Sambalaya

A response to a friend

2010-03-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Oh the joys of the depressive fun.... I find that those of us who battle the Depression monster share tips like moms share cookie recipes - you never know what flavor your monster will love. A good friend posted the above (see link) on her blog, and here's my shared bits from my similar battles...

During my counselling for depression, I too found the "one thing I like about myself" task to be a royal pain. In my usual efficient manner, I reveled in my consistent ability to make a mess of everything, lack of useful talents (I did mention this was my inner voice, right?) and the special joys of my genetic makeup which made ballet less than graceful(think hippos, a la Fantasia). Wheee, wasn't that fun thinking about all my fabulous traits??! Basically, this exercise fed into the pain, not a help. But as usual, my brain pushed it to the limit, looking for a way to take on the crappy inner talk, while acknowledging what it is. The thing I found many counselors unwilling to admit was that, even at its suckiest, there is an ounce of truth to self talk usually. It may be distorted out of proportion, but it's there. I found that I had to acknowledge that truth in order to take control of that piece in my head. Sounds simple, but it is difficult to admit to my ego that these sorts of things have some truth to them. Now to avoid the spiral, that bit of talk cannot be allowed to dwarf out the rest of what's in your head. It's about control, not changing the words.

The problem with sunnily tossing around your inner thoughts as false and untrue, is that you start to question what can be true in your head. These are usually things we've been lugging around for a while, they're ingrained like barnacles. Or they're weighed down with some huge emotional experience. This is mental baggage at its finest. It's there for a reason, however flawed, and gumming up the works like bad taffy. But it does mean that pulling them apart, seeing what spawned them, or just accepting the fact underlying it, and trying out what that acceptance feels like. Oh, the places this took me....

No, life wasn't anything like the brochure said it would be. Yes, it's a pain in the ass to be thin and in shape, and the uphill grade gets steeper the older you get. Yes, its easy to get bogged down in the minutia of life, and one day you wake up and realize you're staggeringly average. Or not. Or your raging against the machine has only gotten you running in place, acquiring scars. Sigh. Things were supposed to be, were planned different, looked closer in the rear view mirror, whatever. I concentrated on seeing, really seeing, where I was right in that moment. What I had, what I was, what I believed in right then.

As for the "writing crap" part, perhaps I'm overly harsh, but a lot of what is published is crap. At least on one level or another. I cherish my Rumi compilations for not being crap to me, but to others, Rumi poetry is toilet paper. The point of writing isn't to be "the best". It's expression. It's your words, your thoughts put to paper and shared. And while I may not believe in the worth of any one piece, that action of putting thoughts and ideas to paper is what's precious. It's my personal image I get for not going quietly into the darkness. Rage against that machine, memorialize that image from your head. That's all that it needs to be. I think many of us treat our writing like we do our children - it can accomplish so much, if only it were perfect.

To me running and writing are siblings cut from the same cloth. You don't get better at either without just doing it, and frankly, neither is normally a rip roaring good time. Writer's and runner's highs only come after you've been engaged for a bit, feeling the flow. Much like pulling your inner talk apart to find what's hidden under those rocks, the fun is in the process, finding out where it's going and how it ticks.

Perhaps I have an overly stubborn intellect (dammit, you will not dismiss me, illogical crap!) or I'm just a bit more twisted than my inner scars are, but I find that that mental journey was rather interesting once I started treating it as such. I'm not in charge all the time, but I am holding onto the reigns and driving most of the time. Or so I think... It's like dealing with large amounts of flowing water. Most of the time it goes where you expect it to. And then it doesn't. But if not, you just get wet. And you can still go dry off and try again. After a martini :-P

Wow, it's been a while...

2009-09-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

It has been such a busy year!

My universe is changing more than the weather, and trying to stay calm through it all has been a challenge. Job has changed, my home has changed, my relationships have changed with many folks... It's all kind of a blur. But hopefully starting to slow down so i can settle into something of a routine.

Anyone who says that the routine is bad is nuts! The problem with a routine comes in when you get stuck in it, can't get out of it, and you're stuck in a rut. For the moment though, I'm simply trying to build something of a routine that is beneficial to my universe. Therein lies the key, I think. When I was good about my routines - working out, eating right, getting things done productively at work, etc., it was easier to get the things done that needed to happen. I was healthier and generally happier. And since my universe does change a lot, there's only a few points in my life that I can point to and say "there's an old, not so beneficial routine". But for the most part, the structure is good for me.

Trying to focus on the positive there, and just take everything as it comes.

Charity

2009-04-23T15:58:00.001-07:00

Related to my WoW addiction, but I think it's a worthy charity. I've long ben a proponant of the good things that come from video games:

http://www.brigwyn.com/2009/04/childrens-week-childs-play-charity-auction-update/

Read, give, enjoy!

Forever young

2008-01-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's (of Whelan's and Madam) tombstone she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).

3. Keep learning: Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with that person.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you. Lost time can never be found. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

12. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Spending and Materialism

2008-01-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

http://moneyandvalues.blogspot.com/2008/01/battling-roots-of-materialism-by.html
In this little gem, the writer makes a link between materialism and low self esteem. So I considered it for a moment, and lo and behold, for me, it's correct. Track when I blew my budget out of the water, and low self esteem was right there making the universe ache for me. Now its probably not 100%, and I don't think spending is a cause of my low self esteem. But it's a pretty good indicator of how I feel.

What did we do before the internet? I have so much good reading material on the web these days!

Thoughts for a new new year.

2008-01-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

My apologies, it's been a while since I've felt I need to blog over here.

Well, I've graduated from law school. My immediate reaction is "Now what?"

And I have no real answer. I have lots of ideas, but first things first. I need a basic job that will pay my bills. That's got to be the first priority, as my job runs out at the end of this month. Somehow, I'll find something.

Then, we'll see. I'm still contemplating Vegas, mainly because of its better job market and cheaper living. But in order to get there, I need money. I see a trend here.

And beyond that, I have faith that things will work out. But in the meantime, I'd love some stability in my universe. I crave it like I sometimes crave ice cream. A regular paycheck that covers all my bills sounds like heaven. And I haven't heard anything about my loans yet, so I'm a bit terrified about those, too.

I'd like to practice as an attorney. Then again I know me, and if I got a sexy satisfying job, I'd want to stay put for a while. Still planning on the July Bar somewhere, but I have another month to contemplate that and save some cash so I can pay the fees.

And yeah, I'm terrified about the amount of money I need to come up with over the next few months. It's huge, and I very well might have to wait a full year for next February's Bar exam, simply because I can't afford it.

Yes, I still want to kick my family because they're not helpful in the slightest.

How not to shop..

2007-12-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/12/oh-shopping-is-terrific.html

I so agree with her, I can't stand holiday shopping guilt trip advertising...

(please disregard her ads for retreats - unless of course you want to go)

My favorite new blog from someone I don't know..

2007-12-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/top-ten-stupid-drugs/

Just one post and I'm hooked!

Brilliant!

2007-11-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

It amuses me that I was nodding my ehad all through the beginning of this post..

http://fairygodmothersdailymusings.blogspot.com/2007/11/when-did-we-stop-enjoying-holidays.html

Reality Check

2007-11-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sure some folks would be horrified by this statement. For me, it means an accomplishment and general acquisition of a goal.

I'm almost down to my goal debt of being under $90k in debt when I graduate school, including all incidental debt, such as car loans and credit cards.

Go me! This could have been really ugly, and it could have been lower I'm sure. But sti8cking to a reasonable goal is an admirable thing :-)

And Trust, while I'm at it. On the very personal level...

2007-11-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yup, that T-word. Haven't been a big fan lately, I've been doling it out sparingly. Why? Because I used to trust as the default and get disappointed a lot. I assumed people had a general level of basic social respect for people and their boundaries when in social situations. You know what I mean, it's called manners, tact, social grace. That basic "social grease" that gets us through most situations.

Perhaps it's because I'm from the NorthEast, where having a bit of room between people is an accepted social need. You don't assume you know anyone because you met them once, hung out for an hour, shared a drink, read their blog, whatever. You take your interaction with them as one bit of time spent for what it is - a brief look at that person in that moment. Give them room to show you who they are instead of cramming them into whatever social label you think fits. Give them a chance to actually get to know what's underneath instead of assuming that they're just and therefore shallow as a Phoenix rain puddle...

Now, there's something to be said for hitting it off with someone. Someone who just gets under your skin in a good way. You talk forever easily, relate, connect, and just grok each other. Usually it's just a pile of shared values and ways of expressing things. It's been a while, but yeah, when it's just that kind of thing, it's a huge relief. Someone who just connects with you, who you trust, who just gets it. I've got a bunch of those people in my life. One brand new person who knocks my socks off completely. Some folks earned it through action, some just showed up and surprised the hell out of me. Some folks have lost that, but still stay on my good people list. But I have to say that it is a huge relief to have these people in my life.

It's good to trust. I need to repeat that to myself. No chick is an island, or something like that. Battles are easier if you're not your own, one person army. And parties are more fun with others to attend. It's sooo tempting for me, lone wolf that I've been becoming, to wall up and hide out and wait to see if the weather will pass. It won't, it never does. Shit flies, despite all laws of physics. Monkeys like to throw it. Better to have people you trust to help in the shitstorm and shovel out when you get a break. Breathe, accept, relax. And trust...

Deep thoughts

2007-11-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

I was attempting to write up my graduation party invite today and had to somehow describe how terribly grateful I am to all the people who've supported me through my degree. There's a LOT of people! And it got me thinking about people in my life - who's in, who's out, and how the heck I got rather distinct on who I want to spend time with.

I started school right after a nasty break up. No way to sugar coat that one. It was ugly, messy, and left scars. I hadn't been cheated on before, and not thrilled about repeating that experience. And I had enough proof to not want to have to worry about it anymore. But it made me cynical, angry and generally depressed about people in general. Not terribly fair, as I had and still have some fantastic friends who helped me through it all. But I was hurting, and didn't have my usual amount of free mental time to process things. And it's not something you just gloss over and move on. I tried to move on, but it took me quite a while to mostly get over it.

But I'm definitely once bitten, twice shy. My guard is still up, especially with the social foo that exploded for the following 2 years. Sheesh, people, get a grip! Just when I thought the biggest issue in my universe was whether to date or not, the SCA Drama LLama kicked me in the head repeatedly. A lot of you were right there with me and getting your own pain and suffering to match mine. We circled the wagons and tried to keep our dignity. Not easy when you're dragged through shit and forced to look at everyone cross eyed to see whose side they think they're on. Sure, common enemies can be motivation for a united front. Or it can create a shitty high school atmosphere of he said, she said, where no one is safe from the social lions and everyone enjoys seeing people dragged down and proven fallible. Hooray for the lynch mob, and don't ever pretend any one of us was safe. I truly feel sorry for everyone in that situation, even the ones I personally despise. I can feel sorry, forgive, but still not want a damn thing to do with you. Sure, it's fun to throw fuel on the gossip fires, but don't blame me when it burns you, too.

What did I learn?

It's ok not to like people, just make sure everyone knows where your boundaries are. It's ok to have boundaries, and some people fear people with strong boundaries.
It's perfectly acceptable to be polite in crappy situations and to tell the truth, the whole truth, and *ahem* nothing beyond the truth. Saying things judiciously is a virtue. Not being politically correct can save a sinking ship. Know when it's virtue v. a dying horse that's been beaten into hamburger.
Check sources before making grand gestures. Grand gestures bite you in the butt more often than quiet ones.
Never mess with the stealth bards - the story tellers, singers, well respected social butterflys. They are listened to more than the hoity toity, mainly because they genuinely like talking to people.
Pay attention to who is friends with whom, and more importantly, who talks to whom. Talking does not equal friendship, don't fool yourself. Some people equate people listening to them talk with power.
Being no one is not the same as being powerless. There's a lot of powerful nobodys around here, simply because they are good, fun people.
Sex is a huge motivator, almost as tasty as revenge and perceived power.
Better to stick with the friends who have your back than the ones who have lots of people's backs. No conflicts on who to save when the ship goes down with all hands aboard.
Being safe is better than being respected, given that crappy choice.
You just have to back up what you say with what you do. Really.
If you're not visible and active, no one cares what you think. Really. The social herd has about a 5 minute memory and attention span.
Sometimes it's better to retreat and get out of the fray than to attempt to fight.
Most social fighting has the consistency of Jello - you can't nail it to the wall, clean it up, or make it hold any consistent shape. But everyone has room for Jello.

So yeah. Somehow I kept friends, somehow got more, and still manage to trust people. Yay for human resiliency! Really quite an amazing critter.

So yes, lots of you are getting the invitation. Bug me if I forget you. I'm still human.

Tralalalala.. Yay for Southwest and gaining perspective.

2007-10-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, now I'm in Vegas for my birthday weekend. Life is fabulous!

Wildfires: Still no one dreadfully harmed, other than a lot of folks reeling from the crappy air quality. And I even heard that Potrero park seems to have survived somehow, despite a lot of the homes around it going up. I swear that park has its own force field...

Internship: Going well, despite two weeks of illness followed by a week of office-wide mourning for our lost attorney, followed by this week of constant stress for me keeping track of my peeps in SD not on fire. Let's hope they still love me on Monday.

