A response to a friend

Oh the joys of the depressive fun.... I find that those of us who battle the Depression monster share tips like moms share cookie recipes - you never know what flavor your monster will love. A good friend posted the above (see link) on her blog, and here's my shared bits from my similar battles...

During my counselling for depression, I too found the "one thing I like about myself" task to be a royal pain. In my usual efficient manner, I reveled in my consistent ability to make a mess of everything, lack of useful talents (I did mention this was my inner voice, right?) and the special joys of my genetic makeup which made ballet less than graceful(think hippos, a la Fantasia). Wheee, wasn't that fun thinking about all my fabulous traits??! Basically, this exercise fed into the pain, not a help. But as usual, my brain pushed it to the limit, looking for a way to take on the crappy inner talk, while acknowledging what it is. The thing I found many counselors unwilling to admit was that, even at its suckiest, there is an ounce of truth to self talk usually. It may be distorted out of proportion, but it's there. I found that I had to acknowledge that truth in order to take control of that piece in my head. Sounds simple, but it is difficult to admit to my ego that these sorts of things have some truth to them. Now to avoid the spiral, that bit of talk cannot be allowed to dwarf out the rest of what's in your head. It's about control, not changing the words.

The problem with sunnily tossing around your inner thoughts as false and untrue, is that you start to question what can be true in your head. These are usually things we've been lugging around for a while, they're ingrained like barnacles. Or they're weighed down with some huge emotional experience. This is mental baggage at its finest. It's there for a reason, however flawed, and gumming up the works like bad taffy. But it does mean that pulling them apart, seeing what spawned them, or just accepting the fact underlying it, and trying out what that acceptance feels like. Oh, the places this took me....

No, life wasn't anything like the brochure said it would be. Yes, it's a pain in the ass to be thin and in shape, and the uphill grade gets steeper the older you get. Yes, its easy to get bogged down in the minutia of life, and one day you wake up and realize you're staggeringly average. Or not. Or your raging against the machine has only gotten you running in place, acquiring scars. Sigh. Things were supposed to be, were planned different, looked closer in the rear view mirror, whatever. I concentrated on seeing, really seeing, where I was right in that moment. What I had, what I was, what I believed in right then.

As for the "writing crap" part, perhaps I'm overly harsh, but a lot of what is published is crap. At least on one level or another. I cherish my Rumi compilations for not being crap to me, but to others, Rumi poetry is toilet paper. The point of writing isn't to be "the best". It's expression. It's your words, your thoughts put to paper and shared. And while I may not believe in the worth of any one piece, that action of putting thoughts and ideas to paper is what's precious. It's my personal image I get for not going quietly into the darkness. Rage against that machine, memorialize that image from your head. That's all that it needs to be. I think many of us treat our writing like we do our children - it can accomplish so much, if only it were perfect.

To me running and writing are siblings cut from the same cloth. You don't get better at either without just doing it, and frankly, neither is normally a rip roaring good time. Writer's and runner's highs only come after you've been engaged for a bit, feeling the flow. Much like pulling your inner talk apart to find what's hidden under those rocks, the fun is in the process, finding out where it's going and how it ticks.

Perhaps I have an overly stubborn intellect (dammit, you will not dismiss me, illogical crap!) or I'm just a bit more twisted than my inner scars are, but I find that that mental journey was rather interesting once I started treating it as such. I'm not in charge all the time, but I am holding onto the reigns and driving most of the time. Or so I think... It's like dealing with large amounts of flowing water. Most of the time it goes where you expect it to. And then it doesn't. But if not, you just get wet. And you can still go dry off and try again. After a martini :-P

Wow, it's been a while...

It has been such a busy year!

My universe is changing more than the weather, and trying to stay calm through it all has been a challenge. Job has changed, my home has changed, my relationships have changed with many folks... It's all kind of a blur. But hopefully starting to slow down so i can settle into something of a routine.

Anyone who says that the routine is bad is nuts! The problem with a routine comes in when you get stuck in it, can't get out of it, and you're stuck in a rut. For the moment though, I'm simply trying to build something of a routine that is beneficial to my universe. Therein lies the key, I think. When I was good about my routines - working out, eating right, getting things done productively at work, etc., it was easier to get the things done that needed to happen. I was healthier and generally happier. And since my universe does change a lot, there's only a few points in my life that I can point to and say "there's an old, not so beneficial routine". But for the most part, the structure is good for me.

Trying to focus on the positive there, and just take everything as it comes.

