A response to a friend

Oh the joys of the depressive fun.... I find that those of us who battle the Depression monster share tips like moms share cookie recipes - you never know what flavor your monster will love. A good friend posted the above (see link) on her blog, and here's my shared bits from my similar battles...

During my counselling for depression, I too found the "one thing I like about myself" task to be a royal pain. In my usual efficient manner, I reveled in my consistent ability to make a mess of everything, lack of useful talents (I did mention this was my inner voice, right?) and the special joys of my genetic makeup which made ballet less than graceful(think hippos, a la Fantasia). Wheee, wasn't that fun thinking about all my fabulous traits??! Basically, this exercise fed into the pain, not a help. But as usual, my brain pushed it to the limit, looking for a way to take on the crappy inner talk, while acknowledging what it is. The thing I found many counselors unwilling to admit was that, even at its suckiest, there is an ounce of truth to self talk usually. It may be distorted out of proportion, but it's there. I found that I had to acknowledge that truth in order to take control of that piece in my head. Sounds simple, but it is difficult to admit to my ego that these sorts of things have some truth to them. Now to avoid the spiral, that bit of talk cannot be allowed to dwarf out the rest of what's in your head. It's about control, not changing the words.

The problem with sunnily tossing around your inner thoughts as false and untrue, is that you start to question what can be true in your head. These are usually things we've been lugging around for a while, they're ingrained like barnacles. Or they're weighed down with some huge emotional experience. This is mental baggage at its finest. It's there for a reason, however flawed, and gumming up the works like bad taffy. But it does mean that pulling them apart, seeing what spawned them, or just accepting the fact underlying it, and trying out what that acceptance feels like. Oh, the places this took me....

No, life wasn't anything like the brochure said it would be. Yes, it's a pain in the ass to be thin and in shape, and the uphill grade gets steeper the older you get. Yes, its easy to get bogged down in the minutia of life, and one day you wake up and realize you're staggeringly average. Or not. Or your raging against the machine has only gotten you running in place, acquiring scars. Sigh. Things were supposed to be, were planned different, looked closer in the rear view mirror, whatever. I concentrated on seeing, really seeing, where I was right in that moment. What I had, what I was, what I believed in right then.

As for the "writing crap" part, perhaps I'm overly harsh, but a lot of what is published is crap. At least on one level or another. I cherish my Rumi compilations for not being crap to me, but to others, Rumi poetry is toilet paper. The point of writing isn't to be "the best". It's expression. It's your words, your thoughts put to paper and shared. And while I may not believe in the worth of any one piece, that action of putting thoughts and ideas to paper is what's precious. It's my personal image I get for not going quietly into the darkness. Rage against that machine, memorialize that image from your head. That's all that it needs to be. I think many of us treat our writing like we do our children - it can accomplish so much, if only it were perfect.

To me running and writing are siblings cut from the same cloth. You don't get better at either without just doing it, and frankly, neither is normally a rip roaring good time. Writer's and runner's highs only come after you've been engaged for a bit, feeling the flow. Much like pulling your inner talk apart to find what's hidden under those rocks, the fun is in the process, finding out where it's going and how it ticks.

Perhaps I have an overly stubborn intellect (dammit, you will not dismiss me, illogical crap!) or I'm just a bit more twisted than my inner scars are, but I find that that mental journey was rather interesting once I started treating it as such. I'm not in charge all the time, but I am holding onto the reigns and driving most of the time. Or so I think... It's like dealing with large amounts of flowing water. Most of the time it goes where you expect it to. And then it doesn't. But if not, you just get wet. And you can still go dry off and try again. After a martini :-P

Wow, it's been a while...

It has been such a busy year!

My universe is changing more than the weather, and trying to stay calm through it all has been a challenge. Job has changed, my home has changed, my relationships have changed with many folks... It's all kind of a blur. But hopefully starting to slow down so i can settle into something of a routine.

Anyone who says that the routine is bad is nuts! The problem with a routine comes in when you get stuck in it, can't get out of it, and you're stuck in a rut. For the moment though, I'm simply trying to build something of a routine that is beneficial to my universe. Therein lies the key, I think. When I was good about my routines - working out, eating right, getting things done productively at work, etc., it was easier to get the things done that needed to happen. I was healthier and generally happier. And since my universe does change a lot, there's only a few points in my life that I can point to and say "there's an old, not so beneficial routine". But for the most part, the structure is good for me.

Trying to focus on the positive there, and just take everything as it comes.

Charity

Related to my WoW addiction, but I think it's a worthy charity. I've long ben a proponant of the good things that come from video games:

http://www.brigwyn.com/2009/04/childrens-week-childs-play-charity-auction-update/

Read, give, enjoy!

Forever young

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's (of Whelan's and Madam) tombstone she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).

3. Keep learning: Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with that person.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you. Lost time can never be found. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

12. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Spending and Materialism

http://moneyandvalues.blogspot.com/2008/01/battling-roots-of-materialism-by.html
In this little gem, the writer makes a link between materialism and low self esteem. So I considered it for a moment, and lo and behold, for me, it's correct. Track when I blew my budget out of the water, and low self esteem was right there making the universe ache for me. Now its probably not 100%, and I don't think spending is a cause of my low self esteem. But it's a pretty good indicator of how I feel.

What did we do before the internet? I have so much good reading material on the web these days!

Thoughts for a new new year.

My apologies, it's been a while since I've felt I need to blog over here.

Well, I've graduated from law school. My immediate reaction is "Now what?"

And I have no real answer. I have lots of ideas, but first things first. I need a basic job that will pay my bills. That's got to be the first priority, as my job runs out at the end of this month. Somehow, I'll find something.

Then, we'll see. I'm still contemplating Vegas, mainly because of its better job market and cheaper living. But in order to get there, I need money. I see a trend here.

And beyond that, I have faith that things will work out. But in the meantime, I'd love some stability in my universe. I crave it like I sometimes crave ice cream. A regular paycheck that covers all my bills sounds like heaven. And I haven't heard anything about my loans yet, so I'm a bit terrified about those, too.

I'd like to practice as an attorney. Then again I know me, and if I got a sexy satisfying job, I'd want to stay put for a while. Still planning on the July Bar somewhere, but I have another month to contemplate that and save some cash so I can pay the fees.

And yeah, I'm terrified about the amount of money I need to come up with over the next few months. It's huge, and I very well might have to wait a full year for next February's Bar exam, simply because I can't afford it.

Yes, I still want to kick my family because they're not helpful in the slightest.

How not to shop..

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/12/oh-shopping-is-terrific.html

I so agree with her, I can't stand holiday shopping guilt trip advertising...

(please disregard her ads for retreats - unless of course you want to go)