Birthday: Rocked, despite a rather calm celebration. No overwhelming need to make an ass out of myself through alcohol this year. I'll save that for graduation :-) Or not. But I can't think of a batter way to celebrate than in my honey's arms, after a buffet dinner and harrassing Southwest into getting me here 3 hours earlier than expected. And a lovely beer in the airport bar discussing real estate with the other airport barflies. Bliss! Happy 34 to me!

Bar exam: I haven't even started studying for it and I think it sucks. I hates it, Mr. Frodo, I hates it! That being said, I'm picking my terrain carefully to assault this monster. I have officially decided to ruin my summer by taking the July Bar instead. But at least I get to enjoy Black Thursday (aka. Valentine's Day) without the insanity of a looming Bar this year. And go to Estrella. And maybe fight, but we'll see. And I'll make time for M's wedding. All will be well...

State of mind: Damn, the healing from exhaustion goes on and on. I can't work out for more than 45 minutes without my immune system losing out to a virus. Hence the 2 weeks of being sick earlier this month. And given the opportunity, I could sleep at any point in the day for 2-4 hours unless I've had coffee. Wow. Yeah, I don't recommend anyone going through that much social, school, and employment stress all in 2 constant years if you can possibly avoid it. I'll be over here taking supplements, sleeping regularly, and trying to get workouts back up to a reasonable level and number of days per week again.

Creative: Cranked out Roman tunics this week, thanks to eBay. Have Jedi robes and a pile of SCA sewing on deck. 3 more inkle projects on tap, and one with a diamond pick up pattern that finally makes sense to me. We'll see if it sucks :-)

Go be kind to yourself and others.

Trim!

2007-10-19T18:16:00.001-07:00

Here's the latest batch of trim sent of to largesse land.

Mostly cotton, some with handspun wool and linen (the yellow one).

The brown and blue and white matching ones are wool and cotton.

When Angels Fall...

2007-10-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've moved over here for a while. MySpace is for fun, and I'm pulling out the fire hose of deep thought. Brace yourselves..

I've watched the angels falling for a few weeks now. Good folks being laid low by life and seeing their proverbial wings ripped off. Bit graphic, but you get the meaning, right? And I am one of those people who believes "why do surgury when a chainsaw will reduce follow up visits", right?

I'm meandering, let me get to the point. I love these people. Some a little, some a lot. And I'd like to welcome them to my fold - I put up a net for you plummeting angel types. Hopefully I'll catch some of you. And I'm here to tell you it's ok not to be perfect and nice and kind all the time. In fact, it's impossible. We're not built that way, and the challenge is to find ways to be dignified about the painful and rude things that are part of who we are. Pain is just the reminder that you're not just letting things be what they are.

I watched my entire office's heart break yesterday for a man who was a dilligent paladin for poor clients in my office. His spirit just up and left a few weeks ago, leaving a pile of devastated people wondering why. My world view thinks he was offered a bigger spiritual role and took the gamble to move on. But it doesn't lessen the hurt that I'm watching everyone around me pour out. And his father's pain, oy! My boss said she was a terrible boss to him yesterday, and it's the furthest thing from reality I've ever seen a grieving person say. But to see the rest of the stable of paladins just break down and weep has made this a difficult week. Even his adverasries wept for the loss of him. My inner calm bucket is empty and dry - I'll need to take care of that. But there's anger and hurt and pain all around me - none of it is anything other than appropriate. There's nothing bad about feeling the way we all do. But everyone is questioning themselves and how they feel. And I've been walkng around telling people to be kind to themselves, take it easy, take the time to feel what you're feeling and accept it for what it is. And then I get socked in the gut with everyone else and have to take my own advice. Goodbye Jesus - I'll see you with your new set of wings and a honking big sword in my time. May you continue to be the champion you were in life.

I've watched my roomies struggle with love and communication and pain caused from not connecting on either level. Luckily they got there, but it took time and patience. There is nothing wrong with wanting your champion to be your champion and publicly acknowledge it. Nothing at all. Having the strength to stand up and ask for it is, to me, simply part of your self respect needs. It's scary to risk feeling rejected if you don't get it. Especially when I know you both care so much for each other. And I'm very very happy for both of you for weathering this. It was a wonderful bit of courage.

Oh baby. I've been there.

I've been in the land of "Dear God am I doing the right thing?" If I am, why does it hurt so much? Am I a bad person for doing this? And at the time, I feel that I was a bad person, but not for the reasons I thought at the time. I was so disappointed in myself and my failures that I was seriously considering checking out. Luckily, I had someone very sweet in my life who dragged my ass to get some help. And I needed it. Not everyone does. (thank you Michael, you saved my ass. I can't thank you enough or apologize for the hurt I caused. But I can say that I'm very happy to see you happy with a wonderful, talented woman. Best wishes.)

But when you build rigid and stiff like I did, any earthquake that comes along will rock you. Kindness, patience, forgiveness are the things that make life less rigid and brittle. I had to learn about these things intimately and learn how to put them to use. Especially giving myself the room to use them on me. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself, not let the small things get me, and treat others more gently than I even do for myself.

And fighting. Battle has been my biggest learning arena lately. Learning how to do battle with grace, strength and kindness has been the biggest challenge. I joined the Orkneys to learn about brotherhood, brutality, and ferocity. I went to law school to learn grace and skill in strategy, and to fight for and earn the respect I crave in my professional life. I moved to new places to teach myself how to accept change and people in general. I've learned so very much, and yet I still feel like a novice.

So while I'm overwhelmed at the moment, and feeling less than effective, I now have a toolkit to cope. So tonight, after I pay off my sparkly bit to assuage my inner girl, I'm sitting myself down with purpose. I'm laying my soul out to dry from the tears and to fix this week's pains. Giving over the sorrow and loss to the world, and just accepting where I'm at.

And just so you know where I'm at, I'm right next to you. I can see your opponent on the line of life. I can tell you're bracing yourself and gripping your weapons a bit tighter, as you see that really big opponent line up across from you. I watch your back, and I know you're trying to watch mine as well. We've been blocking blows for each other as we can, parrying, and throwing shots when it helps. I'm here, I believe in your ability to beat this one. And my spear will be right there for whatever help I can do with it. Just accept it, dammit. :-)

And your wings do grow back. I promise.

Your own worst enemy....

2007-10-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

http://attack-laurel.livejournal.com/45410.html
I adore this woman, and I dont' know her. But she writes terribly well, and nails the slippery crap right to the wall with an authentic Elizabethan nail. Go read it.

Snort, I heart this woman

2007-10-18T09:52:00.001-07:00

http://www.extremecostuming.com/attacklaurel/newrules.html

And I'm back...

2007-10-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, it's been a while. I had a break in my usual brain dump to exclusively hit MySpace for a bit. I'm better now, branching my thoughts back out to all the participating franchises. If you nderstand what I just typed in that last sentance, let me know. Oy, moving on...

Had a lovely realization last night. I'm well adjusted. Self accepting. Stable and relatively positive to my fellow women. What brought this on? I have a wonderful friend, who has just lost boatloads of weight. She (I'm sure) looks fantastic! And not only am I not the sligthest bit jealous, but I'm really proud of her. Sure, it did remind me that the gym is a good happy place for me, and it did get me going again. But no competition, no stupidity, no usual woman-crap. Not bad eh?

We talked last night as she's in the mall attempting to find what clothing fits her new bod. I can relate, as clothing shopping is not a fun thing to me. Dental work is higher on the fun things list, as I understand the need for good teeth in my genearl happiness plan. So I'm giving her suggestions and realizing that she's truly my size or smaller now, and I'm just happy for her. No anxiety, yay! Go me with the uber supportive and I'm not even lying train of thought :-)

Now, dont' get me wrong, I'd like to tone up and all that usual jazz. But I don't feel like her accomplishment is anything but her accomplishment. I accept that I'm not as small as I'd like to be at the moment, but i'm still damn cute. And I have a hot man telling me so on a regular basis. I have actually dropped a few pounds since I moved up here, but nothing dramatic. I also gained a few. It's a trade off.

But I'm really, truly happy with my body. Only took 33.99 years, eh?

I'm Baaaaack!

2007-06-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Made it back - very long flight, and some sleep helped immensely. I have some serious catching up to do on the China blog - Internet was weird in China.

More later, just glad to be home.

Whew! Hold on for the ride, eh?

2007-05-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

So, I'm almost there. Finishing work today (I'll miss my peeps), started packing things, and generally getting organized. Have to stop off at WalMart and stock up the kitties for J, who's staying at my place while i'm gone. Finished exams last night too. Thank goodness that's over...

Few more projects to finish and finish packing, hit a bunch of social stuff over the next few days, and wheee! I'm off!

This is all rather surreal. I've planned this for the past year, worked my butt off to get the cash together, worked the admin to get my degree in order, went to classes did homework, wrapped up my job and finally, finally it's here. And it's weird. Anticipation, it gets me every time.

So I'm just trying to relax, stay in the minute and enjoy my last few moments of this part of my existance. And then it's time to shake it all up, change things for a bit and travel for a bit. Pack all myy stuff up and move to another state yet again. Nomadic life, it's fabulous! Just in time to avoid the allergy season reving up down here..

So yeah, a bit terrified, a bit excited and a lot relieved.

Still in exams

2007-05-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yup, midway through my finals. Just plugging along in my senioritis state. I am a bit more motivated to study properly after last night's Trusts exam. Not pretty, but not a complete loss. I got the code sections in there, and I think my short answers aren't too terrible. The long essay was a bear, and not a paragon of organization. Blah. I wrote like crap, but hopefully everyone else did too since there was way too much to do in 2 hours.

Went home in my zombified state and watched Heroes with the neighbors. Cool show, I wish I'd actually been able to watch it during the semester, but no. Hopefully I'll remember to see next week's double episode.

Cutting off my hair today. While I like my hair long, there's a point where it just looks nasty from existing just too long. Time to chop a few inches off and see about looking stylish again...

Blurgh arrgh harmanz...

Neil's essay about the new Rush album.

2007-05-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.rush.com/thegameofsnakesandarrows/Rush.Essay4.S&A.pdf
I really enjoyed this. Now go Google: Leela, the game

How to dissect a Rush album

2007-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Got the new Rush. It always amuses me, but it's the only artistic work I have a process for. A way of devouring it. Granted, after the number of albums they have, it's not surprising. The band's music is the same age as me, so it always feels like a new sibling to get a new album. Not mine, but familiar. And it's all that guy at the music store's fault. The one I worked with that looked like Kip Winger. He got me hooked on Rush, and it worked for me! Here's how it goes:

Pop the album in for its first listening. Usually rough. I run around the house and let it just wash over me while I do whatever tasks I need to get done. I can tell if I like something because it makes me stop and listen wherever I am, regardless of what I'm doing. But no going back - gotta listen to it all the way through the first time.

Burn a copy for the car, where I do the real listening. And I'm allowed to go back in songs, restart, and examine the ones that hit me. And I play it to death, usually for at least a week or two unless I have some car trips. The main body of digesting is here. Things hit me, I learn the lyrics, I hear the interplay of the instruments.

I take a break. A day, a week, a month or two, I just stop listening. And let the cravings start. Usually I wait until I have to hear a particular riff or song that's bouncing around in my head. And then I can go back to playing it to death again. I've killed more than a few burned copies this way. The world got cheaper with CD burning and not in a derogatory way...

Eventually I feel how it fits into my Rush mental library. It fits into a spot nicely, speaks to certain resonances in my brain or soul, talks to certain experiences.

This one is about meaning so far. Spirituality in a way. A lot of there recent stuff has those themes, and it seems that each album has a new facet, a refinement to the seeking. I laughed when they covered "The Seeker" for their EP a few years back. It explained a lot...

So there you have it. How I make a month or two meal of a new Rush album. I gnaw, gnosh, chew, masticate, ruminate (one of my favorites) over it until I feel its part of me. Not the prettiest metaphor, but it works.

Here's my Hangzhou travel blog

2007-05-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

http://sammychina.blogspot.com/

Here's where I'll be blogging in China, once I get there.

All adventure and scholarly goodness!

Pissy = Worldly goodness

2007-05-02T11:20:00.001-07:00

So apparently my little post below had lots of amusing things for search engines. I got hits from Oman and Estonia, among others. Hulloooo world! Nice to see you! Welcome to my page!

Otherwise, things are all in line and happy. China crap being packed slowly. Ordered a personal filter bottle - i figured for $20 it's worth it. Even if it gets stolen. I feel better if my mom and I have a reliable source of water regardless of where we are. Got my paperwork, my money belt, just have to pack up some goodies and start the stack of clothing to pare down dramatically.

Calmed down on the man front too. Exams are just a pain sometimes. I skipped last night's review session and class and went home and got 11 hours of sleep, thanks to a little sleeping pill. I still feel spacy today, but the rest was worth it. Not the same as natural rest, but I needed the downtime bad. I have to figure things out for stress, as 2 months of this chaos before the Bar might kill me.

Although I did still have the thought of " I could still move anywhere or stay here" last night. I think moving added to the stress a bit. Most of my bookshelves are packed up and I got rid of my couch, so it's real that one way or another, I'm moving. Ugh. Hate moving, but I still can't buy a house in SD. Love my friends, when I have time to enjoy them, but I still can't get what I want here. How crappy...