Charity

Related to my WoW addiction, but I think it's a worthy charity. I've long ben a proponant of the good things that come from video games:

http://www.brigwyn.com/2009/04/childrens-week-childs-play-charity-auction-update/

Read, give, enjoy!

Forever young

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's (of Whelan's and Madam) tombstone she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).

3. Keep learning: Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with that person.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you. Lost time can never be found. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

12. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Spending and Materialism

http://moneyandvalues.blogspot.com/2008/01/battling-roots-of-materialism-by.html
In this little gem, the writer makes a link between materialism and low self esteem. So I considered it for a moment, and lo and behold, for me, it's correct. Track when I blew my budget out of the water, and low self esteem was right there making the universe ache for me. Now its probably not 100%, and I don't think spending is a cause of my low self esteem. But it's a pretty good indicator of how I feel.

What did we do before the internet? I have so much good reading material on the web these days!

Thoughts for a new new year.

My apologies, it's been a while since I've felt I need to blog over here.

Well, I've graduated from law school. My immediate reaction is "Now what?"

And I have no real answer. I have lots of ideas, but first things first. I need a basic job that will pay my bills. That's got to be the first priority, as my job runs out at the end of this month. Somehow, I'll find something.

Then, we'll see. I'm still contemplating Vegas, mainly because of its better job market and cheaper living. But in order to get there, I need money. I see a trend here.

And beyond that, I have faith that things will work out. But in the meantime, I'd love some stability in my universe. I crave it like I sometimes crave ice cream. A regular paycheck that covers all my bills sounds like heaven. And I haven't heard anything about my loans yet, so I'm a bit terrified about those, too.

I'd like to practice as an attorney. Then again I know me, and if I got a sexy satisfying job, I'd want to stay put for a while. Still planning on the July Bar somewhere, but I have another month to contemplate that and save some cash so I can pay the fees.

And yeah, I'm terrified about the amount of money I need to come up with over the next few months. It's huge, and I very well might have to wait a full year for next February's Bar exam, simply because I can't afford it.

Yes, I still want to kick my family because they're not helpful in the slightest.

How not to shop..

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/12/oh-shopping-is-terrific.html

I so agree with her, I can't stand holiday shopping guilt trip advertising...

(please disregard her ads for retreats - unless of course you want to go)

My favorite new blog from someone I don't know..

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/top-ten-stupid-drugs/

Just one post and I'm hooked!

Brilliant!

It amuses me that I was nodding my ehad all through the beginning of this post..

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/11/when-did-we-stop-enjoying-holidays.html

Reality Check

I'm sure some folks would be horrified by this statement. For me, it means an accomplishment and general acquisition of a goal.

I'm almost down to my goal debt of being under $90k in debt when I graduate school, including all incidental debt, such as car loans and credit cards.

Go me! This could have been really ugly, and it could have been lower I'm sure. But sti8cking to a reasonable goal is an admirable thing :-)

And Trust, while I'm at it. On the very personal level...

Yup, that T-word. Haven't been a big fan lately, I've been doling it out sparingly. Why? Because I used to trust as the default and get disappointed a lot. I assumed people had a general level of basic social respect for people and their boundaries when in social situations. You know what I mean, it's called manners, tact, social grace. That basic "social grease" that gets us through most situations.

Perhaps it's because I'm from the NorthEast, where having a bit of room between people is an accepted social need. You don't assume you know anyone because you met them once, hung out for an hour, shared a drink, read their blog, whatever. You take your interaction with them as one bit of time spent for what it is - a brief look at that person in that moment. Give them room to show you who they are instead of cramming them into whatever social label you think fits. Give them a chance to actually get to know what's underneath instead of assuming that they're just and therefore shallow as a Phoenix rain puddle...

Now, there's something to be said for hitting it off with someone. Someone who just gets under your skin in a good way. You talk forever easily, relate, connect, and just grok each other. Usually it's just a pile of shared values and ways of expressing things. It's been a while, but yeah, when it's just that kind of thing, it's a huge relief. Someone who just connects with you, who you trust, who just gets it. I've got a bunch of those people in my life. One brand new person who knocks my socks off completely. Some folks earned it through action, some just showed up and surprised the hell out of me. Some folks have lost that, but still stay on my good people list. But I have to say that it is a huge relief to have these people in my life.

It's good to trust. I need to repeat that to myself. No chick is an island, or something like that. Battles are easier if you're not your own, one person army. And parties are more fun with others to attend. It's sooo tempting for me, lone wolf that I've been becoming, to wall up and hide out and wait to see if the weather will pass. It won't, it never does. Shit flies, despite all laws of physics. Monkeys like to throw it. Better to have people you trust to help in the shitstorm and shovel out when you get a break. Breathe, accept, relax. And trust...

