'm perfectly capable. I just need to learn to jump again.

So yeah. I have no idea if I can do this the way I did before. But perhaps I can find another way.