But looking forward to the shopping spree of the decade, shopped Nordies for pictures of suits to have made, and got price approximations for various souveniers. Should be fun, and I'm very much looking forward to it!

Just a little advice..

2007-04-30T16:35:00.001-07:00

I've got to get something off my chest, as it seems that some folks aren't tying these particular thoughts together effectively...

1. I have a long history of supporting myself (and sometimes others), with only one time in my life I can point to where others carried me, since I left my parent's home.
2. When the chips are down, I always have a job. Maybe two. Sometimes (dear god) three, if that's what's needed. I just do what I have to.
3. Except for that one time, which I am eternally grateful for those who helped me, I have always paid my bills, taken care of my own shit, and generally acted mostly like an adult.

Ergo, given the above, don't ever imply that you will need to support me. It's one thing to "be the man". It's another to imply that I need someone else to take care of me. That there is the road to goodbyeland, and I know you don't want to visit there. I have life insurance for a reason, I have multiple contingencies for any occasion.

An additional point is that I am capable. Very, terrifyingly capable at times. I know how to call coordinates for an airstrike, honey, I don't need you to tell me that I have to move to a certain neighborhood. I have my criteria, I can discuss options with the police department if needed.

And you'd better not be assuming that you're moving in with me. That requires a form of commitment, usually in the form of an engagement or some similar situation we've collectively negotiated for the common good, usually after successfully dated for more than a year, usually 2. I used to be an Internal Auditor, I'm big on due dilligence, and that takes time.

Yes, I'm bitchy. It's exam time. Kind of like 3 weeks of PMS, compounded by personal things scheduled all over my universe at the moment. I'm not angry, but I just feel like this is not a no brainer situation. I don't advertise my helplessness, as far as I can tell. I got over codependence, and I kinda like having boundaries. They're rather fun, and make achieving things rather less painful. But jeez Louise! Don't acknowledge my boundaries then pretend they're not there for your own personal convenience....

Grrr...

Brains just not there....

2007-04-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well, exams start tonight. This one's not a huge deal, it's the other 3 that will probably kill me. I've started the review process, and I'm putting together my review flashcards. I'll have to recruit a few drill sargeants to help me out next week.

Just busy busy and not a lot of brains left over to write. I'll be thankful when I'm on a plane to China and can't do anything anymore...

Since I haven't posted yet today, have some good stuff..

2007-04-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Cathy Bonner’s 10 Commandments of Leadership. She is a businesswoman in Texas who founded The Women’s Museum, has written a book on leadership, and directed the Texas Dept of Commerce.

1. Thou Shalt Learn To Communicate in the 21st Century. If you cannot communicate in the 21st century, you can’t operate in business. Power is the control, access, and distribution of information.

2. Perception is Reality. Intelligence never speaks loudly enough, at least not in a crowded media market. The perception of you or what you do is as important as what you really do.

3. Thou Shalt Dream. This is the concept of creative visualization – what your goals are – and not just letting your future happen to you.

4. Be Sure Your Goal Is What You Really Want. Oscar Wilde said, “When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”

5. Thou Shalt Cover Responsibility. You can’t replace the “old guard” unless you take the responsibility for moving forward.

6. No Guts … No Glory. You can’t wait until you feel like you know a subject inside and out. You just have to adopt the Flying Wallenda factor – be on the high wire and show some guts.

7. Develop Three Kinds of Bones. A Funny Bone, a Wishbone, and a Backbone.

8. Nurture Thyself … Then Each Other. Everyone’s success is built on centuries of struggle. You have to protect that and nurture that to be part of something bigger than yourself.

9. Never Stop Learning. My favorite Japanese proverb is “I learn only to be contented.” Lifelong learning has to be a part of your business experience, not just your personal experience.

10. Conspire To Make A Better World. Try to change the system by working within the system without acting like the system. We have taught men to be brave and women to care. Now, we have to teach men to be brave enough to care about an equal and open society and teach women to care enough to be brave and not only to rock the cradle, but to rock the boat to make a better world.

Note to self...

2007-04-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

Stop torturing yourself with Bar Exam prep research and study for exams!

You'll take Bar/Bri and PMBR. It will cost $4,000. Get over it. If you're nice, I'll let you buy an extra Oregon book or two to brush up.

Oy!

Go Sabres!

2007-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, and the Sabres took round one of the playoffs against the Islanders!

Yay!

Zombie Dream #48

2007-04-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Yup, another one. This one is entertaining..

So I'm at a big West camping event, and I decide to go visit Gia down the road at her campsite. She's camped a bit away from folks, so I figure I'll go check on her. She's got a killer canvas tent with a bed and pretty big setup. It's got to be 20x30 in there! Nice, right?

Well, we're hanging out and talking and I warn her about the zombies. At this point no one has died from the zombies, they're just shuffling around the campsite. She's like, yeah, I know, they're annoying and scrabble on the sides of the tent, but I can pretty much ignore them as long as I stay inside. Now, the amusing point, is that at this point, the zombies are still fresh and just look like overly drunk people who can't talk. They don't attack anyone, they just shuffle around and moan. We're hanging out and having a good time, and just about when I'm thinking of heading back to Orkney camp, crap starts happening.

Some dude starts pulling the ties on the doors of her tent, and zombies start trying to enter. I confront the dude pulling on the ties, dark haired and somewhat resembles the first guy I ever dated in high school (!). I ask him where he's from, and he says Calontir and tries to leave. I try to grab him, but he moves back from the tent as zombies try to push in. I hold up a tiny throwing knife and tell him not to make me use this. His eyes get wide, as he knows that if the zombies smell blood, it's all over. He runs, but he gets away.

G and I get the damn zombies out of the tent by pushing them back out the doors and quick tying up the ties. We stop and look at each other, and I say You know we're screwed if anyone gets the slightest cut? Just the, we hear all hell break loose outside. D'oh is standing on the shower platform nearby and laughing as someone is taken down by the zombies. Yup, here we go. I was just going to suggest she get packed up and get her happy butt out of here, but now it's about just surviving. The zombies go nuts, attacking each other and the folks in that area. We dive back into the tent, and make a plan. I tell her to find Rorik and Jackie and get into one of their vehicles. I'm heading back to my camp to join the Orkneys in cleaning up this mess. We hug, she gives me a big stick she's got handy in the tent, and I wake up as I leave the tent...

Last thought for Friday

2007-04-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

As a former campus safety, anti-terrorism type, don't don't dont spout off to me about gun control simply because some obviously mentally ill person chose a gun over your car, a long bow, or a cane to kill people with. Tools, people, they're just tools. Just because you're scared of them doesn't change the fact that a gun cannot jump up off the table and shoot you without some person pulling the trigger. Safety applies to anything that can hurt you, and I still see a lot of people on the road who need to go back to driving school. Sheesh...

I applaud the heroism of those who saved each other's lives by getting people out of harm's way as best they could.

I hate copycats.

I'm sad for unfinished lives, despite my Buddha nature trying to insist they will go on to have another shot or to a much higher place. It's still a terrible waste.

Not quite sure how I managed this, but...

2007-04-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

I still have low blood pressure. Despite school and work and salty french fries and managing everything by my little self, I still managed a good amount lower than normal blood pressure at the doc's today. There's some folks that tend to think it has something to do with my allergic reactions - apparently anaphalytic shock lowers one's blood pressure. Hmm... Not sure that's a good trade off there.

Got a physical, they took my blood and gave me the tetanus shot I'd come to get. I'm still alive, go me! I shouldn't have any cholesterol or diabetes issues, but they like to panic over those. Doesn't run in the family, so I'm not terribly concerned.

Now to continue having my fries with a boatload of salt, yoga mornings, calestenics, and eating veggies.....

Zombie Dream #47

2007-04-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so woke up in a cold sweat yet again this morning, running from zombies. It was another chapter in the "What not to do when dealing with zombies" book. My cats and I were in this 2 story house with some other chick, checking rooms to see if the house was safe to hide out in. We had just gotten upstairs, and she went to check the master bedroom.

Apparantly she was just dream-bait, because she disturbed a pack of zombies in the other bedroom. If my cats coud roll their eyes at me, that was the look I got from them as we dove into the closet. No clue what happened to dream bait chick, but regardless, we were screwed. The other bedroom had mirrored closet sliding doors on it. Little known fact about me - I hate mirrored closet sliding doors. Despise them even. Not only are they a cheater way to make a room supposedly look bigger, but they never work right and creep me out at night when I see my reflection in them. Blah.

So here's me and my cats, huddled in the closet with zombies scrabbling at the cheap mirrored doors. The doors keep sliding a bit open and shut as I try to find a way to wedge them. And then it hits me. There's really not way out of this. It's a crappy safe house, and now the zombies are going to be all over us as soon as the doors give in. Blah. So I wake up...

Can you tell it's exam time? Always the zombie dreams near exam time....

Hmm, time to get to work...

2007-04-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

Had a great 3 weeks of travel, but it's time to get down to business. M/C War was great, despite the rain. I was pretty happy with the Norman layers of warmness, and enjoyed wearing my spiffy, hot off the loom inkle belt. At one point, I was wearing 4 layers of tunics (silk, linen, linen, cotton) and still cold, so I ended up spending $$ on some warm socks and a cloak-like woobie at the merchant lady's shop. It pushed me over the edge to warmth, so despite spendign too much, I appreciated it. But I do need some more layers. Got some interesting ideas for rectangular construction layers and some embellishments. I NEED embellishments :-) In all my spare time, of course... At least my inkle loom is humming lately.

But in all that travel, I simply spent too much. I did an audit this morning, and reliazed that in my travels, I just spent a bit too much. I need to quick start up the money machine and get more stuff listed on eBay and Amazon. Its not like I don't have more stuff to sell than time to sell it all in. I have oodles of crap! The issue is to get it all online and listed and turned into green...

And I have a very nice lady who begs to pay me to come help her out, so I scheduled some time with her as well. We'll be spending some quality time over the next few weeks. The good news is that part of my over spending was accounting for the last few expenses for China - visa, medical insurance, weekend trips, etc. And covering a few things for B&D's wedding next week. But it does mean that my spending cash fund is rather low....I have credit card, but I'd rather not. And you can't rely on it for street vendors and small meals. better to have the cashola!

So yeah, while I will be working my butt off, but no more than I have been while travelling the last few weeks. Time to get the final exam goodies rolling too. I'm completely capable of doing really well this semester. Time to buckle down...

Happy Friday the 13th!

2007-04-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm useless today...

It's friday, I'm flying up to War tonight, my next deadline is next wednesday for the project at work, and I'm bored....

Yay Sabres - they won game 1 against the Islanders! Woohoo!

Finally, finally finished my Carolyn Myss DVD last night - good stuff. She goes along with the Vonnegut quote below wholeheartedly - you are what you say you are. And if you're literally stuck on someone or can't get past a past experience, all your energy is going to go into that mental block.

Flit flit - off to another topic... Garb! I'm slumming it this weekend. Early Norman layered tunics. Best remedy for a rainy event. Outer layers schuck off the rain while the inner ones keep you warm. I really hope I didn't forget anything important. And if I did, who cares!

Almost time for exams. Time to start my 1918 flu paper due next week - eek!

Ahh Mr. Vonnegut

2007-04-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

“Be careful what you pretend to be, because you really are what you pretend to be.”
And that is about my favorite quote ever....

Thank you Kurt Vonnegut.

Rush and Independence Day...

2007-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Yup, got a free airline ticket, and bought myself a ticket to Rush yesterday. See, I do need to go home and visit the family clan this summer. I really only get to visit about once per year, and lately the visits have been getting shorter and shorter. Not fun, and everything seems rushed and hurried. I rarely got to see anyone beyond my immediate family besides Mel and her happy family. And I do like my relatives back in Buffalo...

Then I got bumped this past weekend, and collected a free round trip. And looked at the Rush concert dates, and Voila! Rush is in Buffalo at the theme park near my parents' house for the 4th of July. Kinda cool, eh? Granted, I'm not going to the concert with anyone, but I generally can have a wonderful time all by myself in a crowd of Rush fans without any issues. Besides, I really just want to go to the concert something terrible. I may see them again in SD or Portland if I can afford it. But even if I only go the once, it'll be a great time.

Yay! Rush! And I'm waiting on the pre-order of their new album. I should have it in a few weeks... Tasty. Always good to have more music from your favorite band. They almost take up a whole CD case in my collection, between 30 something albums, tribute albums, compilations, etc. Yay!

WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2007-04-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, just heard the best news in forever...

I can pull my entire Stafford allowance for the year for the Fall semester. I have money to support my happy butt with while I intern in Portland this fall!

Yay! Triple Yay! It's not living in luxury, but it is vastly less painful than having to come up with a full time job and my BarBri tuition out of nowhere. I can work part time and not kill myself to just bring money in the door.

Oh bliss, huge weight off my chest.... And if I'm good with managing it, I may even be able to scrape up the cash to see my brother's family at Xmas.

Oh, my entire summer just got less painful. I was kinda freaking out (no kidding, eh?) about how the hell I was going to support myself. Now I know I'll be ok.

Whew.

And my passport arrived. This universe likes me!

Hmmm, not just about high school

2007-04-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Could easily apply to any self-centered society group:

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

This paragraph especially struck me:

"Because I didn't fit into this world, I thought that something must be wrong with me. I didn't realize that the reason we nerds didn't fit in was that in some ways we were a step ahead. We were already thinking about the kind of things that matter in the real world, instead of spending all our time playing an exacting but mostly pointless game like the others."