Deep thoughts

I was attempting to write up my graduation party invite today and had to somehow describe how terribly grateful I am to all the people who've supported me through my degree. There's a LOT of people! And it got me thinking about people in my life - who's in, who's out, and how the heck I got rather distinct on who I want to spend time with.

I started school right after a nasty break up. No way to sugar coat that one. It was ugly, messy, and left scars. I hadn't been cheated on before, and not thrilled about repeating that experience. And I had enough proof to not want to have to worry about it anymore. But it made me cynical, angry and generally depressed about people in general. Not terribly fair, as I had and still have some fantastic friends who helped me through it all. But I was hurting, and didn't have my usual amount of free mental time to process things. And it's not something you just gloss over and move on. I tried to move on, but it took me quite a while to mostly get over it.

But I'm definitely once bitten, twice shy. My guard is still up, especially with the social foo that exploded for the following 2 years. Sheesh, people, get a grip! Just when I thought the biggest issue in my universe was whether to date or not, the SCA Drama LLama kicked me in the head repeatedly. A lot of you were right there with me and getting your own pain and suffering to match mine. We circled the wagons and tried to keep our dignity. Not easy when you're dragged through shit and forced to look at everyone cross eyed to see whose side they think they're on. Sure, common enemies can be motivation for a united front. Or it can create a shitty high school atmosphere of he said, she said, where no one is safe from the social lions and everyone enjoys seeing people dragged down and proven fallible. Hooray for the lynch mob, and don't ever pretend any one of us was safe. I truly feel sorry for everyone in that situation, even the ones I personally despise. I can feel sorry, forgive, but still not want a damn thing to do with you. Sure, it's fun to throw fuel on the gossip fires, but don't blame me when it burns you, too.

What did I learn?

1. It's ok not to like people, just make sure everyone knows where your boundaries are. It's ok to have boundaries, and some people fear people with strong boundaries.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to be polite in crappy situations and to tell the truth, the whole truth, and *ahem* nothing beyond the truth. Saying things judiciously is a virtue. Not being politically correct can save a sinking ship. Know when it's virtue v. a dying horse that's been beaten into hamburger.
3. Check sources before making grand gestures. Grand gestures bite you in the butt more often than quiet ones.
4. Never mess with the stealth bards - the story tellers, singers, well respected social butterflys. They are listened to more than the hoity toity, mainly because they genuinely like talking to people.
5. Pay attention to who is friends with whom, and more importantly, who talks to whom. Talking does not equal friendship, don't fool yourself. Some people equate people listening to them talk with power.
6. Being no one is not the same as being powerless. There's a lot of powerful nobodys around here, simply because they are good, fun people.
7. Sex is a huge motivator, almost as tasty as revenge and perceived power.
8. Better to stick with the friends who have your back than the ones who have lots of people's backs. No conflicts on who to save when the ship goes down with all hands aboard.
9. Being safe is better than being respected, given that crappy choice.
10. You just have to back up what you say with what you do. Really.
11. If you're not visible and active, no one cares what you think. Really. The social herd has about a 5 minute memory and attention span.
12. Sometimes it's better to retreat and get out of the fray than to attempt to fight.
13. Most social fighting has the consistency of Jello - you can't nail it to the wall, clean it up, or make it hold any consistent shape. But everyone has room for Jello.

So yeah. Somehow I kept friends, somehow got more, and still manage to trust people. Yay for human resiliency! Really quite an amazing critter.

So yes, lots of you are getting the invitation. Bug me if I forget you. I'm still human.

Tralalalala.. Yay for Southwest and gaining perspective.

So, now I'm in Vegas for my birthday weekend. Life is fabulous!

Wildfires: Still no one dreadfully harmed, other than a lot of folks reeling from the crappy air quality. And I even heard that Potrero park seems to have survived somehow, despite a lot of the homes around it going up. I swear that park has its own force field...

Internship: Going well, despite two weeks of illness followed by a week of office-wide mourning for our lost attorney, followed by this week of constant stress for me keeping track of my peeps in SD not on fire. Let's hope they still love me on Monday.

Birthday: Rocked, despite a rather calm celebration. No overwhelming need to make an ass out of myself through alcohol this year. I'll save that for graduation :-) Or not. But I can't think of a batter way to celebrate than in my honey's arms, after a buffet dinner and harrassing Southwest into getting me here 3 hours earlier than expected. And a lovely beer in the airport bar discussing real estate with the other airport barflies. Bliss! Happy 34 to me!