Oooo, and these two paragraphs as well:

"When there is some real external test of skill, it isn't painful to be at the bottom of the hierarchy. A rookie on a football team doesn't resent the skill of the veteran; he hopes to be like him one day and is happy to have the chance to learn from him. The veteran may in turn feel a sense of noblesse oblige. And most importantly, their status depends on how well they do against opponents, not on whether they can push the other down.

Court hierarchies are another thing entirely. This type of society debases anyone who enters it. There is neither admiration at the bottom, nor noblesse oblige at the top. It's kill or be killed."

Sound familiar to you? It did to me :-) It's a tasty bit of intellectual steak...

Ahh, yes. My mother...

2007-04-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my mom sends me stuff like this and expects me to be happy to hear it:

"It is always good to see you, but you have to stop skipping around in life & realize your adults years are here right now. Keep a steady job & accumulate some capital for the future years.Pay down some of your college debt too. Plan on taking the Ca boards as that is where you went to law school."

Note that I'm 33, divorced, lived in 4 states or so, always have been employed except for right after 9/11, and never moved home ever again after college. Nor will I. And this is why. I'm perfectly capable of running my own damn life. Thanks for playing.

Mind you, my mother doesn't have a degree, has never been in a court as far as I can tell, and has no idea what a law degree entails. Or that the Bar exam is exclusive to each state. Sure, it's nice that my parents worry. But there's a point where I just want to scream, " I know what the fuck I'm doing - go away!" Sure, I'll take the California Bar. Great idea since I won't be living or working here. It'll do me a lot of good.

Funny part is that most parents would be thrilled to have an over-educated, reasonably stable daughter who's not taking drugs, didn't get pregnant in her teens, is relatively responsible, well respected by her peers and generally helps out when she can.

But I'm a bad person for flying home for the first time in over a year this summer because it's the last time for a while I think I'll be able to afford it. Yup. That's me.

Screw that - I'm coming home, I'm going to the Rush concert on July 4th, and I'm going to have a lovely time. With or without my stupid mom's comments.

And I will be selling some of my costumes soon

2007-04-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm even selling one or two of my embroidered skirts. Yes, the ones you all drool all over ( or at least my fellow dancers do).

I have too much garb that's just not period enough for my taste, and too light to wear in An Tir...

Stay posted - I'll put up the eBay link once they're on sale...

Sometimes things are just good...

2007-04-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

So, Portland. I was in Portland all weekend. It was lovely! First, I simply got to relax a bit. Not something I make a lot of time to do, and being able to not rush around and get things done was great! Even took a nap Friday afternoon - just posh!

Basically I went to get one last check of the area and see if I could handle living there. It was a classic Portland weather weekend - some sun, some drizzle, some clouds. But it was warmer than I expected, and I expect to need to wear a lot of layers for the first few years. My skin adored having actual humidity again. We tourned the town a bunch, and thanksfully A didn't kill me after the 47 gazillionth time he asked what I wanted to do, and I didn't have an answer. But I saw different neighborhoods, spent way too much money on fun things, and just came to the opinion that I would really like Portland.

We went to Lewis & Clark on Friday so I could check in with the Career Services office up there, called the sports agent guy, then to Oregon City (pub #1) and seeing the area. Stopped off for a tool about downtown, Irish lunch (pub #2) and Powell's books, where I did vast amounts of damage to their stock of medieval law books. Then back towards the airport for a nap. Saw B that night and went to Kennedy school(pub #3). Saturday we started with pub breakfast(pub #4) in Oregon City with J and G (nice folks, yay!), a browse around and area whose name I can't seem to pull out of my head at the moment but had a great music store and other cool shops, then off to Saturday market and met up with a bunch of folks. Much browsing (more damage, but new cotton bedsheet - yay!) and off to Crush (pub #5), which was closed, so off to Squeeze (pub #6) where we enjoyed a range of cocktails that were extra yum. Impromptu party at L's house was hatched, and I got to enjoy an evening with a bunch of folks and some fantabulous nachos! Sunday, we went back to pub #4 for breakfast, then over to pub #1 for an afternoon Guiness. Eventually though I had to bit ethe bullet and head to the airport.

I hated leaving. I like Portland a lot. It so did not harsh my groove. Good beer, less crowding, fewer overdressed/made up people. I have my ambition and all, but I don't need to wear it, thanks. And maybe I was just vastly more relaxed than usual, but everyone seemed so damn friendly! Then again, it also could have been that I spent the weekend with a happy gentle buzz and plenty of sleep for the first time in weeks.

Yeah, I'll be just fine up there...

Tired, but here starts the weekend...

2007-04-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

Still at work, barely. The coffee's not even working anymore. Just tired, dealing with personalities and wrapping up things for the weekend. My new position folks just found out that I don't have enough to do. In fact, I begged them for more work. My brains need inspiration all day! So they piled a bit more on...

Called L&C, found out that my Career Services people are really just not good. Called and bugged them again to get their collective crap together. Hopefully he actually did send the damn email like he's supposed to this time. Ugh, he really doesn't want to mess with me. I will make his universe complex... I'll call in a bit and find out if hellfire needs to rain down.

And thankfully it's off to the airport soon. For once I'm happy to have a layover. Means I can get more homework done and relax with some more magazines...

Have a lovely weekend! If you're Christian, Happy Easter! Personally I'll just eat good chocolate and call family on Sunday. Yay!

Beer Camp!

2007-04-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ha! I was sent to beer camp this past weekend - it was fabulous!

While I missed seeing my friends at Coronet, I was visiting a non-SCA person. So we went to beer camp instead! It was fabulous! The Original Beer Camp to me will always be Zeitgeist in San Fran - it's a cool ass bar, with really good beer. Inside is kinda small, but outside they have rows and rows of picnic tables. Everyone gets cozy, socializes like mad, admires the walking talking eye candy, and keeps a nice happy beer buzz. The bartenders rock - I'd only wait in line for a few minutes tops, and the people were cool to the point that I always ended up talking to people while waiting in line.

So, I've decided that beer camp can be a travelling idea. What does it require, you ask? First off, good beer. Can't be beer camp without excellent beer, right? And by the pitcher has to be possible. Good beer should be shared around like you're at Thanksgiving dinner and Aunt Hattie wants more potatos. Pouring a glass of good beer for a friend is a warm fuzzy. And excellent part of beer camp.

Second, beer camp needs a social area. Preferably tables, as it's a better place to put a pitcher that has not yet been blessed by emptiness. Preferably tables that fit lots of folks to share said beer and talk up a storm. There should be multiple such tables, as half of the fun of beer camp is the other campers. Sunshine and outdoors is also preferable, but adaptable based on your part of the country. Why would you be sent to beer camp but to get some sunshine and exercise, eh?

Third, beer camp needs pub food. Simple, unadorned, yet good sustanance. Campers work up a sweat lifting pitchers and debating with their neighbors. Cheeseburgers, fries, bangers and mash - pub food. Pub food goes well with beer, is non-fussy, and provides good nosh for energetic exchanges about Othello and Guiness v. Fat Tire discussions.

Fourth, beer camp needs efficient bathrooms. 'Nuff said, I think.

Fifth, beer camp needs YOU! You socially delicious, beer sipping, diety of friendship! Your observation skills + witty banter + sexy demeanor all add to the benefits of going to beer camp. Ask any kid sent to summer camp - if your camp mates stunk and were annoying, it was hell. But I know you, and you are the pinnacle of fun! The utmost in entertaining! The sultan of social! And your individual talents will add to the overall welcoming ambiance of the joint...

So there it is. Coming to a suitable establishment near you....

Full disclosure announcement

2007-04-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

Just for the sake of amusement, I should let y'all know that I do have tracking software on my blog.

Nothing too CIA - just IP tracking. It amuses me to see how many folks from China and Brazil read my meanderings and wonder what the heck it means. Apparantly a lot do.

But I thought you should know :-)

Contemplation

2007-04-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have a lot in my head, but I'm not sure how much will come out here. My universe is just moving fast lately, and I feel like I'm going to need a day or two to process in quiet a few times over the next 6 months. Nothing I'm doing is bad. All feels well, and happy and not too terrifying. Big changes, lots of adventures planned, yet somehow it all feels like where I need to go.

Every once in a while I hermit up, wear my pajamas for an entire day, and just wake up with nothing to do planned. Granted, I usually end up tackling a huge project of some sort, but I don't plan to. Putter around the house, and just let myself flit from whatever needs to happen to whatever comes up next. I usually end up doing some of the relaxing things I crave, like naps or good, scratch home cooking. And sometimes I really get nothing more accomplished other than my brain getting a break. It's really theraputic, and I have found that I'll get physically sick if I haven't done this in a while. My body's way of keeping me honest.

Granted, I'm sure some people so this all the time, but with all the crap I have to finish on any given day, I just can't. I look forward to not having quite so much on my plate after graduation and the bar, although it's still a bit off. And for once I'm not terrified about moving to yet another new area. I have friends there, I've been to visit a few times. I know some of the SCA folks, and I dunno, it just feels good. We'll see how long that lasts when the truck is gone, my crap is all over my new place and I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing. Yay for panic after the fact, eh?

I'm sure I'll be fine, but it's strange to be more relaxed than usual. Or maybe the school stress is drowning the move and China stress...

Someone please tell the Passport office that they need to ship mine out ASAP, please. This is rapidly becoming not funny.

And how are you being today?

2007-04-02T15:14:00.001-07:00

http://blog.fastcompany.com/experts/gandrews/2007/03/how_are_you_being_as_a_leader.html?partner=rss

Interesting... Kinda like a beginning Buddhist application to leadership.

Hooray for chiropractors!

2007-04-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

Just had the most blissful chiro appointment. I hadn't realized how all the damage to my arm had stacked onto my back. The vicoden messed it up a bit, then all the travel and stress finished it off. I'm out of pain for the first time in months, and it has me jumping all over the place. I feel soooo good! I hadn't realized how much it had affected my universe. But the perk factor is prettyhigh right now, so I must have been a right bear for the past few weeks, growling at just about everything!

He slapped warm and cold packs on it, stuck me on the rolly thingie, rubbed this linament stuff that heated and cooled at the same time (very cool, must buy some to have in kit), cracked me all over the place, and left me for a while to breathe. I'm about 2" taller and have my grin back!

Amazing, just wonderful and amazing. I feel like I can face the universe again..

Sittin on the porch..

2007-03-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Had a blessedly less busy Thursday evening last night, which I am just not used to having. Got home from class, and had one of my meetings cancelled. Slathered henna on my head, cleaned dishes and went through some papers in an attempt to yet again tame the paper monster. And realized it wasn't even 9pm yet - bliss! Got to actually sit on the porch and talk to my friends for a while. Nice to check in for once.

So I settled in to let my head develop, turned on Carolyn Myss again, and settled in to watch with my inkle weaving for a few minutes. Hooray for Netflix!

Now, I found Carolyn Myss about 5 years ago when my universe was a wreck. There were a few good things keeping me from jumping off a pier, but not too much. But I stumbled across a TV program on PBS with her talking away, and just got hooked. She's a very straightforward kinda new-agey type. There was a time when I got into the floofier varieties of New Agey stuff, but for the most part, I like my facts hot and sizzling and fresh off the scientific research. Everything else is theatre to me, and while there's a place for it, I just can't get as fluffy as I used to. And here's this woman, who's currently a medical intuitive, who used to be in a nice, normal boring career. And the words that are coming out of her mouth, oh boy! She's pretty blunt - it's a different kind of way of speaking.

The part I got to last night in the video("Why people don't heal" I think is the name of it) was about how people find their value and bonding experiences by rehashing their bad times and "wounds" with each other. And she's right - there's something about sharing a terrible thing that's happened to you that can be a socially bonding experience. How many times have you found yourself sharing something vulnerable with someone else way before they know you from Adam? And it can grant you sympathy, acceptance, comiseration, and a sense of comfort that wouldn't normally be forthcoming, right?

Well, there's a dwelling on the past that happens in this exchange that can be draining. I've noticed it when I do it, so I do try not to. There's something about dwelling on an injury instead of a victory that drags your spirit right down, makes you feel like you did at that past point, and drains you away from the here and now. I've had entire friendships with people who only discussed the past, not the plans for the future or what's happening right now. It could have been 10 minutes ago, but it was more interesting to them than figuring out what's next and moving on. No wonder my universe never got anywhere, eh? I did the same thing. Hard to move forward when you're inadvertantly always discussing the past.

And once I started to make a change and started setting things in motion, whew! Hold on to your seats folks, because my universe started kicking into high speed. Changes come faster, good things swing my way more often, and the differences are so drastic that my old self wouldn't recognize my new self. Kinda cool, actually. I have no idea if it works like this for everyone, but my experience has been quite remarkable.

So if you wanna connect, tell me what you're living now. What you're planning. Not that I won't comfort you in times of need and help you heal, but there's healing and then there's dwelling. I know where I want to live, and now seems like a pretty good place :-)

Almost travel ready..

2007-03-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

Ordered a travel adaptor and money belt for my trip. I think I almost have everything I want to take with me. My only concern at this point is Frankenstein, my laptop. I'm bringing him, mainly for photos and Internet access and the off chance I need to produce something written for my classes that can't be taken care of with my preferred pen. But Frankenstein is old, and I'm not sure how reliable he's going to be. His battery doesn't charge anymore and I need to see if I can fix that. It's rather annoying to not be able to use him on flights and such because there's no battery power. Starcraft would make that China flight vastly more palatable.

So now that I've ordered the more Macguyver stuff and luggage-y things, I'll see about his needs. Not planning on bringing tons of clothes - I'm going to where almost all of our clothes are made, I'm already planning an excellent shopping spree! Silk, maybe a piece of jade for D's mom, a silk parasol or three, maybe some cool fans, and all of it has to fit into the orange suitcase of doom! Or perhaps I'll take two suitcases and fill the heck out of them. If nothing else, because I know mymom will be buying the universe in silk :-) She's a power shopper and bargainer, and I fully expect to have to extricate her regularly from the street vendors. Should be entertaining.

Found out about an Irish pub in Hangzhou. We'll see if it's really there. I think that would be an experience - having a decent beer in a Chinese Irish pub... We'll see if it's somewhere I'd want to be after dark.

Wow, 5 weeks of work and school, then off I go... It'll be over too fast, I already know that.

Networking sans wires

2007-03-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had little luck in setting up a summer internship thus far by applying through the normal routes. Even got grief from school when I asked a simple question about their on campus interview companies. Ugh, and you'd think I was paying tuition or something, geez...

So I've decided to try stealth mode for a bit. I've been shamelessly asking everyone I know if they know lawyers who'd like a free intern this summer. And started making calls and sending emails. Nothing yet, but I've gotten a vastly warmer response by naming names than my resume ever did by chilly cold sending.

Hopefully something will pan out, and I need to get cracking on the Portland area soon too. Fall internships are probably filling up now, ack! So I'll be buried in my resume for a bit while cranking out my Biotech assignments.

But I'm more hopeful that something will pan out from this whole mess, and maybe I'll have a good summer after all. And a bit of time to visit friends too.

Now to figure out - An Tir Crown or Burning Man? Why is it that everything cool is planned on the same 4 weekends every year?

Hmm, things are falling into place nicely...

2007-03-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

It's pretty cool when you bust your butt saving and paying stuff off for a year or so, and you come out ahead. Looking at my money timeline, China is paid for, my expenses while I'm gone are paid for, and I'll still have some money left towards my move. I basically just have to come up with another $1200 by August to cover the basic move, rent and first month of expenses. Not as much leeway as I'd like, but it's entirely doable.

Granted, it means that I likely won't do two of the trips I was considering over the summer. As much as I'd like to, it's just not smart to spend the money. Things may work out, but I'm not planning on it.

And my credit cards are all paid off, so I do have a short term safety net, just in case I need it to finish paying for the bar review course or something. Pretty damn cool!

Feeling a bit more relaxed about the whole thing. I know it will work out, I just need to get the basics set up and I'll be fine. Woohoo!

Proof that you can gild a lily and come out ahead ;-)

2007-03-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

And Jed looked fabulous in the tunic -Squeeee!

Go me, it's my birthday, oh yeah.... Planning the hot Orkney chick linen chiton of doom, next. Complete with skull border and little men fighting all over it. Teehee, perfect for me :-)

Oh blessed reset button

2007-03-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

As much as I wanted to go to West Crown this weekend, I think I made the better choice in visiting my sister. I finally figured out by Friday, while home in pain, that the vicoden which so wonderfully helped my arm heal, ate my intestines. So I spent the weekend detoxing from the painkillers, basking in the warmth of my nephew's adoration, and relaxing with friends and family. It was good for me, I needed the reassurance and rest badly.

Saturday I drove up to my sister's, stopped off to hunt for that bridesmaid dress I need to get, then spent the afternoon and evening with my sis and her family. I adore my godson, and playing with him in the park was fantastic! He loves the swings, just as I did at that age, and he kept wanting to go faster and higher. So I pushed as high as my heart could handle, and I chased him all over the slides and jungle gym as well. His laughter was just a joy, and my sister was relieved to have the help in tiring him out. And I got to hold my niece in the evening for an hour or so, she snorted and cooed and sighed at me. It was just amusing to me, because I was terribly protective of my sister and both kids. Having them around makes me lioness Auntie Jammy. I'm fierce, don't mess with my family :-)

Sunday, I went to the 40th birthday party of one of my dear friends. These are my SCA household friends, despite our general lack of SCA involvement for most of them. But they're my favorite partners in crime, and my former D&D group (ie. excuse to sit around, talk, and drink excellent microbrews). We played a card game, chatted, caught up and it was just wonderful to see them! I let them know about the Portland plan, and they were psyched for me. And they're more likely to visit me in Portland than they ever were while I'm in San Diego. Hooray!

Finally I drove home in the evening, finished my homework, and finished puttering around the house. Just relaxing and fun all weekend.

Congrats to my friends who got knighted this weekend! Very much deserved, and I'm very sorry to have missed it!

And about that stupid logic crap...

2007-03-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm sick of hearing " you think too much with your head, and not with your heart."

News flash folks, I am thinking with my heart. My heart is not interested in more broken-ness. It's not interested in spinning dreams out of air that will never be realized. My heart is not interested in people who promise the world, yet can't handle the reality of me. My heart is intimately aware of what makes me happy. And my heart is strong enough to wait for it. Just because my heart speaks in logic that I taught it, doesn't make it any less of a heart. Some things can't be explained. For everything else, there's mathmatics :-)

Ok, so, my head sat down with my heart for the weekly coffee. It sincerely objected to not being held responsible for my life lately. I live with passion. Just because my passion currently isn't carnal, doesn't mean that it's any less passionate. I have a goal. A very close goal. I have worked my ass off for 3+ years to get here. Why would my heart, in its infinate wisdom, throw that away for just anyone? My heart sincerely objects to being treated like a passenger in something that can only be driven by heart and need and passion through some of the toughest things I've ever done. And I've been through the FBI Academy, an interesting childhood, and other things I don't talk about.

So tell me, why would I throw my heart and passion at just anyone? The first guy to cross my path and show me some attention? Sure, my self esteem isn't the greatest. Thank goodness... I'd be insufferable. But I know what I want, and I can tell who wants it enough to go there with me. And who's got the backbone, courage, strength, and heart to go there honestly. Not sure when I'll find it, not sure if I ever will. But I'll wait and bet he's out there, rather than sell anything short.

So go ahead, discount my heart. Go right ahead. Pretend like it's not running things. I know me better.

Settling....

2007-03-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

Had a great conversation last night with a Dear Friend, while laying on the floor and praying for the ibuprophen to kick in. She came by for some face time, since her universe is really quite busy and sad and chaotic at the moment. Apparently she needed someone just to lean on for a bit, and I was happy to oblige. So we wandered through various topics, but really the one that got us jabbering on was the concept of "settling". You know, taking whatever comes along in the fear that nothing else WILL come along.. Most of the time it's referred to in relationships - settling for someone for their one or two good qualities while overlooking the really glaring annoyances that vastly outweigh anything good in it. Again, usually motivated by fear and low self confidence.

Now, I've been there and, after my divorce, I vowed never to be there again. Life is too short, brutish, and hard to live with someone who isn't at least pleasant to be around. So we made a pact not to settle, and to talk to each other to help have the courage to venture long enough to find some happiness. I know what I want, especially after the last year of attempted dating. And she had her list of good things to look for. Neither of us have terribly insurmountable wants, just some basics that any mature adult should have a reasonable helping of. Here's some examples:

1. Kindness - if you're regularly a shit to the people who care about you, no thanks. Simple kindness and an ability to be gentle with those around you is one of the single most attractive qualities I've seen. And lately it seems rare.
2. Capability - need to be mostly self sufficient, pay own bills, have own spending cash, working vehicle, place to live without an ex or parent figure present, and the ability to make major decisions in a reasonable manner.
3. SCA - yeah, I know. At least has to be open to the concept. Preferably a heavy fighter.
4. Confidence - have some form of life that satisfies you. Hobbies, job you like, good friends. With or without a relationship present.
5. Interest - you gotta be interested in me, right here and now. No waiting for me to move, degree to be finished, sun to rise tomorrow, etc. While logistics can be frustrating, if you're truly interested, you can at least be saying that in a clear, inequivocal manner until things are figured out. Indifference is not attractive. Willingness to wait without a commitment of some form tells me you're "settling" for me or it's some kind of stupid "test"- not attractive either.
6. Respect of a good amount of your peers - this is a funny one. Everyone I know is respected by someone. But I can tell a lot by who respects you. If you have people you need to avoid, who want to maim you in dark alleys, who just simply don't like you and aren't afraid to say so, I'm just not interested, thanks. I've had to clean up enough messes this year to know that I'm just not fond of the concept. A screw up once in a while is fine, but you need to be responsible enough to take care of it yourself and understand the consequences.
7. Responsibility - it's a basic. Take care of your own shit, responsibility for what you do, humbleness in fixing things, and pride in work well done.
8. Ability to listen and acknowledge what you're hearing - this here is the single hardest thing to find in our current society. I'm even guilty at times of not hearing what's being said to me, and immediately turning it around to be about me. When someone else is talking, it's not about you. Period. Hear what's being said, repeat if necessary, and soak it up. You don't have to agree, just hear. Extra points for considering what it means.
9. Consistency - Waffles are for breakfast. Wishy washy is not attractive. If you can't make a decision on whether you want to be with me, I can. I'm very consistent - if I'm not interested in talking to you, I'm not interested in you. It's really quite simple. Thanks for playing.
10. Patience - Waiting and seeing what happens is really the key to anything. And it's the only way you get to real trust. Speaking of which...
11. Trust - it's a doozy. I've had a rough time with it for a while now. If I trust you, I trust you wholeheartedly. I didn't think this was a hard one, just act with integrity and honesty. But apparantly it's another tough one, and I can't kinda trust you and be wth you.

There - illustrative, contemplative, gives you a good idea of the basics. No one is more important, some are dealbreakers, some aren't. And the key is that I try to be every single one of them myself. I can't ask something of someone else without living it first. Didn't say I succeeded all the time, but I do try. Anything else would be settling for someone else.

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet...

2007-03-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm moving, either in August or December, depending on a few, monetarily related things.
Probably to Portland, things are coming together to move there the easiest and in the most positive manner. You've got a few months to convince me otherwise if you so desire :-)

And I have the most amazing friends..

The Greek tunic from Hell...

2007-03-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

And it's allllmost done finally. Finished the painting last night, bit of handsewing tonight and it's off in the UPS envelope. And it's puuurty. I'm pretty damn happy with it, and I hope Jedon likes it too. Here's some photo details:

Here's the bottom hemline, it's the same front and back - warriors hunting lions - applique and acrylic, painted border, all based on vases.

Here's the chest motif - a split lion head, which is Jedon's heraldry. Again, applique, paint:

And the sleeve motif - again, from a vase and applique mostly. Bit of paint for accent:

The whole thing is hand sewn - no point in doing all this hand work if it's not sewn together by hand too, eh? Not bad for my first big applique project. I'm pretty happy with how it came out. Things learned: it's hard to get the level of detail I like without having to go over the paint multiple times, Conan the barbarian is just long enough to applique 47 little pieces of suede cloth on each sleeve, bigger is vastly easier and can still look cool, stencils hate me.

That's just annoying...

2007-03-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Interviewed with the City Attorney's office today, and frankly, I'm annoyed. I didn't apply for the Criminal - I specifically applied for Civil. Yet, the person I interviewed with was for Criminal. Ugh. I really don't want to do Criminal. But I doubt I'll get it - they're only taking 10 people and my interview wasn't too great. I realized slowly in the first 2 minutes that I was sitting with a Criminal attorney. But I'm too polite to walk out huffy :-)

So I'll go bug the externship lady and see if she has ideas for civil internships. I'm a civil sort of person, dammit! :-)

Great.... Juuuust great...

2007-03-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

So, started studying Mandarin in the car while racing to work, school, and home to sleep.

Now I want Dim Sum. All the freaking time. Nothing like BBQ pork buns.

So I hunted online for a take out dim sum shop in SD. I'll be sampling my finds this weekend before seeing 300 again.

But I can say excuse me in Mandarin. Kinda... Probably have an accent like a southern girl trying to speak French, but oh well. Eventually....

Must have Dim Sum....

Hmm, but there's more in my brains...

2007-03-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well, after that last post, I'm finding my brain is still full. So here's more randomness for your boredom alleviation...

I've been spending a bit more time than usual at home lately, mainly because I have 3 trips planned over the next month. I'd really like the concept of a cleaner house, and I'm tackling some of the things making it less than clean. I killed the paper monster at my desk last night. Organized the whole box of random crap, threw out a big chunk of paper, shredded the delicate bits, and put the file-able stuff to one side. Now I just need more files to tame what's left, and voila! One quarter of my desk space is reclaimed. The bookshelves are next. I need to pack what I want to keep, sell what I can and add the rest to the garage sale/swap meet pile. And I need to start putting things aside for the medieval garage sale at the end of the month. C was sweet enough to say she'd sell my goodies if I labelled and bagged them for her. Hooray! I don't really need 17 saris... or a lot of other stuff for SCA. And I put the schlager and mask up on the Calafia list, and a very nice fencer type cross posted it for me. Slowly I compact the massive pile of stuff I own.