Bar exam: I haven't even started studying for it and I think it sucks. I hates it, Mr. Frodo, I hates it! That being said, I'm picking my terrain carefully to assault this monster. I have officially decided to ruin my summer by taking the July Bar instead. But at least I get to enjoy Black Thursday (aka. Valentine's Day) without the insanity of a looming Bar this year. And go to Estrella. And maybe fight, but we'll see. And I'll make time for M's wedding. All will be well...

State of mind: Damn, the healing from exhaustion goes on and on. I can't work out for more than 45 minutes without my immune system losing out to a virus. Hence the 2 weeks of being sick earlier this month. And given the opportunity, I could sleep at any point in the day for 2-4 hours unless I've had coffee. Wow. Yeah, I don't recommend anyone going through that much social, school, and employment stress all in 2 constant years if you can possibly avoid it. I'll be over here taking supplements, sleeping regularly, and trying to get workouts back up to a reasonable level and number of days per week again.

Creative: Cranked out Roman tunics this week, thanks to eBay. Have Jedi robes and a pile of SCA sewing on deck. 3 more inkle projects on tap, and one with a diamond pick up pattern that finally makes sense to me. We'll see if it sucks :-)

Go be kind to yourself and others.

Trim!

Here's the latest batch of trim sent of to largesse land.

Mostly cotton, some with handspun wool and linen (the yellow one).

The brown and blue and white matching ones are wool and cotton.

When Angels Fall...

I've moved over here for a while. MySpace is for fun, and I'm pulling out the fire hose of deep thought. Brace yourselves..

I've watched the angels falling for a few weeks now. Good folks being laid low by life and seeing their proverbial wings ripped off. Bit graphic, but you get the meaning, right? And I am one of those people who believes "why do surgury when a chainsaw will reduce follow up visits", right?

I'm meandering, let me get to the point. I love these people. Some a little, some a lot. And I'd like to welcome them to my fold - I put up a net for you plummeting angel types. Hopefully I'll catch some of you. And I'm here to tell you it's ok not to be perfect and nice and kind all the time. In fact, it's impossible. We're not built that way, and the challenge is to find ways to be dignified about the painful and rude things that are part of who we are. Pain is just the reminder that you're not just letting things be what they are.

I watched my entire office's heart break yesterday for a man who was a dilligent paladin for poor clients in my office. His spirit just up and left a few weeks ago, leaving a pile of devastated people wondering why. My world view thinks he was offered a bigger spiritual role and took the gamble to move on. But it doesn't lessen the hurt that I'm watching everyone around me pour out. And his father's pain, oy! My boss said she was a terrible boss to him yesterday, and it's the furthest thing from reality I've ever seen a grieving person say. But to see the rest of the stable of paladins just break down and weep has made this a difficult week. Even his adverasries wept for the loss of him. My inner calm bucket is empty and dry - I'll need to take care of that. But there's anger and hurt and pain all around me - none of it is anything other than appropriate. There's nothing bad about feeling the way we all do. But everyone is questioning themselves and how they feel. And I've been walkng around telling people to be kind to themselves, take it easy, take the time to feel what you're feeling and accept it for what it is. And then I get socked in the gut with everyone else and have to take my own advice. Goodbye Jesus - I'll see you with your new set of wings and a honking big sword in my time. May you continue to be the champion you were in life.

I've watched my roomies struggle with love and communication and pain caused from not connecting on either level. Luckily they got there, but it took time and patience. There is nothing wrong with wanting your champion to be your champion and publicly acknowledge it. Nothing at all. Having the strength to stand up and ask for it is, to me, simply part of your self respect needs. It's scary to risk feeling rejected if you don't get it. Especially when I know you both care so much for each other. And I'm very very happy for both of you for weathering this. It was a wonderful bit of courage.

Oh baby. I've been there.

I've been in the land of "Dear God am I doing the right thing?" If I am, why does it hurt so much? Am I a bad person for doing this? And at the time, I feel that I was a bad person, but not for the reasons I thought at the time. I was so disappointed in myself and my failures that I was seriously considering checking out. Luckily, I had someone very sweet in my life who dragged my ass to get some help. And I needed it. Not everyone does. (thank you Michael, you saved my ass. I can't thank you enough or apologize for the hurt I caused. But I can say that I'm very happy to see you happy with a wonderful, talented woman. Best wishes.)