Next are the fibre and fabric monsters. The fabric is just getting downsized. I have way too much linen and silk in there to truly say goodbye to all of it. And I currently live next to the LA fabric district. Giving up my fabric while living so far away from the fabric district makes me feel like I'm going to starve! But I suppose they actually sell wool up there, which is sorely lacking in the deserts of SoCal. Trade one for the other I suppose. But inkle trim is high on the list of things to crank out while watching netflix, listening to my Chinese course, or listening through my class review tapes. I ended up with a bunch of smurf blue after Estrella - a side point of mainly buying the bargain bags of thread. Luckily I have a number of attractive colors to mix it with. I have a lovely purple, pale blue and smurf blue trim going now that will be quite nice. Despite being mainly smurf blue...

And I was amused to note that while I don't think I can part with any of my musical instruments (in theory once the degree is done, I'll actually practice again!), all of my clothing will fit in the three pieces of luggage I own. Not garb, mind you. Clothing and shoes for the real world. Including my 5 formal gowns, 8 suits, and collection of rude fightig t-shirts. I think I just lost my girl card..

Stairs and other good things

2007-03-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

One of the girls at work dragged me along on her usual Wednesday workout. So we ran to the convention center, did stairs, and she ran back. I attempted to convince my legs to cooperate in the walk back. We settled on a quick walk, and I made it back. But dear god, what a workout! Feels really good, but tomorrow is going to be a painful morning. I can tell already...

Did a pile of homework, cleaned the bathroom and watched the last 45 minutes of Under the Tuscan Sun. Good movie. I'm not usually a chick movie kinda girl, but it was sweet. Made me want to go buy a villa in Tuscany. Pity it's not that easy, eh?

Snort...

2007-03-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

Still laughing my way through this one... Am I the last one out there to see this?

(click on the Snort header)

Sweet! Back to fighting...

2007-03-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Doc says probably not surgury on the elbow until we see whether addig everything back in makes it worse again. My nerves are still in a screwy place in my elbow, so I still have to be careful and not stress it. But he cleared me for yoga and weight training and hitting the pell again. He's not thrilled about full ocntact, but as long as my armor fits right, he's ok with it. I need new elbow pads, but otherwise, I'm supposed to start ramping back up. Another checkup in May unless something goes awry... In theory, I could be fighting again by Mists Cynagua.. Hmm....Not that I really have any time to train whatsoever. eh..

Oh, only scary thing he said was that if I do need surgury, it's not guaranteed to work 100%. Apparently this is a very common problem of the elbow (like 70% of doctors at a conference had the problem when asked), but anytime you mess with nerves, they may not like where they end up. So let's hope no cutting.

Hmm..

2007-03-12T11:14:00.001-07:00

The norse word for "I dont have any friends" is tjaldlaus - technically "without tent" or "without sails"

The norse word for poor is "tolaus" without tools - meaning that you don't bring anything useful to the warband

The anglo saxon word for warband is geoborscipe , meaning "those who drink beer together"

The slavic words for "friend" are druzhe or drugaya, meaning "those who've been through a lot of crap together", in Norse its Drengr

the norse word for agreement or contract is felag, meaning "agreement for the distribution of cows"

the anglosaxon word geoborles means that "we are completely and utterly screwed" and translates literally as "we are out of beer"....

Go see 300!

2007-03-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

My personal review of 300:

300 was AWESOME! The lights came back up and the end and I felt like a 5 year old at Disney - Do it again! I want to see it on IMAX. I want to see it every day. I want posters of the MEN in this movie wallpapering my universe. Good god it was good! I felt like writing the director love poetry when it was done. I hated the fact that my doc hasn't released me to fight yet when it was over. It was so tasty, delicious, happy, satisfying, and the use of slow motion wasn't the train wreck I was afraid it might be. I was grateful for the slow motion - it gave me more time with their amazingly sculpted bodies. This movie should be in a museum for the sheer David-esque quality of the men. The personal trainers should get Oscars... Oy! I need a cold shower now just thinking about it. Ok, I'll stop. But run, do not walk, do not pass go, do not collect $200 before you see this movie! And most of the guys I know liked it too. Except those who aren't comfy with lots of almost naked men. Personally, the dudity was just fine for me.

Yes, I know. I sound like a teenage girl on crack. But I liked Leonidis's wife too. Really - she kicked ass, literally! There was much applause at a certain part. If you saw it, you know the one I mean. And I'm writing that quote on my new shield once I make it :-)

Umm, duh?

2007-03-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Sex makes you want more sex

Best line ever in a scientific study: He added, "These studies show that our social relationships and gonads have their own relationships."

Snort. No kidding.

This cheered me up...

2007-03-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

the bald head

It's just a damn good set of points.

Just need to get through the weekend....

2007-03-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's been over a week now, and it would be nice to get more than 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Those of you who really know me just ran screaming from beig anywhere in my presence. I'm not pleasant when exhausted. Add in the two exams I have to take in the next two days, and I'm just not a very nice person right now.

I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that my neighbors are just noisy, and I'm not going to be able to study at home most of the time. Which sucks, as it's not the way it was when I moved in. But they live there too. And yes, I've asked them to adjust, maybe not hang out outside my bedroom window, etc, but considering they're all smokers and the arrangement of the social spaces, it's not gonna happen. So I'll just plan on heading to school when I have time on my hands and work on my homework there instead.

I just want to get both of these exams done, get ahead in my homework, and get started on the papers I need to do for the semester. It would be really nice to get good grades this semester, but considering how unprepared I am at the moment, I'mnot sure how I'm going to do.

And I could care less about the SCA, fighting, politics, or anything else not related to school or China at the moment. Considering that my arm still aches by the end of every day, and I haven't been cleared to fight for another month or so, there's no point. I don't think I'll need surgery, but I'm not taking changes with the health of my dominant arm. I'd rather focus on real life, thanks. So it would be really lovely for folks to stop asking about my plans for war. I'm not going to be there. I'll be in China. It's lovely that you're all gung ho, but I'm not. I have no reason to be. And yes, I'm cranky as hell at the moment. I'll be better with sleep...

Hooray for Thursday!

2007-03-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's hell, today is just such a welcome change! Yesterday was just one of the worst days in a long while. Mercury finally went direct, but not before creating havoc on my ass. Blah. I got home after class and was so wound I didn't get much sleep. Eventually I did, but not before the cats kept waking me up just as I was dropping off. I'm watching a friend's cat, and apparently while everyone seems to be adjusting, once the lights are off, it's on! I kept getting awakened by hissing and snarling at each other, when it's been pretty calm during the daytime. Ugh. I think I got about 5 hours, but it's definitely not enough.

Add in my 2 exams that I've prepared for slightly on Saturday, and ugh. I'm just tired and I don't want to do anything. But I went to school today and got the green light on my externship and a bunch of tools for setting it up. Set up an appointment with my possible directed study professor, and talked to alumni relations about contacts for internships. Everyone was really encouraging and helpful. It's very cool. Now I just have to find funding or some way to support myself while interning. Hooray!

Busy Social calendar

2007-03-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

So yeah, West Crown bit the dust when faced with the expense of driving by myself for 12 hours + the amount of homework I need to get done + the ridiculous amount of social crap I need to be at this Spring/Summer. There's an excellent chance I'll be up for Mists/Cyn war instead, it just depends on whether I go to Ciad Crown in Vegas or the war. We'll see.

And yeah, sat down and threw all the social stuff I'm planning on a list so I knew where I'd be for the next 4 months or so. WOW! What a total crapload of busy. I've got a lot to do in a short period of time. No wonder I'm exhausted lately! Time to stay home and recharge the batteries these next two weekends and get homework done ahead of time so I can so it.

Nothing set on school stuff yet. More to follow once I have actual decisions and confirmations from school that things can be worked out. So far, my entire fall is up in the air. Oy!

China is pretty much set. Tuition is paid, paying for housing next week. Bought a massive suitcase, and I'll begin packing next month.

Fantastic weekend!

2007-03-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

Had a great time in LA, despite no sleep. Baby cute, family amusing. Had German brunch with household peeps up there. Nothing like good beer and sausage for breakfast! Plans made to scoot back up there instead of West Crown. Family issues, and a need to do a last commission or two before I leave town. So no insane car trip by myself across the whole state of CA. And I'm not crying about that. Once my passenger dropped out I wasn't looking forward to a 12 hour drive by myself to hang out for a day then head home. Too much for one person...

Realized while purusing my friends' various pages that I'm just not a poetry person. Sure, I adore Rumi and Shakespear and certain other wordsmiths. But when it comes to reading poetry, it's almost a ritual for me. I know whose words I like to hear, and it takes a minor mindshift for me to sit still and pay attention. So I just don't read most of the poetry, good bad or ugly, posted on the random blog sites. I just don't. I found that amusing. I'm a poetry snob! Or I just don't want to spend time right now... I dunno, just don't take this as an invitation to send me every long, meandering poem out there. If it's really bad, send it over. I somehow have a soft spot in my heart for truly abysmal poetry. One of those train wreck things I guess :-)

And we're off...

2007-03-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

Despite still feeling like crap, I found out some more interesting tidbits o' info from school yesterday. So now the work remains to get China all set up, and begin the process of setting up my summer plans. A good number of possibilities have popped up, so it's time to start arranging the details. Lots to do..

And time to go see the family this weekend. Debating back and forth due to my cold. I may just call and ask my sister what she thinks. I hate to give the baby my cold, but maybe if I can admire from afar, things would work out. I'd love to see everyone, it's always a blast..

One more bit about closure...

2007-02-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Huh, funny part I realized last night, as we yet again discussed the closure thing. I was making suggestions on things I do for closure when the other person just can't communicate, and I realized that I learned how to do that for myself lately. Sure there are things that I still wonder "and what the hell was that all about?", but for the most part I just accept that things just aren't going to work, and I'm much happier moving onto something new than attempting to beat a dead horse into resusitation when a relationship peters out before it even began. Maybe try a smidge of forgiveness, be civil when out in social situations. But for the most part, once I don't care anymore, I just don't care anymore. Saves a huge amount of emotional pain and suffering, and I can sleep nicely at night again.

Now that's not to say I don't care about folks. I've been blessed with a ton of wonderful men in my life, and I wish them well in their individual endeavors. Some of them kept in touch, some didn't, some are very sweet and kind, some I'd prefer jumped off a bridge for their own good and the sake of others. But generally there's just not any attachment left there either, beyond a platonic friendship at most. Kinda cool, actually, and allows me to enjoy talking to them when I do run into them.

But all this is rather handy in my universe. I get to sail along, do my work and studying, enjoy the company of my friends, all without obsessing over some guy or waiting by the phone or being the lonely cat law student at home. I'm just too busy with things to do to want to tie up my emotions in what could have been, should have been, etc. If things will happen, they just will. My universe is turning slowly to one in which things just drop into my life for a reason, and all is good as long as I don't force things. No ulcers, no pain, no wondering what's wrong with me. I'm just fine thanks, at least in my world. Not perfect, just fine.

Exit, stage left.

And still counting

2007-02-27T16:52:00.000-08:00

79 days until China (I can learn Chinese in 3 months, right?)

295 until I graduate...

Closure

2007-02-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

Funny thing about closure with people. It usually has the most to do with what we'll never get from them. Had a looooong conversation with a friend going through a messy quasi-breakup last night, and I so feel for her. While it's the healthy thing to do to walk away from a relationship that's brought her nothing but heartache and abuse, at the same time her heart wants to know that she's ok and did the right thing to give love. Oh the giving, it's all our little hearts want to do, eh? A bit of validation that it's ok to be vulnerable and try again.

Problem is that to go ask for what she needs to get closure, and she'll likely just get more of the same pain. Rarely are people adult enough to just say, "ok, it didn't work. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said, and I value what you were willing to give to me. But it just isn't working and we should both move on to search for someone who can give the way you and I both need in our own ways." Yeah, that'll happen in the real world. And even if it does, no one ever believes us. Hurt has a funny way of coloring the world in a less agreeable light..

So here we are, discussing her hurt and trying to find a way to bring peace to her heart. If I could grant it with a few words, I would. But it's really more about time, acceptance, and having the courage to try again. And that's really all it is....

Oh yeah, I forgot that...

2007-02-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

The Oscars were last night. I used to watch those. Instead, I went to bed by 9.

I think I made the better choice.

And I'm spent...

2007-02-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

Had a good, packed weekend. Now I'm just plain tired.

Went to the FDCPA workshop - it was fabulous. And there was barely anyone there, which was sad. Oh well, I guess they don't need training in a practice area that actually helps consumers deal with nasty collection agencies. Not sure I'd want to make it my whole practice, but it's a nice addition to any skill set.
I was also able to go pick up a recording of the MPRE class that I missed due to the FDCPA workshop - audio in the car is just fine for me. And I even interviewed with the two agencies I wanted to that were at the job fair at the same time as the workshop. Go me, multitasking like a fiend on Saturday!

Went to the Burner fairy party thing with A on Saturday night. It was fun, and rather girly to dress up, stick flowers in our hair and go dance. I didn't get nearly enough party on at Estrella, so this fit the bill nicely. I laughed at the number of oflks wanting to talk to A in her belly dacne outfit. She looked fabulous, and I was considering investing in baseball bats so we could just dance already. But we had fun. I got a drive by shimmy by the cutest little angel boy gay man in the place, and we have a nice little dance circle going on with the El wire cowboy, timid transvestite, two angel boys wearing almost nothing, and me and A. And I found a bartender who knew what I meant about a good Cosmo. Then had a long drunken conversation with a guy outside about dealing with women in general. Nothing like alcoholic philosophy. All in all a very fun night, even if I didn't last until breakfast at dawn. 2am was enough for me, and we staggered home.

Although I was amused to note the disdain for drinking among the crowd. It was subtle, but I can't see this crowd being kind to an over sauced imbiber. Funny how the legal drug gets shit when overdone, eh?

Wheee! Now I'm excited!

2007-02-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, so much going on. I feel kind of like a hanglider perched on the edge of the cliff, all ready to go. Just need to jump off!

Slowly the various pieces are clicking into place and I just need to keep things moving. Rather than feeling exhausted at the end of a work week, I'm rather looking forward to getting up early tomorrow and heading to the workshop. I also found out that one of the employers I applied for an internship with will be at the job fair tomorrow. I need to go talk to them - I want that one! It would be fabulous!

Folks are starting to dig up their legal contacts in various areas for me to talk to. Time to print up resumes and writing samples. Pull out something dressy for tomorrow to schmooze in. I even ran out on lunch and got better shoes. Yay for shoes!

I finally feel like things are beginning to work out. Not sure how, and it just may be a side effect of not eating and taking lots of pain killers :-) But, I'm pretty happy with stuff in general. Kind of excited, even. It's pretty cool!

Let's just start with Owie....

2007-02-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've been back to work now for 3 days, working on 4. I have to say I hate computers, mice, keyboards, and anything that requires two hands to manuver. Doc said to use the crap out of my hand so I'd get feeling back in my fingers, and dammit I am. I've made up a few new swear words on the way too...

So since I can't concentrate on my accounting to finish at the moment, let's describe what's going on in my hand:

Imagine itsy bitsy hot pokers along each finger bone, that join together along the underside of your arm. Add in the creepy crawly nerves, and the perpetual feeling that something is in the palm of your hand. Toss in some rotator cuff soreness, an inability to rest your elbow on anything for longer than a few seconds and random cramping among the muscles in your hands.. Hoo-fucking-ray... I'm not bitchy, just grumpy when the painkiller wears off. Sneaks up on me as the dose drops.

Yeah, and I feel like sewing now. A lot. And Inkle weaving. I saw a lot of cool stuff at war and I want to create cool stuff out of the new materials I got. But DENIED... I can't work a pair of scissors at the moment, so it looks like I'll be a law student all weekend. I can manuver a book, and my writing is geting more readable every day.

grr...

*le sigh* plus ca chose, plus ca meme chose..

I can have it all....

2007-02-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

So, I have a busy weekend ahead of me, not to mention a few weeks of busy coming up. My MPRE review was scheduled for Saturday 9-1, along with a public agency job fair (same time) and a Fair Collections Act workshop both Saturday and Sunday. Just in case I needed more interesting crap to try to go to.... Argh, why is it that they schedule everything interesting for the same day and time?

But I found out that I can get a video of the MPRE course, attend the collections seminar, and go bug employers on my break from the seminar as they're in the same building. Go Me! So I basically will be working all day both days, soaking up lots of info, then going home to the scintellating MPRE review course at night. Luckily, none of this seems to require the use of my right arm, other than shaking hands. Thank goodness I don't have a cast to worry about!

I think I'm in love....

2007-02-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

And it's a toss up for my affections:

Large Vicoden or www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com

Went to Doctor. Thinks I'm nuts for SCA fighting. But no broken bones, just a pile of soft tissue damage and nerve damage. And dammit, he wants me to use it as much as possible. Owie... But I have some very nice painkillers that finally allow me to get some sleep, and some exercises to encourage the little nerves to come back out of hiding. By the way, it sucks using a mouse. I can only move the bugger around for a little while, then I have to go roam around and swear for a while.

So I feel rather happy and spacy today, on my happy horse pills. Can't drink unless I forgo the painkillers, but that's just fine. No plans for partying for a while anyways. Might cut into my plan to join the local hash runners soon, but I can put that off a smidge longer. And soon I'll be able to just take the vicoden at night only.

And hey, I'm not stressing about jobs, school, the Bar, or anything. Pretty nifty, even though my arm feels like it's being gnawed by a pack of beavers. I think I'll just pay attention to the beavers for a bit...

Gee, think this might explain a few things?

2007-02-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

And not just in the SCA. Herein lies my frustration with our currently developing culture, from someone who hates seeing real achievement cheapened:

Fame Junkies

Weekend was great - except....

2007-02-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

War was fun. Until Saturday. Hurt arm in battle, still hurts.

Would have gone to Urgent Care last night, but got home to flooded apartment. Yay.

Lost car keys. Thank goodness I'm redundant.

APartment almost dried out, going to doctor today.

Pressure.

2007-02-12T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I got most of what I wanted to get done this weekend done. I even got started on packing. But I've still got finish work on the Greek tunic from Hell. It's starting to look really fantastic. But dear god, the amount of hand work on this thing is killing me. I spent about 20 hours on it this weekend, taking breaks to get the last two tunics done while the paint detail dried. Spent another 1/2 hour on it this morning before my shower so the border could dry while I was at work. One more lion, 4 more little men, and the applique part is done. Then I just need to sew the tunic together (by hand, of course), and finish the edging and paint detail on the applique people, and voila! Oh, and finish packing. That would be nice, eh?

Oh, and I got my reading done for today. It's bad when homework is a relaxing relief from sewing...

One last weekend push and I'll be done...

2007-02-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

Almost done with the sewing extravaganza from hell. Three more garments, and I'll be happy with what I've got. I started laughing at people this week when they ask if I have time for one more whatever. I'm sorry, but I just don't. After Estrella. I'm determined not to arrive exhausted with bleeding fingers for once. Cranky might be a harder attempt, but then again we're driving all night.

Then I can finally concentrate on homework. I've got plenty, anthough taking the Advanced research course was sheer brilliance. No exam, it's pass fail. So it's two credits of mostly in-class exercises and a modicum of reading (I'm the only one that does it) for homework. Then a midterm, oral presentation, paper, and two final exams. Hmm, time to start the midterm flashcards.

Oooo, email goodies

2007-02-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

From my SD Burning Man list: Chocolate.

Chocolate is very interesting. And also very powerful. It's chemistry is very complex and it addresses itself to the same neuroreceivers that cannabanoids bond to. It would take probably 25 lbs. to produce effects similiar to smoking cannabis, but it does release anandamide, the so-called "Bliss Molecule," (from Sanskrit "ananda" for "bliss") which has the effect of making the other effects more intense and long-lasting. Chocolate is also a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI), meaning it blocks the activity of the MAO enzymes in your gut. Those are the enzymes that break down natural DMT from the environment and keep it from being orally active. At the same time, the gatekeeping functions of the blood-brain barrier, which keep most everything from passing out of the bloodstream into the brain, are constantly monitoring your blood stream for DMT to bring into the brain. Chocolate is not as powerful of an MAOI as caapi, the vine used to make DMT orally active in ayahuasca, but it does help catalyze orally swallowed tryptamines like mushrooms. And, from another branch of the chocolate conversation, cocoa is a spirit all its own and revered by traditions conversant with plants. In this case, I mean "converse" literally. Approaching any of these traditional medicines "as if" they were giving spirits changes the experience of them and makes you wonder if you need to take the quotation marks away.

http://www.erowid.org/plants/cacao/cacao_article1.shtml
http://www.kakawachocolates.com/index.php

And from my Shambala Buddha list:

Love.
What is love?
What is love.
Love is a fading memory.
Love is piercingly present.
Love is full of charm.
Love is hideously in the way.
Explosion of love makes you feel ecstatic.
Explosion of love makes you feel suicidal.
Love brings goodliness and godliness.
Love brings celestial vision.
Love creates the unity of heaven and earth.
Love tears apart heaven and earth.
Is love sympathy.
Is love gentleness.
Is love possessiveness.
Is love sexuality.
Is love friendship.
Who knows?
Maybe the rock knows,
Sitting diligently on earth,
Not flinching from cold snowstorms or baking heat.
O rock,
How much I love you:
You are the only loveable one.
Would you let me grow a little flower of love on you?
If you don't mind,
Maybe I could grow a pine tree on you.
If you are so generous,
Maybe I could build a house on you.
If you are fantastically generous,
Maybe I could eat you up,
Or move you to my landscape garden.
It is nice to be friends with a rock!

From Timely Rain: Selected Poetry of Chögyam Trungpa. Written July 1975. First published in FIRST THOUGHT BEST THOUGHT.

The simple reason why I learned some form of control over my emotions...

2007-02-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

It's just not possible to function otherwise. I've found that I can't achieve anything while bound up in worry, fear, anxiety, and even good emotions like being goofy and silly can eat my resolve and ability to complete things. Not that every moment has to be filled with achievement, but at the moment my schedule is so packed that I can't see any other way than effectively managing myself to greater ends.

Now this doesn't mean I don't have time to feel. Au contraire, mes amis! I find that clarity makes the good parts sweeter and more appreciated. But it also allows me to figure out what's going on, do something to soothe that raging emotion, and find a way to keep going. Letting anxiety and fear run away with my heart results in situations like the last few days - I worry myself to death, don't get any sleep, stop being productive at work and school and generally just don't care about anything else. Talk about a fast way to derail one's universe, eh?

And we all know those people. The ones who can't keep their shit together. Who create havoc in their interactions with other people and make no attempt to understand why their actions don't have the effect they're looking for. Then they get frustrated, mope around, take it out some more on others, and yet again wonder why nobody loves them the way they feel they need. And it spreads to many aspects of their lives. And the more they try to control it their way, not asking for help, not taking the time to really own what they did and what it means to someone other than themselves, the more it turns into a huge mess.

My advice? Let it go, grasshopper. Give up the pride, the sense of entitlement, the desire to protect oneself to an extreme, to try to claim what's rightfully yours. Nothing comes to the grasping hand. No one likes to be forced into anything, including you. Forcing emotions just makes them fight back harder. Emotions ebb and flow, and without knowing the surf, you can't ride the waves. You'll end up drenched, waterlogged, frustrated and cold. When you've hit the bottom again and again, give the things up that don't serve you. Find someone you trust and very gently reach out from that place and ask for help. You may get rejected - that's a part of owning your past actions. But rejection just means you need to reach out more gently. Sincerity is a place of humbleness. Be humble, accept, and ask to learn.

This post sponsored by 3 years of therapy, 2 years of learning to meditate, and 14 years of just not getting it. Be humble, accept and ask to learn :-)

Oy - freaky nightmare!

2007-02-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning to a freaky nightmare about a guy who kidnapped me and was in the process of forcing me to clean his bathroom when I escaped. The main comforting part was that I flat out wasn't giving in in the slightest in the dream. At one point, he was whipping me with a yard stick, and I took it away from him and broke it. Then threw it at him. Amusing, especially when I ran out of there with no shoes and I was wondering how the hell I was going to call anyone when I didn't have anyone's phone number. Thank you cell phone age!

But freaky to wake up to nightmares. I haven't done that in quite a while. Must be the job thing.

Finally! Some clarity on the work thing...

2007-02-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Current plan is to keep me through when I leave for China in May. Kinda sucky that I won't have a job or benefits anymore, but I can go back to being a slacker student on unemployment for a while. Might have to stop fighting for the fall without any health insurance, but we'll see if a job pans out once I'm back.

Time to go apply for summer internships - hey, I just might have a legal resume when I emerge from school, what a concept!

Ha! Victory is MINE!

2007-02-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

Crisis averted. After talking to half of the administration yesterday, then emailing them this morning, I got the ability to take my writing course in the fall. Thank freaking GOD! I was rather annoyed about the whole thing, since they randomly changed the requirement. I even went home and read my Student Handbook to see if I was crazy. Nope, no such requirement.

So I did what any self-respecting Office Manager would do in a messy situation - I CC'd everyone who might have a clue and asked again. And lo and behold, I got the Registrar to email me back and say I can take it in my Fall semester.

I really hate this kind of bureaucratic stress, but at least they fixed it with some speed. I think I would have had an ulcer by Friday if not. Arrgh...

But yeah, crisis averted, life still on same schedule. Now, to go plan the job hunt from hell.....

Arrgh....

2007-02-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

So, the lovely people in the Registrar's office decided to change one of the requirements for my degree after everyone had already registered for classes for the spring. Sure, I still have to take my upper level writing course, but I'm not allowed to take it in my last semester, which is the Fall semester. Which is the only semester I can take it. OY!

Positives? I'd get another 5-6 months of saving up cash to move and pay for bar crap. I'd get to move in the summer instead of the dead of winter during the holidays. My SD friends would rejoice in having me around a bit longer. There's a vague chance I could take something interesting course-wise.

Negatives? I have no idea if I can get financial aid for basically one course. Nor do I really have any desire to rack up any more debt. Nor do I really want to be in school any longer.

Arrgh.. Time to go talk to them about their collective stupidity and lack of notice on changing everything. I'd really prefer not to have this extension to the damn degree.