But when you build rigid and stiff like I did, any earthquake that comes along will rock you. Kindness, patience, forgiveness are the things that make life less rigid and brittle. I had to learn about these things intimately and learn how to put them to use. Especially giving myself the room to use them on me. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself, not let the small things get me, and treat others more gently than I even do for myself.

And fighting. Battle has been my biggest learning arena lately. Learning how to do battle with grace, strength and kindness has been the biggest challenge. I joined the Orkneys to learn about brotherhood, brutality, and ferocity. I went to law school to learn grace and skill in strategy, and to fight for and earn the respect I crave in my professional life. I moved to new places to teach myself how to accept change and people in general. I've learned so very much, and yet I still feel like a novice.

So while I'm overwhelmed at the moment, and feeling less than effective, I now have a toolkit to cope. So tonight, after I pay off my sparkly bit to assuage my inner girl, I'm sitting myself down with purpose. I'm laying my soul out to dry from the tears and to fix this week's pains. Giving over the sorrow and loss to the world, and just accepting where I'm at.

And just so you know where I'm at, I'm right next to you. I can see your opponent on the line of life. I can tell you're bracing yourself and gripping your weapons a bit tighter, as you see that really big opponent line up across from you. I watch your back, and I know you're trying to watch mine as well. We've been blocking blows for each other as we can, parrying, and throwing shots when it helps. I'm here, I believe in your ability to beat this one. And my spear will be right there for whatever help I can do with it. Just accept it, dammit. :-)

And your wings do grow back. I promise.

Your own worst enemy....

http://attack-laurel.livejournal.com/45410.html
I adore this woman, and I dont' know her. But she writes terribly well, and nails the slippery crap right to the wall with an authentic Elizabethan nail. Go read it.

Snort, I *heart* this woman

http://www.extremecostuming.com/attacklaurel/newrules.html

And I'm back...

Yes, I know, it's been a while. I had a break in my usual brain dump to exclusively hit MySpace for a bit. I'm better now, branching my thoughts back out to all the participating franchises. If you nderstand what I just typed in that last sentance, let me know. Oy, moving on...

Had a lovely realization last night. I'm well adjusted. Self accepting. Stable and relatively positive to my fellow women. What brought this on? I have a wonderful friend, who has just lost boatloads of weight. She (I'm sure) looks fantastic! And not only am I not the sligthest bit jealous, but I'm really proud of her. Sure, it did remind me that the gym is a good happy place for me, and it did get me going again. But no competition, no stupidity, no usual woman-crap. Not bad eh?

We talked last night as she's in the mall attempting to find what clothing fits her new bod. I can relate, as clothing shopping is not a fun thing to me. Dental work is higher on the fun things list, as I understand the need for good teeth in my genearl happiness plan. So I'm giving her suggestions and realizing that she's truly my size or smaller now, and I'm just happy for her. No anxiety, yay! Go me with the uber supportive and I'm not even lying train of thought :-)

Now, dont' get me wrong, I'd like to tone up and all that usual jazz. But I don't feel like her accomplishment is anything but her accomplishment. I accept that I'm not as small as I'd like to be at the moment, but i'm still damn cute. And I have a hot man telling me so on a regular basis. I have actually dropped a few pounds since I moved up here, but nothing dramatic. I also gained a few. It's a trade off.

But I'm really, truly happy with my body. Only took 33.99 years, eh?

I'm Baaaaack!

Made it back - very long flight, and some sleep helped immensely. I have some serious catching up to do on the China blog - Internet was weird in China.

More later, just glad to be home.

Whew! Hold on for the ride, eh?

So, I'm almost there. Finishing work today (I'll miss my peeps), started packing things, and generally getting organized. Have to stop off at WalMart and stock up the kitties for J, who's staying at my place while i'm gone. Finished exams last night too. Thank goodness that's over...

Few more projects to finish and finish packing, hit a bunch of social stuff over the next few days, and wheee! I'm off!

This is all rather surreal. I've planned this for the past year, worked my butt off to get the cash together, worked the admin to get my degree in order, went to classes did homework, wrapped up my job and finally, finally it's here. And it's weird. Anticipation, it gets me every time.

So I'm just trying to relax, stay in the minute and enjoy my last few moments of this part of my existance. And then it's time to shake it all up, change things for a bit and travel for a bit. Pack all myy stuff up and move to another state yet again. Nomadic life, it's fabulous! Just in time to avoid the allergy season reving up down here..

So yeah, a bit terrified, a bit excited and a lot relieved.