Blah. Alright, I'll step back from DefCon 3...

2007-02-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

So, yeah. I obsess at times. When faced with an issue in my life, self-created or dropped on me from above, I devote my mental energies to solving it. Along with my pocketbook. In this case, it's all about job hunting. I've been in school for 3 years now, slaving away at my degree, attempting to get decent grades, and paying all of my bills with a modicum of efficiency. I've split my obsessing for the past few years between these grades and keeping my overall cost of living upon graduation as low as possible. Faced with the pressure of an added $500 per month payment on your brains, you might consider the same plan of action. Add in that I was raised by an accountant/labor negotiator who was always at war and a bookeeper with OCD, and I'm surprised I'm not autistic....

But job hunting gives me hives. It feels like going to a high school dance and being that geeky girl who never gets asked to dance. Every recruiter who looks at my resume makes "wow" noises. I've done a LOT of different jobs in a lot of different industries. If there was an award for covering most of the working situations possible in one's career, I'd have an Early Achievers award. So now that I'll be certifiably more educated than most of America, I would like a job to match. I am sick of being someone else's minion - I'd like my own minions, please! But if I have trouble finding the "during school" jobs, how the heck am I going to find a real one? Not to mention that I'm considering 2-3 major metro areas in my search, based on the simple fact that I can never decide where the heck I want to move next. I just find one thing to focus on, and away I go...

But I realized today, after finding a resume and cover letter service to throw money at in a few months, that I need to wait before I can start. Maybe go to China first. Then I can start the job fun. Then I can figure out which Bar I'm going to take. Then I can find a friend willing to let me crash on their couch for a bit until I can find my own place. And figure out which city is next on my list.

And it doesn't have to be tomorrow - life will go on! The sun will rise, my sewing projects will pile up, I will eventually get a real night's sleep, and my nephew will keep growing like a weed.

I just hate doing things half assed, so I prepare. I do research. I weigh my options. An excellent example is the fighting thing - I'd like to be better. But right now is not the time to devote time and energy to fighting. I just don't have either. And boy, can you tell by watching me fight. Spear isn't as painful, but sword and board is ugly. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've learned a few things, but when you're the type to throw yourself into something, body, heart and soul, half-assed is just frustrating. I hate not doing it well, and more than once I've considered walking away. But it still gives me one of the best stress relief systems in the world, and there's nothing like being on the field in the middle of a great big war battle. But now is not the time.

And now I've got plenty on my plate. I'll toss that stuff on the back burner. Get back to covering my China stuff and homework. And breathe. And again breathe.

Breathing.....

2007-02-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know I'm stressing about math lately, but it's for a good cause...

I ran the average numbers again today, assuming that nothing changes in my salary, savings rate, or general financial situation for the next 12 months. And the comforting aspect is that as long as I'm able to support myself while studying for the Bar, I can get everything paid for that HAS to get paid. I only have about $1500 that I need to come up with outside my actual job and salary as long as I'm very conservative with my spending. That's entirely doable, as I can probably come up with a good chunk of that in this first few months of the year from sewing and selling yet more crap on eBay and Amazon. Which is good, because that's mainly my slush fund to pay expenses while I'm not earning a dime in China. Oy!

The painful part is that relocating is going to be interesting. Depending on jobs, I may just up and move at the end of the year, and moving expenses, the cost of paying basic bills and getting into a new place to live just isn't in the budget at this point. In theory I can get an extra job for the summer months when I get back from China. But that also precludes me taking a summer class (no money, and it's a trade off for tiem working). Not taking yet another summer class above and beyond my China trip makes the Fall semester tight, as the limit for part time is 11 credits. What do I need to graduate? Yup, 11 credits... I'm squeaking under the wire on a lot of fronts here, and I'm just not keen on taking yet another $9,000 in loans to make life easier. Not to mention the general cost to my sanity to extend this thing yet another semester...

I dunno, I could be putting too much pressure on myself, but I'm pretty keen on having a life again. if you're considering going to grad school, remember that while the benefits to your employment prospects can be huge, but the cost to your general life can be just as big. I put whole sections of my universe on hold, and I'm really chafing at not havign the ability to just go home and relax. Add in the financial constraints and stress over getting a job next year, and there's no wonder why I long for a massage like my life depended on it....

I can Count!

2007-02-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

321 days until I graduate...

105 until I go to China.

Not that I'm counting or anything....

Crap! Only 105 days until China!

Cool Stuff I want to do in the next few years....

2007-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

1. Pass the Bar. Any Bar. Dammit, I have a law degree, I wanna be an attorney!

2. See the Sequoias. Big trees. Me like big trees...

3. Run with the Bulls in Pamploma, Spain. Heck, if you're going to train to run, why not train to run away from something cool?

4. Visit Mongolia and do the Eagle Hunters Winter Tour
Eagle Hunters Rock!
Any trip you need a physical to go on is my kinda fun!

5. Fight in Crown legitimately. Sure, I'll get my ass beat, but the concept is to train up enough that I'm happy with my performance. Dammit, why did Charles have to move away. He'd be priceless as my consort!

6. Buy some form of real property. Preferrably a house, but if I end up in SoCal due to some of the job nibbles lately, it may just be vacant land. Or a postage stamp. Maybe a parking spot? Sheesh....

7. Hawaii. I have yet to get to Hawaii.

Why I hate January...

2007-01-31T14:41:00.000-08:00

1. No real holidays. After the insanity of December, they should let us down easier. New Years is technically part of December, since the part spent in January usually involves peeling your date off the floor, heading home, and recovering from your hangover.

2. Cold and dreary. Sun sets early. Depressing. Next...

3. The craptacular buildup to Valentines Day. They shouldn't be allowed to put that much pink crap in any one place. I think I'll go write a statute about the critical mass of pinkness and the adverse effects on single folk. It should be illegal unless it's a Barbie convention.

4. Anniversary of me asking for a divorce. Yes, I remember it. Yes, it's still a sad thing to consider. No, I don't regret it, but I can honor the good times of the longest relationship of my life.

5. My body's overwhelming desire to hibernate and eat the richest food it can find. Must be a remnant of my Buffalo days. And the usual flu I get every year. It's a relief to crawl into bed every night, even if I lay there cuddled up for hours while sleep eludes me.

6. Rain. I just hate cold rain. And California has a buttload of it. ANd it usually starts in January.

7. Year end everything. Accounting, HR, Taxes, yadda yadda. Why do we cram all of our deadlines into the month of holidays(December) and the month of recovery (January)? It's just a form of masochism. I admire the companies that buck the trend and close their books in June.

But on the Good Things side of it, my Godson was born in January. I think he saved the entire month...

And if nothing else, I can rescue myself with the wonders of the Internet. Here's a posting from another of my favorite blogs with a smackdown of hate between Juliette Lewis and the band Rush, made funnier to my head because I like both combatants and the author despises both. Somewhat...

JL v. Rush

It's official - I'm a massive geek...

2007-01-31T11:04:00.000-08:00

So, talking to D last night for the few minutes I stopped by and she says, "You need to find a guy outside the SCA and bring him in." Huh... So I got to thinking - How does that work? I work full time and go to school at night, right? Law students are about the worst possible matches for another fellow law student - we're all stressed out, argumentative, and busy as hell. So that's out. What else do I do? Well, I sew. No men there. Practice? Hahahahha - that SCA pond, not so much, eh? Not saying it's not possible, but I've had issues. Do I do anything else where I might meet people? Ok, so I'm going to China, but importing from that far away has issues....

Umm. Yeah. I'm a geek. If I'm not studying, sewing, or working, I'm online chatting with friends or asleep. I occasionally get out to concerts or dinner, and I do travel a decent amount. But for the most part I'm a huge SCA geeeeeeek! What the heck do I have to talk to anyone outside the SCA about? I'm good on current events and legal issues, thanks to all the magazines I read. But anything else? Nope. Not really. And I pretty much have something SCA planned every weekend, even if it's just practice or getting my haircut by an SCA friend, or going to a party hosted by SCA friends...

* Le grande, grosse sigh * I'm in a cult, apparently. And I didn't even notice how badly.. How about I wait until after I'm out of school... Good lord, when did this happen? Oh yeah, all my law school buddies are graduating this year... And T moved up north. And my sister is up north. And my household isn't helping either - they're starting up another D&D game. Just in case I wanted to expand my geekiness yet again..

*headdesk*

fantastic article on why my law school dollars are silly..

2007-01-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

Meet the Clients: Law schools rarely teach students how to be lawyers.

The recent arrest of Anderson Kill & Olick paralegal Brian Valery for practicing law without a license raises a number of questions about how the ersatz Fordham graduate could have gotten away with representing corporate clients in complex litigation--without ever having gone to law school. The more salient question, however, is: Would it have mattered if he had?

Legal education has been taking a beating recently. This month the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching issued a report criticizing the Socratic case method that dominates law-school teaching. According to the report, it does little to prepare lawyers to work with real clients or to resolve morally complex issues. Several months ago Harvard Law School announced a reform of its first-year curriculum to require classes in "problem solving," among other things. There appears to be an emerging consensus that although law schools may teach students how to "think like a lawyer," they don't really teach them how to be a lawyer.

It is hard not to agree. One of the biggest problems with the current state of legal education is its emphasis on books rather than people. By reading about the law rather than engaging in it, students end up with the misperception that lawyers spend most of their time debating the niceties of the Rule Against Perpetuities rather than sorting out the messy, somewhat anarchic version of the truth that judges and courts care about. When they graduate, young lawyers rarely know how to interview clients, advocate for their positions, negotiate a settlement or perform any number of other tasks that lawyers do every day. In short, they are woefully unprepared to be lawyers, despite the outrageous hourly fees charged for their services.

By giving students the false idea that being a lawyer is all about intellectual debate, we also drive the wrong students to law school in the first place. The hordes of English majors who fill our classes might think twice if they knew that economics and mathematics--with their emphasis on problem-solving--are the best preparation for a career in law. Flowery prose is seldom valued by an overburdened judiciary.

In addition to misleading students, the current system harms clients who often assume that their lawyers have more experience than they do. The system works for no one except, perhaps, lawyers at the biggest firms who can hire teams of associates to do the legal research that the case method is good at teaching. It should come as no surprise that most members of law-school faculties are big-firm refugees who graduated from elite schools and have little incentive to change the system.

In the good old days, of course, lawyers didn't think they could learn the law through a series of hypotheticals. Instead, like most of the Founding Fathers, they apprenticed themselves to practitioners and learned the skills they needed by doing. The case method was invented in the late 1800s by Christopher Columbus Langdell, the dean of Harvard Law School. (Harvard Law wasn't even founded until 1817.) Formal licensing requirements followed, and soon the state bars imposed exams upon the newly graduated that reinforced the notion that being a lawyer meant memorizing definitions and rules. Along the way, few bothered to ask if clients were actually well-served by a lawyer who knew the difference between assault and battery but couldn't negotiate a plea bargain for someone who had committed either.

These days, to call law school a "trade school" is considered an insult to the establishment. Professors are firmly entrenched in their intellectual camps and pursue their academic agendas. Faculty members with "real world" experience are rarely hired on that basis alone--although it is quite common to hire professors who have clerked for judges but never practiced at all. The Carnegie Foundation is to be admired for advocating more clinical education, in which students will have an opportunity to learn some hands-on skills.

But at the moment law-school clinics are short-term experiences. Students engage in limited representations in a specific field of practice, usually with a liberal tilt. (When was the last time, for example, that a law school opened a clinic to help small-business owners deal with claims brought against them under the Americans with Disabilities Act?) A few more clinics will not change the fundamental prejudice against experiential training when the entire system is rigged against it.

If law schools really want to change the way they train young lawyers, they would look to medical schools. The latter require clinical "rotations" in the last two years of a student's education and then demand at least one more year of training after graduation. By the time your doctor is licensed, he has examined hundreds of patients.

While many new lawyers will start out at big firms where they will rarely get to meet a client, most still go to smaller firms where they will meet clients immediately. The state bars profess interest in protecting the public, but none seem to care whether new lawyers can actually do the tasks with which they will soon be confronted.

Of course, law schools do not have the luxury of large teaching hospitals, with a mostly compliant indigent population on which their greenhorns can practice. And lawyers can't perform needle sticks on a corpse, as doctors can (no jokes, please). They are also restricted by the accrediting rules of the American Bar Association, which limit how many clinical hours a student may take.

But law schools can still act. They could team with local practitioners and institutions and demand that their students gain sustained clinical experience--broadly defined to include anyone needing legal help, not just the usual (nonprofit) suspects. The state bars could refuse to license lawyers until they performed at least one year of postgraduate work, as some other countries require.

Law is not brain surgery. It is a skill that can be acquired through practice and repetition. This is perhaps the most interesting lesson from Brian Valery, the over-ambitious paralegal: He fooled those around him who ought to have known best. In the late 1990s, I litigated against another paralegal who later pleaded no contest to five criminal misdemeanor charges of unlicensed law practice. What struck me about him at the time was how good he was at his job. He blustered, bluffed, threatened and cajoled with the best of them. He knew the law and argued it capably. But then again, he learned his trade the old-fashioned way: He practiced it.

And where it lives

Legally Blonde gets credit for calling my attention to it.